I can’t stop being salty even though I know it’s irrational

[Anonymous]

Many years ago, I was the recipient of a $10,000 bequest. It was a big deal, it made the difference between whether I could attend college or not (it covered 2 years). My cousins weren't left any money and the reason I was told it's because this aunt and uncle had given money to their mother all of their lives and the cousins had received my gifts from them over the years. The bequest was a sort of sorry we didn't help more when you were younger.
Before you take it as a personal insult, which it does seem like on the surface, could there be more to the story?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You are not owed anything from dead relatives. You did not earn that money. Have grace.

Well I mean neither did my cousin, but it had to be left to someone. It’s hurtful nonetheless, to know my grandfather didn’t see me as deserving. I wish I could ask him why.

He could’ve left it to Donald Duck. And I still think you’re being irrational. It’s not yours to have.

NP, but you honestly can’t understand the hurt?

I can understand initial hurt and disappointment, but then it’s time to move on. Her disappointment stems from what her perceptions/assumptions of what was going to happen.

OP says herself “ I work my butt off, and for what!” That tells me there’s more going on than just the grandfather’s inheritance. She has a chip on her shoulder. I hope she’s able to work through these issues, finding acceptance and happiness.

I get that, but when we pass on and leave our estate to others, with it we have the choice to either improve our memories in the eyes of our loved ones, or tarnish them, as noted here. A blatant choice was made here, and a tarnished memory formed because of that choice.

+1

Totally agree. OP, you grandfather did that to himself. Tell your kids what he was really like - don't hold back! He made his choice of how he wants to be remembered.

Can you imagine what this would teach OP’s kids? Money is everything kids. All value as a person can be reduced to cash money. If you approve of someone’s life choices the only way to show them is to pay them.

Meh. Hopefully the kids already know about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not owed anything from dead relatives. You did not earn that money. Have grace.

Well I mean neither did my cousin, but it had to be left to someone. It’s hurtful nonetheless, to know my grandfather didn’t see me as deserving. I wish I could ask him why.

He could’ve left it to Donald Duck. And I still think you’re being irrational. It’s not yours to have.

NP, but you honestly can’t understand the hurt?

I can understand initial hurt and disappointment, but then it’s time to move on. Her disappointment stems from what her perceptions/assumptions of what was going to happen.

OP says herself “ I work my butt off, and for what!” That tells me there’s more going on than just the grandfather’s inheritance. She has a chip on her shoulder. I hope she’s able to work through these issues, finding acceptance and happiness.

I get that, but when we pass on and leave our estate to others, with it we have the choice to either improve our memories in the eyes of our loved ones, or tarnish them, as noted here. A blatant choice was made here, and a tarnished memory formed because of that choice.

+1

Totally agree. OP, you grandfather did that to himself. Tell your kids what he was really like - don't hold back! He made his choice of how he wants to be remembered.

Can you imagine what this would teach OP’s kids? Money is everything kids. All value as a person can be reduced to cash money. If you approve of someone’s life choices the only way to show them is to pay them.

Meh. Hopefully the kids already know about money.

What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its just your greed, envy and your poverty. You are lamenting your fate. It is ok to feel bad. And it is not irrational. You cannot even wish your grandfather ill because he is already dead.

Would it make you feel better if in front of your relatives you announce, "That MoFo grandparent did not give me money and gave another cousin money, so that makes me very hurt and angry. Hope he rots in hell!" Do you think that will make you feel good?

You’re probably right. I work hard and struggle to make ends meet every month. I’m was hit with some blows that hit me hard financially, and I worry I’ll never catch up.

It wouldn’t make me feel better to say those things. It would make me feel better if I could ask my grandfather why he wasn’t willing to help me when he could. He knew my struggles. He did nothing, when he could. It feels like an insult, and I wish I could ask him why.

I think if you would have worked harder at school and excelled in a well paying field, you would not have been in such a sorry state. Poverty is not comfortable, right? Poverty makes you a bitter and petty person without any self-respect and pride. Your grandfather probably did not like you and liked the other grandchild better. But, what does it matter? He is dead and you are alive. Can you figure out how you can improve your finances through your own efforts?

[Anonymous]

Grandkid wants granddad's money.

[Anonymous]

I am wondering why you know about the Will details (who received X amount of money?). Is the cousin rubbing it in your face? Did your mother tell you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help!

I wasn’t left anything in my grandfather’s will when he passed. I have one cousin, who was left a considerable amount of money (around $25000) and I was left zero. The reasoning was that he had a difficult childhood. It could be argued that I had an equally difficult childhood, but that’s neither here nor there. For whatever reason, though this cousin grew up with similar disadvantages, he was catered to his whole life. It just doesn’t seem fair, and I’m salty about the whole thing, even though I know I shouldn’t be. I’ve had the absolute worst couple of years financially and even $12500, had the money been split between us, would have improved my life in ways I’m sure my grandfather can’t imagine, while also probably improving my cousin’s life with that amount. I’m so exhausted and tired of struggling for everything I have while watching other people get things so easily. I work my butt off, and for what!

