When to tell parents about vacation?

[Anonymous]

It’s easy. Tell them without giving too many details.

Grandma: it’s getting late. What are your vacation plans.

You: honestly, we planned it a while ago but this always turns into an argument so I’ve been avoiding the topic.

Grandma: upset, guilt….

You: from now on we are going on vacation alone. This is why I didn’t want to have this conversation. I need to go now. Good bye.

Hang up.

[Anonymous]

Grandma: so where is vacation?
You: we are going to xyz, just us
Grandma: why do you hate me?!?!
You: We are going on vacation to spend time as a nuclear family, we do not hate you.
Grandma: but if you loved me you’d want me there!
You: We are going on vacation to spend time as a nuclear family, we do not hate you.
Grandma: but it’s not faiiiir.
You: I love you, I don’t want to argue with you, I’ll talk to you later, bye.

The initial tantrum will be bad, 2 days later will be really really bad, and then she’ll start to adjust to your plan. Unless you are afraid she is going to show up in the same city as you and wander the streets looking for you, I wouldn’t lie about plans. That just punts the issue to next year. Saying “we are going to NYC” or “we are headed to the beach in Florida” is truthful without telling her the hotel name you are staying at.

[Anonymous]

I’m so curious as to what vacation you are going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so curious as to what vacation you are going on.

Same.

And what difference does it make anyway? It's just putting off the same conversation. Planning something "last minute" after months of being asked by the grandparents is obviously ALSO ignoring them and refusing to travel with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so curious as to what vacation you are going on.

I’m guessing cruise.

[Anonymous]

Have you told your children about the vacation? They might spill the beans to your parents. I would advise silence until the last minute and tell the parents and kids at the same time. Surprise!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like it would be too late for them to join? Tell them about it now and let them throw their fit.

No way! Tell them when you return, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be very direct. “We are going on a vacation this year, just the four of us.” Then without getting into details, change the subject. I would not be willing to lie, and say things like we don’t know yet when we do, and if they threw a fit, I would just hang up and ignore any tantrums. If you truly think they will book a flight and join you at your destination, refuse to tell them where you are going, but that seems unlikely.

Yes this. You should have done this when they initially started asking honestly, but since you haven’t told them already the best time to tell them is now. Keep the details to a minimum if you need be, you can just say “oh we are going to France with just the four of us this year in July”. No need to give them exact dates and all that.

[Anonymous]

You go without telling them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Entitled parents who love to hint at inviting themselves on or full-out invite themselves on vacations with their children and then throw fits when you tell them you want to travel with just your nuclear family. (We HAVE vacationed with them, but every time it has been a disaster and an obligation more than an enjoyable time.)

We vacation every year right when our kids get out of school. Based on advice from this forum, we have decided to not tell them until either right before when it’s too late for them to join, or after we get back. But the parents are putting out STRONG feelers all of a sudden (“It’s getting late in the year. So you have your vacation planned yet?” “Where do you think you want to go this year?”)

As it turns out, we are going somewhere that required a lot of early planning and we’ve been booked for nearly a year at this point. I told DH yesterday that when they find out, they will never believe that we planned this trip last-minute, because it wouldn’t be possible!

So we need a game plan. They WILL ask again. At this point we are lying to their faces and when they find out they will know it. So what do we do? With the facts I have given you, how would you respond when they inevitably ask again so you aren’t blatantly lying, but also not giving them an opening to invite themselves?

Re: the bold: So what?

Next time they ask: "We booked a trip for DH, me and the kids to go to X. We'll be sure to tell you about it when we get back."

You don't have to say (or answer questions about) when you started booking. If they cry, "But you told us XYZ!" just say, "We weren't sure about the booking and wanted to wait until it was finalized before we started talking about it. Please pass the potatoes/How about those Commanders/Did you hear Niece is taking ballet" and so on.

You got yourself into the hole of having to undo a lie because, well, you lied (or was it just a lie of omission, not telling them? Less of a big deal, if that's the case.) As another PP said, you're an adult and need to grow a spine. You and DH are planning a great trip to a new place, hooray! Having to hide and dodge is silly game-playing. Just tell them, now, and either say "We didn't tell you sooner because frankly it's not an extended family vacation" or say, if you feel you must, "We didn't want to talk about it until it was finalized." Which is still fudging.

Next year, when they hint and prod, say UP FRONT the first time they ask--even if you have NO specific vacaton plans yet! -- "We're going to vacation with just us and the kids this year. We'll come see you (give them an actual date to chew on)." If they're OK in other respects and the vacation hinting and prodding is the only real issue, then yes, plan a short visit just to see them but not a vacation away with them along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You go without telling them.

Another lie of omission, then?

OP, if you do this you're only compounding the immature silliness of hiding from your own parents. Just tell them and carry on. You need to grow up about vacations and not be so scared of your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s easy. Tell them without giving too many details.

Grandma: it’s getting late. What are your vacation plans.

You: honestly, we planned it a while ago but this always turns into an argument so I’ve been avoiding the topic.

Grandma: upset, guilt….

You: from now on we are going on vacation alone. This is why I didn’t want to have this conversation. I need to go now. Good bye.

Hang up.

This script is intentionally baiting grandma to bring on the guilting etc. Good grief. Just say you're going, OP, and leave out the "this always turns into an argument so I've been avoiding the topic." That is practically begging your mom to engage with you and start arguing. I think this PP wants to ensure a rift occurs. Just announce with a smile and don't engage like this, or at all.