Girlfriend family history

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it would be helpful for the woman to know her risk of breast cancer (i.e., whether she carries either of the BRCA genes). However, I am certain she has already been advised of this, since her mom died from BC, so you should be assured that she knows important health history.

When I was diagnosed with BC, I met with a geneticist who ran tests on me. I was negative for either of the BRCA genes, but if I'd come back positive, there was a plan in place - guided by the geneticist - to inform my adult daughters and son.

+1 it would be helpful for the girlfriend to know her risk. I don't think you should say anything to the her but you can educate your son about BC and BRCA genes so he knows about the science.

Than you. I would never talk to her about this . I will wait for another year to talk to my child.
Op

And you’re going to say what to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you concerned for her, or for your son to marry someone who may get cancer

Both she is very smart beautiful girl and I don’t want my son to suffer in future which can be prevented with little intervention. I understand there are no guarantees about anyone’s future health. Not sure if my post was not clear just want my child not to suffer.
OP

If your son is destined to suffer, he'll get his destined suffering in some form or shape. You can't save him. Don't tey to play God.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, this is not your issue even if she becomes your dil. My mom died of bc in her 40’s. The BRCA genes were discovered 10 or so years later. I asked my ob-gyn if I should get tested - I was in my late 20’s, IIRC. She said to wait until I was done having kids (I wasn’t even married then), wait until I was close to my mom’s age of diagnosis and do it when I would be ready to take action (ie have prophylactic surgery). I’ve mentioned this many times to other doctors and they all said this was good advice. I got tested at 40, was positive and had surgery to remove my ovaries and also had a prophylactic double mastectomy. One of my siblings got tested and the other didn’t - his choice. Not everyone wants to know.

Also, just bc two sisters had it doesn’t mean it is genetic. A cousin by marriage to me had it as did 2 sisters - no BRCA or other gene.

Finally, I have two kids in their early 20’s. They know about their risk. Their doctor says it is way too early to test.

I’m not sure what you are worried about - that your future grandchildren may be at increased risk for BRCA cancers or if you sincerely care about this woman. More likely than not, she has discussed her risks with her doctor and will start mammograms early and has a plan. You do not need to know that plan unless she decides to share. The fact that you are discussing this behind her back is appalling.

Thank you for the most helpful response. Glad all worked out for you and your family.
OP

I wrote this. A pp made a very good point. She may already know that she is negative as it is protocol now to test all cancer patients. I have two dear friends going through treatment. Both tested negative for BRCA and other genes. One less thing for them and their kids to worry about. That could be why the family isn’t interested in testing. If the mom was negative - it’s not an issue for the daughter.

Also, you can’t control life. I had the gene but my dh ended up getting cancer (he’s fine). It seems that you do not like his gf for some other reason as you do not express any concern for her and what she would potentially go through - only for your ds. Imo, it’s s bizarre thing to bring up and also odd to want bed to do intervention in her 20’s when that is not typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it would be helpful for the woman to know her risk of breast cancer (i.e., whether she carries either of the BRCA genes). However, I am certain she has already been advised of this, since her mom died from BC, so you should be assured that she knows important health history.

When I was diagnosed with BC, I met with a geneticist who ran tests on me. I was negative for either of the BRCA genes, but if I'd come back positive, there was a plan in place - guided by the geneticist - to inform my adult daughters and son.

+1 it would be helpful for the girlfriend to know her risk. I don't think you should say anything to the her but you can educate your son about BC and BRCA genes so he knows about the science.

Than you. I would never talk to her about this . I will wait for another year to talk to my child.
Op

And you’re going to say what to him?

"Son, it's time to confirm that I have not the remotest ability to stay in my own lane. I can't imagine that this will in any way damage my relationship with you."

[Anonymous]

Yes, this girl really needs you to put breast cancer on her radar. She probably never has given it any thought, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omfg

You want a college age girlfriend to get tested for breast cancer genes….why? So that your son can choose not to marry her??

Holy Jesus you are the future mother in law from hell.