Now anytime anyone brings up my grandfather I get an awful taste in my mouth, and then I feel shameful. But I can’t help feeling snubbed, yet again. Please help!

Did cousin spend (a lot) more time with grandpa than you?

[Anonymous]

I would feel salty too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering why you know about the Will details (who received X amount of money?). Is the cousin rubbing it in your face? Did your mother tell you?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many years ago, I was the recipient of a $10,000 bequest. It was a big deal, it made the difference between whether I could attend college or not (it covered 2 years). My cousins weren't left any money and the reason I was told it's because this aunt and uncle had given money to their mother all of their lives and the cousins had received my gifts from them over the years. The bequest was a sort of sorry we didn't help more when you were younger.
Before you take it as a personal insult, which it does seem like on the surface, could there be more to the story?

This. There is probably more to the story and your grandfather probably felt very peaceful in his decision but somebody (the mom and uncle) are not fessing up!

If I let the my nasty side through, I would definitely think/expect that my side of the family would get the bulk of inheritance because sibling and sibling children has been very obviously propped up for years. Reality is either 50/50 or the same as during life because they "need it more". But I try not to go down nasty rabbit holes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its just your greed, envy and your poverty. You are lamenting your fate. It is ok to feel bad. And it is not irrational. You cannot even wish your grandfather ill because he is already dead.

Would it make you feel better if in front of your relatives you announce, "That MoFo grandparent did not give me money and gave another cousin money, so that makes me very hurt and angry. Hope he rots in hell!" Do you think that will make you feel good?

You’re probably right. I work hard and struggle to make ends meet every month. I’m was hit with some blows that hit me hard financially, and I worry I’ll never catch up.

It wouldn’t make me feel better to say those things. It would make me feel better if I could ask my grandfather why he wasn’t willing to help me when he could. He knew my struggles. He did nothing, when he could. It feels like an insult, and I wish I could ask him why.

I think if you would have worked harder at school and excelled in a well paying field, you would not have been in such a sorry state. Poverty is not comfortable, right? Poverty makes you a bitter and petty person without any self-respect and pride. Your grandfather probably did not like you and liked the other grandchild better. But, what does it matter? He is dead and you are alive. Can you figure out how you can improve your finances through your own efforts?

NP.
Whoa, you sound harsh!
Not everyone is academically gifted enough to excel in a well paying field. Not everyone is interested in becoming a lawyer or a surgeon, and not everyone has the acumen to become a successful entrepreneur. And even an academically gifted person may just be a bookworm all their life.

Telling the OP she should have done better at school is pointless. What's done is done.

I do agree with you when you say that the OP should try and improve her financial situation. It's never too late to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I understand your hurt.

That said, it doesn't erase the real experiences you had with him.

I had a relative who explained to me that she isn't leaving xxxx money because she knows they'll be okay. On paper there was absolutely no reason to think so

Who knows what baggage your grandfather had. He may have simply made a mistake. It's okay to be hurt because it's hurtful. That said, I wouldn't question the relationship.

Money is a funny thing, and people's relationship with money is more emotional than they like to admit, and I don't know your or his story, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

+1

Sometimes we (potential receipients) look at money in a funny way too. You are saying that your grandfather giving money to you means you had value in his eyes. But your grandfather likely saw you and your relationship differently. He may feel that you are more capable than your cousin. Perhaps he felt he owed your cousin in some way for raising a parent who was not capable. Perhaps he thought your cousin was far less capable than you without as decent of a parent. Basically you are tying money and care but your grandparent might be tying money and guilt/obligation/worry etc

It’s still annoying, I get it. My parents have also wrestled (openly telling me) with how to split their assets between me and my brother. More for brother than me because they see him as less capable and less able to take of himself. For a long time it made sense to me but now that we’re middle aged, it’s begun to bother me. So I hear you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many years ago, I was the recipient of a $10,000 bequest. It was a big deal, it made the difference between whether I could attend college or not (it covered 2 years). My cousins weren't left any money and the reason I was told it's because this aunt and uncle had given money to their mother all of their lives and the cousins had received my gifts from them over the years. The bequest was a sort of sorry we didn't help more when you were younger.
Before you take it as a personal insult, which it does seem like on the surface, could there be more to the story?

The key is knowing the story so that it makes sense. If the people left behind, don’t understand the reasoning, then, of course, hurt feelings, and misconceptions are going to be in play.

Sure, nobody necessarily deserves anything, and the deceased person can do whatever they want with their money, but the fact remains that the consequences of all of this do affect human emotions and interactions. Leaving behind hurt and wounded relationships is sad when it can be prevented.

[Anonymous]

Was your grandfather under the mistaken impression that you are very rich? Also, could you ask your mother to help out?

[Anonymous]

Ignore some of these posts.You have a right to your feelings. It is finances 101 that you treat loved ones equally in the will or you sew the seeds for dysfunction and resentment. It is unfair. Your grandfather did something rude. Yes, people can do anything they want with money. They can be total jerks with it and the consequence is they are remembered that way.