Evil Stepmom

[Anonymous]

I think it has nothing to do with you. (Unless, werre you the AP?)

I would just continue to be kind but rrespect her obvious desire for boundaries. You can't control others, just yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never get involved with anyone who has an ex wife and children. Now you know why

+1. As divorced mom with kids, I much prefer single men without kids. I can afford to be picky b/c I'm attractive enough and I don't need another man's paycheck.

The thing is, 50-100 years ago, when a divorced/widowed man with kids married a divorced/widowed woman with kids, he would bring home paychecks and she would do the childcare. This was a fair trade at that time. The ex-spouses were usually either passed away or completely out of the picture. But nowadays at least among upper middle class divorces, the biological dad is usually still financially providing for the kid and the divorced mom usually has her own income as well, so she doesn't need to paycheck from her new partner. But on the other hand, if she marries a man with kids, she would still sign up for lots of childcare work (changing diapers like OP mentioned). Sounds like a pretty bad deal for the stepmother.

The stepfather would get applause from everyone as long as he doesn't molest/abuse the step kids and occasionally help with homework/sports or take them to get ice cream. The stepmother gets no credit when things go right, but gets all the blame when things go wrong. No thanks, I'll pass.

[Anonymous]

IT'S CALLED ADOLESCENCE.

Girls have it worse than boys in terms of emotions, because they have to learn to manage the roller coaster that is their hormones and periods. It's not fun at all, OP. Your boys will detach from you too, but perhaps not in the same way. I have a very moody tween girl, and a very detached but equable teen boy. Each is developing independence from us in their own way.

A successful parent sacrifices for years only to see their child leave the nest. Your daughter is treating you like the primary parent you are, OP!!! Continue to support and love her. It might take years, or even decades, but she will understand all that you did for her. She might never actually come out and say so, of course! But it doesn't need to be expressed, right? You and she will know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never get involved with anyone who has an ex wife and children. Now you know why

+1. As divorced mom with kids, I much prefer single men without kids. I can afford to be picky b/c I'm attractive enough and I don't need another man's paycheck.

The thing is, 50-100 years ago, when a divorced/widowed man with kids married a divorced/widowed woman with kids, he would bring home paychecks and she would do the childcare. This was a fair trade at that time. The ex-spouses were usually either passed away or completely out of the picture. But nowadays at least among upper middle class divorces, the biological dad is usually still financially providing for the kid and the divorced mom usually has her own income as well, so she doesn't need to paycheck from her new partner. But on the other hand, if she marries a man with kids, she would still sign up for lots of childcare work (changing diapers like OP mentioned). Sounds like a pretty bad deal for the stepmother.

The stepfather would get applause from everyone as long as he doesn't molest/abuse the step kids and occasionally help with homework/sports or take them to get ice cream. The stepmother gets no credit when things go right, but gets all the blame when things go wrong. No thanks, I'll pass.

Yes, that's pretty much it. I think it's especially good for young women to see this. They have way more options than to get tied down to parenting other people's children. Don't get involved with these men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never get involved with anyone who has an ex wife and children. Now you know why

+1. As divorced mom with kids, I much prefer single men without kids. I can afford to be picky b/c I'm attractive enough and I don't need another man's paycheck.

The thing is, 50-100 years ago, when a divorced/widowed man with kids married a divorced/widowed woman with kids, he would bring home paychecks and she would do the childcare. This was a fair trade at that time. The ex-spouses were usually either passed away or completely out of the picture. But nowadays at least among upper middle class divorces, the biological dad is usually still financially providing for the kid and the divorced mom usually has her own income as well, so she doesn't need to paycheck from her new partner. But on the other hand, if she marries a man with kids, she would still sign up for lots of childcare work (changing diapers like OP mentioned). Sounds like a pretty bad deal for the stepmother.

The stepfather would get applause from everyone as long as he doesn't molest/abuse the step kids and occasionally help with homework/sports or take them to get ice cream. The stepmother gets no credit when things go right, but gets all the blame when things go wrong. No thanks, I'll pass.

Yes, that's pretty much it. I think it's especially good for young women to see this. They have way more options than to get tied down to parenting other people's children. Don't get involved with these men.

I was the PP and I just want to say that the only scenario that I would consider dating a man with kids is if he can demonstrate that he is a very hands-on father and has no intention of dumping all the childcare work on me (which is what OP's husband did). Otherwise it's a hard pass for me regardless how much money he has.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're her parent (doesn't matter if you're bio or not, you jointly raised her). She's a teen. It's going to be rocky. Stay calm and carry on. Read the teen thread and there are plenty of bio moms in similar situations.

