Parent with Alzheimer living with you - Kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandparent with dementia lived with my family when I was a teenager. Yes, it was difficult sometimes, but my siblings and I learned good things from the experience.

We learned about taking care of the elderly, we learned that a person is still loved and worthy of our care even when their personality seems to have gone from their body. We learned that our parents were willing to make sacrifices to take care of their parents: a lesson that we learned well and thought back on many years later while we were taking care of our parent with dementia.

We also learned that life is not always perfect and that people are not always perfect, but we continue to care for and love people even when it is very, very difficult. Because that is what good people do. And my parents gave us an unforgettable example of what it means to be and how to be a good person. I am very thankful today for that experience of my grandparent living and eventually dying within the care of my family.

If your loved ones never experienced sundowning/insomnia, dementia-related aggression, exit-seeking/elopement, self-injurious behaviors like biting themself, inappropriate sexual behavior, coprophagia, and all the other potentially harmful and dangerous behaviors that can result from dementia, well, lucky you. But don't judge the rest of us who are trying to deal with it and to keep our innocent children safe from it.

Some people with dementia require 24/7 supervision and cannot safely live in a household with children, period. That's the unpleasant truth. So stop patting yourself on the back for being such a good person. You're just lucky that these things didn't come up for you.

We did deal with some of these things, with four children in the house. I was the oldest, a high school student at the time. I totally get that not everyone can handle this kind of care, I was just pointing out the good things I learned from it.

It certainly was not easy and my parents, particularly my mother, made huge sacrifices to care for my grandparent. Someone had to be there every moment, and even then, there was wandering and inappropriate behavior. And this was long before as much was known about dementias as is known now. But it was not all bad. And I hugely admire my parents for what they did, even though it was very difficult for all of us as a family at that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandparent with dementia lived with my family when I was a teenager. Yes, it was difficult sometimes, but my siblings and I learned good things from the experience.

We learned about taking care of the elderly, we learned that a person is still loved and worthy of our care even when their personality seems to have gone from their body. We learned that our parents were willing to make sacrifices to take care of their parents: a lesson that we learned well and thought back on many years later while we were taking care of our parent with dementia.

We also learned that life is not always perfect and that people are not always perfect, but we continue to care for and love people even when it is very, very difficult. Because that is what good people do. And my parents gave us an unforgettable example of what it means to be and how to be a good person. I am very thankful today for that experience of my grandparent living and eventually dying within the care of my family.

If your loved ones never experienced sundowning/insomnia, dementia-related aggression, exit-seeking/elopement, self-injurious behaviors like biting themself, inappropriate sexual behavior, coprophagia, and all the other potentially harmful and dangerous behaviors that can result from dementia, well, lucky you. But don't judge the rest of us who are trying to deal with it and to keep our innocent children safe from it.

Some people with dementia require 24/7 supervision and cannot safely live in a household with children, period. That's the unpleasant truth. So stop patting yourself on the back for being such a good person. You're just lucky that these things didn't come up for you.

Or had to worry for your life…my dad woke up to my mom screaming and stabbing the bed with a knife. I’m so lucky she didn’t do this…

https://www.thedailybeast.com/family-arrives-for-thanksgiving-dinnerand-finds-host-connie-denio-dismembered

[Anonymous]

MY kids visit my mom who who has Alzheimer's. No way could she live with us. Lots of sundowning/insomnia. Not to mention that DH and I work and are constantly in meetings, etc. She also says a lot of horrible things - it would just be too much. And she would never want us to sacrifice ourselves like that. Not to mention I don't think she would be any happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandparent with dementia lived with my family when I was a teenager. Yes, it was difficult sometimes, but my siblings and I learned good things from the experience.

We learned about taking care of the elderly, we learned that a person is still loved and worthy of our care even when their personality seems to have gone from their body. We learned that our parents were willing to make sacrifices to take care of their parents: a lesson that we learned well and thought back on many years later while we were taking care of our parent with dementia.

