Parent with Alzheimer living with you - Kids?

[Anonymous]

No way sorry. Maybe in the early stages but not later on. My parent w dementia has at times: been really angry, aggressive and mean, saying awful things, throwing and breaking objects in the house, staying up til all hours of the night, stomping around and turning music up loud, left dish towels on top of a hot burner starting a small fire, locked herself into/out of rooms, ran water until it overflows, physically hurt others, hide things around the house constantly and no one can find them (this has happened multiple times w important items like keys and phones, medicine) etc etc. I don’t expect my young kids to understand that. It’s scary and upsetting even for adults and it’s not a safe environment. It could be very damaging to them not to mention how unfair it is to the person w Alzheimer’s who no doubt feels unsafe and confused living like that as well.

This +100. People who don't have direct experience with dementia/Alzheimer's don't understand. It's so much more than memory loss. My grandfather became physically abusive to his wife in his later years with Alzheimers. My dad, diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment, has started yelling and cursing at my mom -- completely out of character for him. We are meeting as a family now to determine when to move him into a care facility before he physically hits her -- it's only a matter of time. No way would I put my kids in this kind of harm's way. But cases are unique and you may be able to swing caregiving at home -- just know your limits and have a backup plan.

[Anonymous]

My FIL with Alzheimers pulled his pants down in SIL’s elementary-aged kids bedroom and peed on their carpet. He thought it was the bathroom. Fortunately, they were asleep. He accused the housekeeper of stealing his money and took the baby from the nanny because he didn’t like the way she looked. Finally, MIL moved him to a memory unit of an assisted living facility so everyone could be safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No way sorry. Maybe in the early stages but not later on. My parent w dementia has at times: been really angry, aggressive and mean, saying awful things, throwing and breaking objects in the house, staying up til all hours of the night, stomping around and turning music up loud, left dish towels on top of a hot burner starting a small fire, locked herself into/out of rooms, ran water until it overflows, physically hurt others, hide things around the house constantly and no one can find them (this has happened multiple times w important items like keys and phones, medicine) etc etc. I don’t expect my young kids to understand that. It’s scary and upsetting even for adults and it’s not a safe environment. It could be very damaging to them not to mention how unfair it is to the person w Alzheimer’s who no doubt feels unsafe and confused living like that as well.

This +100. People who don't have direct experience with dementia/Alzheimer's don't understand. It's so much more than memory loss. My grandfather became physically abusive to his wife in his later years with Alzheimers. My dad, diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment, has started yelling and cursing at my mom -- completely out of character for him. We are meeting as a family now to determine when to move him into a care facility before he physically hits her -- it's only a matter of time. No way would I put my kids in this kind of harm's way. But cases are unique and you may be able to swing caregiving at home -- just know your limits and have a backup plan.

+1,000,000

I am in the throws of this and my parent does not live with me. No amount of therapy is going to make any of this OK for me as a grown adult with life experience. I have faced many adversities in life and certainly have not lived a charmed life, but this has really thrown me as an ADULT. It's easy to hear and read how people become, but when your own parent becomes highly verbally abusive toward you, even if those tendencies were there in milder form before, it is a complete mind F as you deplete all your energy trying to help. I am having trouble forgiving myself for what i allowed my own children to witness and the damage it did and the nightmare goes on and like I said, I don't live with her!

[Anonymous]

We did it for about 9 months but small house/no money for a caretaker and it was a nightmare. I couldn't leave her home alone and the rare times I did I was so scared something would happen but she wouldn't leave the house. Lots of bathroom accidents, couldn't bathe, clothe or feed herself. It was worse than a newborn. When the screaming profanities and really bad behavior came, I had to do a nursing home as I couldn't handle it alone especially with young kids.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for sharing this story. Women are sold this myth that endless sacrifice for your parents will reap rewards and teach your kids to do the same for you and you will be blessed. Nope. The truth is a lot of people deplete themselves to the point of serious illness, a lot die at a younger age than their own parent and it can be damaging to the families they created.

My dad grew up with crazy elderly grandma in the house. He resented it. As soon as he went off to college, he never came back and he hated his mother for always putting grandma first. He did not visit his mother when she was dying. His childhood is filled with bad memories and guilt trips. it is a gift to teach your kid healthy boundaries. You can love grandma, visit her and still take care of yourself and make your own family you created a priority.

