Evil Stepmom

[Anonymous]

Please don't give up! I was in your position a long while ago, raising my stepdaughter from the age of 10 months on (her parents weren't married, and my DH and the biomom broke up during biomom's pregnancy). DSD and I were incredibly close for a long time, DH and I had other kids, the same situation. Then when DSD was a teen, she became cold and distant. I regret reacting to what I understand now was typical teenage boundaries and attitude.

It took a long while for us to become close again, but it really helped when she went away to college. It gave us a chance to write to each other and explore healthier boundaries. Now she's 31 years old, and we are closer than ever. I'd say I feel more attuned to her than to my other kids. Over the years we've talked about her teen years, and I've apologized for having overreacted.

I promise it will get better. I also know it's incredibly hard. Hugs to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are smoking crack if you think she should be "grateful" to you, or want to be in a relationship with you just because you changed her diapers over a decade ago. She didn't ask you to do that! Children don't owe their caretakers anything for taking care of them when they're babies.

She's 15. She's moody and you're taking it personally. YOU sound like a petty teenager quite frankly.

Also wanted to ask if I was the biological mom who wrote a post about my teen daughter been called and resentful would you have had the same reaction and said you’re acting like a teenager. Obviously you took the diapers part the wrong way. I was expressing that I have know her her whole life. I changed her diaper, took her to the park, play dates. I was trying to demonstrate that we had a strong bond. I was trying to show that I didn’t just meet her as teen. Yes teenagers are moody but there is a different between being moody and cold and resentful.

I heard you, OP, and am sorry you're experiencing this. It's weird that others seem to be fixated on the early care you provided for your DSD. Your husband's response feels off, he likely just doesn't want to feel caught in the middle, who knows. I like what PP poster said about just staying steadfast and letting her know you're there for her.

[Anonymous]

You need to learn to cope with and manage your feelings around this. As the adult and parent, it is your job to exhibit a certain level of resilience here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are smoking crack if you think she should be "grateful" to you, or want to be in a relationship with you just because you changed her diapers over a decade ago. She didn't ask you to do that! Children don't owe their caretakers anything for taking care of them when they're babies.

She's 15. She's moody and you're taking it personally. YOU sound like a petty teenager quite frankly.

Agreed. OP needs to remember that she is stepmom and DD has a mom who presumably has also been in her life since birth.

With the passive aggressive dramatic “evil stepmother” thread title and nonstop follow ups to every comment, I can see why DD may want to keep some distance between them.

I would advise OP to seek counseling to help her better manage her feelings. As someone with step parents, OPs feelings of entitlement to a certain type of relationship with DD is misguided and selfish.

The title was to get people to open an let read. I honestly did not think anyone would respond so it was a way to get input. I have respond to a number of responses because I read them an had something to say. I know my place a step mom and I respect the biological mom much very much. There is no comparison between me and her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't give up! I was in your position a long while ago, raising my stepdaughter from the age of 10 months on (her parents weren't married, and my DH and the biomom broke up during biomom's pregnancy). DSD and I were incredibly close for a long time, DH and I had other kids, the same situation. Then when DSD was a teen, she became cold and distant. I regret reacting to what I understand now was typical teenage boundaries and attitude.

It took a long while for us to become close again, but it really helped when she went away to college. It gave us a chance to write to each other and explore healthier boundaries. Now she's 31 years old, and we are closer than ever. I'd say I feel more attuned to her than to my other kids. Over the years we've talked about her teen years, and I've apologized for having overreacted.

I promise it will get better. I also know it's incredibly hard. Hugs to you!

OP - Thank you for you kind words. You have given me the most help feedback. I really appreciate hearing it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the great thing here is that you have a choice that you don’t have with your bio kids. You can either do what she is asking you to do and stay away somewhat, or you can keep trying, being there for her, and all the things other posters are suggesting. In the end, she has her mom and dad and you are free to step back somewhat. You don’t have that luxury with your bio kids because who is going to be there for them if not you?
Granted I have a jaded view of step parenting but this is my 2 cents

[Anonymous]

OP, be prepared that it may NOT get better.