We also learned that life is not always perfect and that people are not always perfect, but we continue to care for and love people even when it is very, very difficult. Because that is what good people do. And my parents gave us an unforgettable example of what it means to be and how to be a good person. I am very thankful today for that experience of my grandparent living and eventually dying within the care of my family.

If your loved ones never experienced sundowning/insomnia, dementia-related aggression, exit-seeking/elopement, self-injurious behaviors like biting themself, inappropriate sexual behavior, coprophagia, and all the other potentially harmful and dangerous behaviors that can result from dementia, well, lucky you. But don't judge the rest of us who are trying to deal with it and to keep our innocent children safe from it.

Some people with dementia require 24/7 supervision and cannot safely live in a household with children, period. That's the unpleasant truth. So stop patting yourself on the back for being such a good person. You're just lucky that these things didn't come up for you.

We did deal with some of these things, with four children in the house. I was the oldest, a high school student at the time. I totally get that not everyone can handle this kind of care, I was just pointing out the good things I learned from it.

It certainly was not easy and my parents, particularly my mother, made huge sacrifices to care for my grandparent. Someone had to be there every moment, and even then, there was wandering and inappropriate behavior. And this was long before as much was known about dementias as is known now. But it was not all bad. And I hugely admire my parents for what they did, even though it was very difficult for all of us as a family at that time.

Your mother was not a good person, if she forced her children to endure the things the pp described. Parents are supposed to protect their children, "that is what good people do."

[Anonymous]

No way sorry. Maybe in the early stages but not later on. My parent w dementia has at times: been really angry, aggressive and mean, saying awful things, throwing and breaking objects in the house, staying up til all hours of the night, stomping around and turning music up loud, left dish towels on top of a hot burner starting a small fire, locked herself into/out of rooms, ran water until it overflows, physically hurt others, hide things around the house constantly and no one can find them (this has happened multiple times w important items like keys and phones, medicine) etc etc. I don’t expect my young kids to understand that. It’s scary and upsetting even for adults and it’s not a safe environment. It could be very damaging to them not to mention how unfair it is to the person w Alzheimer’s who no doubt feels unsafe and confused living like that as well.

[Anonymous]

Please don't do this and protect your kids. A friend of mine's mother parade nude in front of her teenage grandson all the time until they got her placed.

My own kids are very traumatized by the behavior of their grandparents who stayed in their own home. One became highly belligerent and quite verbally abusive toward me. I should have limited visits more. It has caused a lot of damage and therapy is sorting through it all.

[Anonymous]

I don’t mean to pile on, but just want to reinforce that children remember being assaulted and yelled at for the rest of their lives. I do. And now, 40 years later, I can have compassion for my Grandfather in the throes of Alzheimers—it must have been awful—but it was my parent’s job to protect me and they didn’t. He gave me a black eye as a 9 year old. He pushed me down the stairs the next year. It was only because he set the kitchen on fire that he was finally moved to a locked ward. At this point you are in harm mitigation territory.

[Anonymous]

the “good people “ comment really touched a nerve. I think it’s great your parents were able to handle taking care of both their parents with Alzheimer’s and their school age kids and it set a good example of responsibility.

This option is not for everyone depending on how Alzheimer’s is presenting, safety issues, how old the kids are , etc.

I don’t think the “good people “ poster meant to be judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the “good people “ comment really touched a nerve. I think it’s great your parents were able to handle taking care of both their parents with Alzheimer’s and their school age kids and it set a good example of responsibility.

This option is not for everyone depending on how Alzheimer’s is presenting, safety issues, how old the kids are , etc.

I don’t think the “good people “ poster meant to be judgmental.

Yes she did.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think that PP was trying to judge but rather to say that there can be positives.