Give her space and breath through your feelings.

[Anonymous]

It's a teenager's job to seperate from their parents. That's a fundamental fact. You can't take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Wow, you sound like a great step-mom. This is just the teenage years, it's happening to me (to my own daughter). I would recommend one thing, see if her dad wants to offer some one-on-one time with her every now and then. It might keep their bond tight. Keep treating her fairly, show her love, and it's just a season of being a teenager (they are almost all ungrateful, selfish, and moody).

[Anonymous]

NP. Were you the AP or the reason the marriage failed? Or did you meet well after? My take on this will vary depending on what your role was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Were you the AP or the reason the marriage failed? Or did you meet well after? My take on this will vary depending on what your role was.

I am not sure what AP stands for but I had nothing to do with their relationship ending. It was over before I met him. His ex is the one who ended things and got back with her high school sweetheart and she is happily married to him as far as I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never get involved with anyone who has an ex wife and children. Now you know why

+1. As divorced mom with kids, I much prefer single men without kids. I can afford to be picky b/c I'm attractive enough and I don't need another man's paycheck.

The thing is, 50-100 years ago, when a divorced/widowed man with kids married a divorced/widowed woman with kids, he would bring home paychecks and she would do the childcare. This was a fair trade at that time. The ex-spouses were usually either passed away or completely out of the picture. But nowadays at least among upper middle class divorces, the biological dad is usually still financially providing for the kid and the divorced mom usually has her own income as well, so she doesn't need to paycheck from her new partner. But on the other hand, if she marries a man with kids, she would still sign up for lots of childcare work (changing diapers like OP mentioned). Sounds like a pretty bad deal for the stepmother.

The stepfather would get applause from everyone as long as he doesn't molest/abuse the step kids and occasionally help with homework/sports or take them to get ice cream. The stepmother gets no credit when things go right, but gets all the blame when things go wrong. No thanks, I'll pass.

Yes, that's pretty much it. I think it's especially good for young women to see this. They have way more options than to get tied down to parenting other people's children. Don't get involved with these men.

I was the PP and I just want to say that the only scenario that I would consider dating a man with kids is if he can demonstrate that he is a very hands-on father and has no intention of dumping all the childcare work on me (which is what OP's husband did). Otherwise it's a hard pass for me regardless how much money he has.

This is only a partial strategy because if you meet someone who has older kids then you won't be needed for hands-on childcare. BUT. Bigger kids, bigger problems. Meeting someone who has tweens or teens is even harder. They often will never accept your relationship and the attitude will carry over long after they are adults and have children of their own.

My advice is never get married to someone who has kids from another relationship. Period. That goes for both men and women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s the age OP. My teen daughter often treats me with the same contempt. Once in awhile she opens up a little, but then she slams the emotional door shut. She is nicer to her dad (still married). I just keep on parenting and loving her, even when she’s distant and emotional. She will come around eventually.

This

[Anonymous]

She is a teenager and you're the step momma. Just enjoy your freedom from her and concentrate on your kids. She'll come around when she is in her 20s and if she does not. Oh well! Let it Go! You can't force relationships. Signed, fellow step-mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're her parent (doesn't matter if you're bio or not, you jointly raised her). She's a teen. It's going to be rocky. Stay calm and carry on. Read the teen thread and there are plenty of bio moms in similar situations.

Give her space and breath through your feelings.

She is her father's second wife but she is not a parent. OP let herself be corralled into being a parent and she shouldn't have accepted this without in-depth counselling with all parties involved.

How many times does it have to be said: Do not get involved with anyone who is divorced with children!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're her parent (doesn't matter if you're bio or not, you jointly raised her). She's a teen. It's going to be rocky. Stay calm and carry on. Read the teen thread and there are plenty of bio moms in similar situations.

Give her space and breath through your feelings.

She is her father's second wife but she is not a parent. OP let herself be corralled into being a parent and she shouldn't have accepted this without in-depth counselling with all parties involved.

How many times does it have to be said: Do not get involved with anyone who is divorced with children!!!

Your first paragraph makes sense. About your 2nd paragraph: it would have been totally fine to be involved with someone with kids, as long as the expectation for the stepparent is just to be a nice/fun aunt or uncle. The problem is: too often the stepmom is expected to be a "mom", versus the stepdad is only expected to be a nice uncle.