While this may just be a case of typical teen behavior, it might not. It could be a much more complicated case of post-divorce issues which are just coming to the surface.

My SD did not come around even though she is now an adult with her own family. You need to prepare yourself that could happen to you too.

All you can expect now is for your SD to treat you with civility and respect. Asking for anything else may be an exercise in heartbreak.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don’t understand all the hate this mom is getting. She is obviously very involved with her step kido, so she should not be shamed for feeling how she is feeling. A lot of parents complaint about there teenagers. Why can’t she? I am luck to have a step mom who treated me like her own. We had a good relationship the whole time including my teen years. When I got married, I had 4 parents there all of whom I love. I gained 2 more. It was a great feeling. Now this we have a baby, all 3 sets of parents have offered to babysit, with each doing 1 week at a time. Blended families can be great if people work at it. For some it takes more work than others.

My message to OP is keep doing what you are doing. Just like what others have said, She will come around. Good luck, please ignore all the noise.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hate to say it, but your stepdaughter sounds like a totally normal teen to me. I get why you find her behavior hurtful and of course there's an extra layer of complexity to her usual teen angst/your sensitivity to it due to your step relationship but given the longevity and closeness of your relationship, I think you should push through that and keep on loving her. Maybe step back from dedicated activities (cook class, etc) since it's clear that's really emotionally draining for you, but keep loving her and offering her hugs and presents and rides like you do your bio kids. And be prepared for the bio kids to be just as bad in a few years. My small sample of moody teens suggests she's start appreciating you again when she goes off to college and misses home comforts. It's a rough decade and it sounds like it's hitting you extra hard. Hugs to you; it sounds like you're a great mom.

[Anonymous]

My kids are entering teens. It's the age mostly, which may or may not be complicated by her family situation. She's growing into a woman and probably starting to identify with her mom. She may feel disloyal (even though it doesn't make sense) if she enjoys anything with you. Perhaps she would want whatever little time she does spend with family (with teens, this is usually very little) to be with her bio-parents. Maybe she wishes they were as responsive as you to her interests.

All to say, it's probably not you, and yet it is you. In her mind, you will rank lower than her parents and her friends, which is the way kids involuntary feel. It's okay that you should feel this changing relationship. Maybe give her space, but leave the door open if she wants to come to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hate to say it, but your stepdaughter sounds like a totally normal teen to me. I get why you find her behavior hurtful and of course there's an extra layer of complexity to her usual teen angst/your sensitivity to it due to your step relationship but given the longevity and closeness of your relationship, I think you should push through that and keep on loving her. Maybe step back from dedicated activities (cook class, etc) since it's clear that's really emotionally draining for you, but keep loving her and offering her hugs and presents and rides like you do your bio kids. And be prepared for the bio kids to be just as bad in a few years. My small sample of moody teens suggests she's start appreciating you again when she goes off to college and misses home comforts. It's a rough decade and it sounds like it's hitting you extra hard. Hugs to you; it sounds like you're a great mom.
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This. It's the age. Sure, it might be permanent as one poster above said. But probably not. And you won't know until the teens have gotten up and over what my grandmother used to refer to as the "Fool's Hill" stage of growing up . . .

Just don't push. Be around but not nagging to do things. Every so often they will surprise you and suddenly be into a family game, event, etc. Just be steady.

[Anonymous]

I agree with what a lot of people are saying. You got keep being you. You tried to do the cooking class but that didn’t work out. So what? You live and you learn. If you go to therapy for teen-parent related behaviors. The therapist generally will tell to find common hobbies and try to spend time together. You are doing your best. Parenting is like riding a bike, you gotta keep peddling.

To quote Maya Angelo “Do your best until you know better, and when you know better, do better”

[Anonymous]

Never get involved with anyone who has an ex wife and children. Now you know why

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never get involved with anyone who has an ex wife and children. Now you know why

She has bio-children who will probably be equally annoyed at hanging out with her when they are teens.

[Anonymous]

Oh geez, stop making this about you. She's a kid who is growing, dealing with hormones, what different relationships mean in her life, etc. Give her space, but be a soft place to land.