I see both sides of this. I also, as a child, spent months living with a completely senile grandparent. There was no violence but it was scary, unpredictable and very isolating. Two things can be true: I was too young and should not have had this exposure AND I learned a great deal from my mother’s sacrifice. I am still in awe of what she did and gave up to do the right thing (there was no option of a nice medical facility). I feel like I gained something morally but lost something psychologically, if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think that PP was trying to judge but rather to say that there can be positives.

I see both sides of this. I also, as a child, spent months living with a completely senile grandparent. There was no violence but it was scary, unpredictable and very isolating. Two things can be true: I was too young and should not have had this exposure AND I learned a great deal from my mother’s sacrifice. I am still in awe of what she did and gave up to do the right thing (there was no option of a nice medical facility). I feel like I gained something morally but lost something psychologically, if that makes sense.

That is not what they said. They specifically said "that is what good people do"--not "there can be positives." She was explicitly saying that if you do not subject your children to the violence, sexual aggression, coprophagia (I had to look it up!), etc. that the other pp detailed, you are in fact not "a good person."

[Anonymous]

Some of us can’t avoid these kind of situations (eg my DH has Parkinson’s ) but I would definitely get a plan for care outside your home as you’ll need it at some point. If there are funds, go to an elder care attorney immediately and if not research state resources and Medicaid immediately.

[Anonymous]

My mother took care of my grandmother, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, at home for about 12 years. The caregiving started when I was a teenager. There was nothing about the experience I would want to repeat. It was awful. My mother's life revolved around my grandmother's all-consuming care.

My mother ended up dying 18 months after her mother died. She thought she was gonna be free after the caregiving ended. But she was not. Instead she became a cancer patient and died quickly thereafter.

I know I loved my grandmother at some point. But I don't remember that anymore. I am just angry at her for robbing me of a normal relationship with my mom. I know she did not do it on purpose. I get all that. But. I wish instead my mom would have placed her in a facility near us where we could interact with her without all the stress the caregiving introduced into our family.

Don't do this to yourself and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother took care of my grandmother, who had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, at home for about 12 years. The caregiving started when I was a teenager. There was nothing about the experience I would want to repeat. It was awful. My mother's life revolved around my grandmother's all-consuming care.

My mother ended up dying 18 months after her mother died. She thought she was gonna be free after the caregiving ended. But she was not. Instead she became a cancer patient and died quickly thereafter.

I know I loved my grandmother at some point. But I don't remember that anymore. I am just angry at her for robbing me of a normal relationship with my mom. I know she did not do it on purpose. I get all that. But. I wish instead my mom would have placed her in a facility near us where we could interact with her without all the stress the caregiving introduced into our family.

Don't do this to yourself and your kids.

Thank you for sharing this story. Women are sold this myth that endless sacrifice for your parents will reap rewards and teach your kids to do the same for you and you will be blessed. Nope. The truth is a lot of people deplete themselves to the point of serious illness, a lot die at a younger age than their own parent and it can be damaging to the families they created.

My dad grew up with crazy elderly grandma in the house. He resented it. As soon as he went off to college, he never came back and he hated his mother for always putting grandma first. He did not visit his mother when she was dying. His childhood is filled with bad memories and guilt trips. it is a gift to teach your kid healthy boundaries. You can love grandma, visit her and still take care of yourself and make your own family you created a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent didn’t live with us but we took kids to visit multiple times per week from preschool to middle school age. I think it taught them empathy and patience but I realize living with them full time might have been very different and much harder.

I think you need to clarify here. I can see how visiting a calm and loving grandparent would build this. Many of us saw our parents become combative, sexually inappropriate, verbally, emotionally and/or physically abusive and/or highly paranoid with Alzheimers. I certainly hope you are not thinking visiting a parent like this with young children teachers empathy.

OP I hope you have a therapy fund of the parent has the "challenging" type of Alzheimer's, both for you and for your kids and spouse. We didn't have said parent living with us, we decreased visits and stopped including kids as abuse increase, but it still caused a lot of damage.