When to tell parents about vacation?

[Anonymous]

Entitled parents who love to hint at inviting themselves on or full-out invite themselves on vacations with their children and then throw fits when you tell them you want to travel with just your nuclear family. (We HAVE vacationed with them, but every time it has been a disaster and an obligation more than an enjoyable time.)

We vacation every year right when our kids get out of school. Based on advice from this forum, we have decided to not tell them until either right before when it’s too late for them to join, or after we get back. But the parents are putting out STRONG feelers all of a sudden (“It’s getting late in the year. So you have your vacation planned yet?” “Where do you think you want to go this year?”)

As it turns out, we are going somewhere that required a lot of early planning and we’ve been booked for nearly a year at this point. I told DH yesterday that when they find out, they will never believe that we planned this trip last-minute, because it wouldn’t be possible!

So we need a game plan. They WILL ask again. At this point we are lying to their faces and when they find out they will know it. So what do we do? With the facts I have given you, how would you respond when they inevitably ask again so you aren’t blatantly lying, but also not giving them an opening to invite themselves?

[Anonymous]

Never. I think you either have to be totally honest and explain why you didn’t tell them, or go all in on the lie. I don’t see how any sort of middle ground where they know you’re lying but you don’t explain why you lied will do anything besides make you look bad, hurt their feelings, and (most importantly) it resolves nothing. I’m conflict avoidant so I’d lie and not share pics on social media so they don’t find out.

[Anonymous]

You are married, with children. You have GOT to grow a spine. They are your parents, but you do not need to act as if you are a child. Tell them that you are vacationing with your nuclear family this year. They will be upset, but that is ok. That is not your problem to manage. If you have time and money to do so, plan a long weekend with them. Just be firm. Tell them the decision is made and you don’t want to talk about it anymore. You can do this!

[Anonymous]

Don't tell them anything. Simply make your plans and go.

[Anonymous]

Honestly Mom, you push so hard about joining us on vacations that we don't even want to tell you anymore. When we've vacationed together it's been a disaster rather than the great time we wish it was. So we're going to vacation with just our nuclear family. I understand this is not what you wanted, but it's what works best for us.

[Anonymous]

“We’re going to [vague location] at [vague time]. So looking forward to some getaway time with just us and the kids. WhT do you have planned for yourselves?”

[Anonymous]

After you get back or not at all. If they throw a fit afterward just change the subject.

[Anonymous]

They may not know as much as vacation planning as you think. So a week before you leave, tell them you will be gone for the next X days so you won’t be available. When they get angry, act confused - “oh, yeah, we are going to x. See you when we get back!”

If they ask why you didn’t tell them, you can either explain (didn’t want them to invited themselves along this time, or a kinder “wanted nuclear family time”), or lie and say it was last minute.

[Anonymous]

When you're back. "We had a great opportunity to go to X. It was great." and then change the subject. Or you can go ahead and plan a shorter trip with them or plan to visit them.

[Anonymous]

Are there places you know your parents definitely would not want to go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly Mom, you push so hard about joining us on vacations that we don't even want to tell you anymore. When we've vacationed together it's been a disaster rather than the great time we wish it was. So we're going to vacation with just our nuclear family. I understand this is not what you wanted, but it's what works best for us.

This. Write it on a sticky note. Carry it around and read from it the next time they ask. It’s so honest and mature that they will be stunned into silence. In that moment of silence, move on to another topic. Or say that you hear the doorbell.

[Anonymous]

Grow a pair.

[Anonymous]

“It’s getting late in the year. Where are you going for vacation?”

Why do you need to know?

“I’m just curious.”

But why do you need to know? I’m confused about why this is important to you.

Just because someone asks you something, you don’t have to answer it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell them anything. Simply make your plans and go.

+1

This. Done and done. Have a blast, OP! Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

When they ask you, just say, “We don’t know yet.” Then change the subject.

Who cares if it takes a lot of planning and that they will figure that out? So what? What do you think will happen? Play it out and decide which is worse: them going on vacation with you or them figuring out that you had a vacation planned all along without them.

You know the answer here.