He didn’t visit when she was dying? That seems really harsh, though I suppose there are parts of the story we don’t know.

[Anonymous]

My mother had our grandmother live with us, and it was terrible. And I loved my grandmother so much but she became violent, nasty-mean and just unbearable.

It was also terrible for my parents' marriage.

Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

OP. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses and for sharing your experiences. I can see how the change in personality by itself can be very hurtful for kids/teens. Eg, when a beloved grandmother makes unwarranted mean comments about a girl’s weight. I wonder whether the meanness is selective in some way, as I am closer to my mom than my sister is, she says more hurtful things to me. I can take it, although a hard pill to swallow (and not how I want to remember our relationship), but it can’t be good for the kids. I also don’t know that it would teach them empathy, I think they’d run from any caregiving situation and not touch it with a 10 Ft pole. This happened to my friend. Even having to visit her grandmother in memory care was too much for her and she is not taking care of her elderly mom - she lives rather far away and has no intention to return home for her widowed mother. I am coming to terms with my mom not living with us. Unfortunately we won’t have the situation where I can visit regularly, as she lives a very long plane ride away from me (I moved away from home). Something I definitely grapple with, and which gives me a lot of guilt. Then OTOH, I sometimes get very hurt by the things my mom says to me. Definitely a conflict I face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandparent with dementia lived with my family when I was a teenager. Yes, it was difficult sometimes, but my siblings and I learned good things from the experience.

We learned about taking care of the elderly, we learned that a person is still loved and worthy of our care even when their personality seems to have gone from their body. We learned that our parents were willing to make sacrifices to take care of their parents: a lesson that we learned well and thought back on many years later while we were taking care of our parent with dementia.

We also learned that life is not always perfect and that people are not always perfect, but we continue to care for and love people even when it is very, very difficult. Because that is what good people do. And my parents gave us an unforgettable example of what it means to be and how to be a good person. I am very thankful today for that experience of my grandparent living and eventually dying within the care of my family.

I don’t think you know what “dementia” means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the “good people “ comment really touched a nerve. I think it’s great your parents were able to handle taking care of both their parents with Alzheimer’s and their school age kids and it set a good example of responsibility.

This option is not for everyone depending on how Alzheimer’s is presenting, safety issues, how old the kids are , etc.

I don’t think the “good people “ poster meant to be judgmental.

She did and she’s judgy over something she didn’t even do herself. When is she planning to take her own parents in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent didn’t live with us but we took kids to visit multiple times per week from preschool to middle school age. I think it taught them empathy and patience but I realize living with them full time might have been very different and much harder.

Same. My kids and I see my parents several times a week, but we do not live with them. They live separately and have a caregiver. The separation is kind of key to not letting everyone lose their minds when a grandparent is very very sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother took care of my grandmother, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, at home for about 12 years. The caregiving started when I was a teenager. There was nothing about the experience I would want to repeat. It was awful. My mother's life revolved around my grandmother's all-consuming care.

My mother ended up dying 18 months after her mother died. She thought she was gonna be free after the caregiving ended. But she was not. Instead she became a cancer patient and died quickly thereafter.

I know I loved my grandmother at some point. But I don't remember that anymore. I am just angry at her for robbing me of a normal relationship with my mom. I know she did not do it on purpose. I get all that. But. I wish instead my mom would have placed her in a facility near us where we could interact with her without all the stress the caregiving introduced into our family.

Don't do this to yourself and your kids.

Thank you for sharing this story. Women are sold this myth that endless sacrifice for your parents will reap rewards and teach your kids to do the same for you and you will be blessed. Nope. The truth is a lot of people deplete themselves to the point of serious illness, a lot die at a younger age than their own parent and it can be damaging to the families they created.

My dad grew up with crazy elderly grandma in the house. He resented it. As soon as he went off to college, he never came back and he hated his mother for always putting grandma first. He did not visit his mother when she was dying. His childhood is filled with bad memories and guilt trips. it is a gift to teach your kid healthy boundaries. You can love grandma, visit her and still take care of yourself and make your own family you created a priority.

NP. I know so many women who pass soon after their spouse or parent dies, anecdotally. I'm trying to look this up in PubMed, but i am pretty sure there's actual scientific evidence to support pp's statement above. Women who are caregivers to either a parent or spouse have higher rates of mortality and lower life expectancy.