This is not your business. Stay out of it

+100

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand where you’re coming from. I would wait a little longer until she’s actually your DIL. At that time, can also bring up potential IVF as an option if she does carry the BRCA gene too so it is not passed on to their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you concerned for her, or for your son to marry someone who may get cancer

Both she is very smart beautiful girl and I don’t want my son to suffer in future which can be prevented with little intervention. I understand there are no guarantees about anyone’s future health. Not sure if my post was not clear just want my child not to suffer.
OP

I was this girl. My mom died of breast cancer my freshman year of college. When I met my now husband’s mother, she asked about my mom just in casual conversation about my family’s. I think this is they way you broach this subject as you get to know this young woman and her family. Let her tell you what she wants to tell you and you can ask her if she’s concerned about her own risk. Very unlikely she’d develop cancer B4 30 so you don’t need to feel rushed about expressing your worry. Also- I love my MIL and SIL. They treat me like their own family member. Do that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son is junior in college and has a girlfriend since grade 12. He is getting serious about her. They were together in HS and go to different colleges and meetup during breaks and summer. Long distance relationship seems to be working for them. Please don’t bash me. Girlfriends mom passed away from breast cancer when she was in grade 11 and mom was 48 yrs old when passed away, so does one of her mom’s aunt (45-48yrs) passed away from same few years ago.
I am not sure what to say one part of me says I should tell him that her GF should get genetic testing and other thought says leave it alone. How would you handle it?

Cancer is primarily lifestyle choices.

NOT all cancer, obviously.

What an ignorant, judgmental thing to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it would be helpful for the woman to know her risk of breast cancer (i.e., whether she carries either of the BRCA genes). However, I am certain she has already been advised of this, since her mom died from BC, so you should be assured that she knows important health history.

When I was diagnosed with BC, I met with a geneticist who ran tests on me. I was negative for either of the BRCA genes, but if I'd come back positive, there was a plan in place - guided by the geneticist - to inform my adult daughters and son.

+1 it would be helpful for the girlfriend to know her risk. I don't think you should say anything to the her but you can educate your son about BC and BRCA genes so he knows about the science.

Than you. I would never talk to her about this . I will wait for another year to talk to my child.
Op

And you’re going to say what to him?

"Son, it's time to confirm that I have not the remotest ability to stay in my own lane. I can't imagine that this will in any way damage my relationship with you."

OMG THIS. The girlfriend knows the risk. She lost her mother when she was very young. There can be serious psychological ramifications to having this testing done and it is none of your dang business when and whether she does it. It would not even be your business if they were married. Just stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son is junior in college and has a girlfriend since grade 12. He is getting serious about her. They were together in HS and go to different colleges and meetup during breaks and summer. Long distance relationship seems to be working for them. Please don’t bash me. Girlfriends mom passed away from breast cancer when she was in grade 11 and mom was 48 yrs old when passed away, so does one of her mom’s aunt (45-48yrs) passed away from same few years ago.
I am not sure what to say one part of me says I should tell him that her GF should get genetic testing and other thought says leave it alone. How would you handle it?

Wow. I would not want you as a mother-in-law.
Mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son is junior in college and has a girlfriend since grade 12. He is getting serious about her. They were together in HS and go to different colleges and meetup during breaks and summer. Long distance relationship seems to be working for them. Please don’t bash me. Girlfriends mom passed away from breast cancer when she was in grade 11 and mom was 48 yrs old when passed away, so does one of her mom’s aunt (45-48yrs) passed away from same few years ago.
I am not sure what to say one part of me says I should tell him that her GF should get genetic testing and other thought says leave it alone. How would you handle it?

Cancer is primarily lifestyle choices.

Not hereditary breast cancer you Bozo. Even 15% of lung cancer is unrelated to smoking. Some factors are related to lifestyle but there are also environmental factors beyond our individual control. You should try reading instead of posting.

As far as OP's question: no, it is not your place to make this suggestion. Presumably your son is intelligent, and he can ponder this reality.

Hopefully in the future, there will be prenatal tests or advanced screening/treatment options that will provide this young woman with a long and healthy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand where you’re coming from. I would wait a little longer until she’s actually your DIL. At that time, can also bring up potential IVF as an option if she does carry the BRCA gene too so it is not passed on to their kids.

Absolutely do not bring this up or suggest this at any point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son is junior in college and has a girlfriend since grade 12. He is getting serious about her. They were together in HS and go to different colleges and meetup during breaks and summer. Long distance relationship seems to be working for them. Please don’t bash me. Girlfriends mom passed away from breast cancer when she was in grade 11 and mom was 48 yrs old when passed away, so does one of her mom’s aunt (45-48yrs) passed away from same few years ago.
I am not sure what to say one part of me says I should tell him that her GF should get genetic testing and other thought says leave it alone. How would you handle it?

Cancer is primarily lifestyle choices.

Nope nope nope

[Anonymous]

What is this “little intervention” that would prevent your son’s suffering? Breaking up with her? Jeebus.

He will choose her, and you will be alone.