Can we go a little easier on one another?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t we just answer people’s questions if we have helpful information, but don’t act like the arbiters of good parenting unless that type of advice is requested?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know guys, just seems like people are labeled as being helicopter parents too easily. I get it's a thing. Every kid is different, every family is different, no one knows really what someone's situation is. Can we lighten up if someone is asking pretty benign questions? Are they helicoptering if they reach out here anonymously, to learn from others? Is even being on DCUM itself helicoptering? I learn a lot from you guys even when it's a little rough, but man it's nicer when we're nice.

+1

Each kid has their unique gifts and challenges. Many skills a developmental and come at different ages for different people. Some kids need parental help with executive functions into early adulthood. Others are handling everything in Middle School.

IMO parents need to give each kid what they need. We have one kid who needed "helicopter parenting" through the end of HS and one who was able to handle everything themselves starting with freshman year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know guys, just seems like people are labeled as being helicopter parents too easily. I get it's a thing. Every kid is different, every family is different, no one knows really what someone's situation is. Can we lighten up if someone is asking pretty benign questions? Are they helicoptering if they reach out here anonymously, to learn from others? Is even being on DCUM itself helicoptering? I learn a lot from you guys even when it's a little rough, but man it's nicer when we're nice.

Thread title and OP set the tone usually. Currently on the first page are several threads where the tone is perfectly nice, lots of helpful replies, and there is actual conversation.

If someone seems to have good intentions but started off poorly, encourage the OP to start a new thread with a better title and clearer OP. Then OP posts link to new thread in old thread and "reports" the post with the lower right button asking Jeff to lock the old thread. He can see it is same OP and will do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an anonymous forum. There's a lot of racist comments that goes unchecked - even by fellow DCUMers.

Start there.

Do you report them?

Jeff is amazingly good about responding to inappropriate posts quickly, and he shows doing judgement in doing so.

Thank you Jeff!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is rife with trolls who stalk the recent posts and drop as many nasty comments as quickly as possible. Just report (little button lower right) instead of quote replying. The more people monitoring tone, the more productive conversation will be. (And let's see if I really am the first to reply to this, or if a troll beat me.)

Yup. I do that too. Glad I'm not alone! Would love to reclaim this from trolls and jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is rife with trolls who stalk the recent posts and drop as many nasty comments as quickly as possible. Just report (little button lower right) instead of quote replying. The more people monitoring tone, the more productive conversation will be. (And let's see if I really am the first to reply to this, or if a troll beat me.)

+1

+2
Reporting the trolls is key. I can't stand it when people respond and get into a back-and-forth with some dope who's clearly trying to get a rise out of regular posters. Do not respond - report.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was ready to agree with you, but I've seen people ask questions like "I called my DC's professor to demand an extension on an assignment because it conflicts with a long-planned family reunion. The professor has not replied yet. WWYD? Call dean or drive to school to request in-person meeting?"

Like in general I think we should be easier on each other, and I always think there is a calm way to disagree. However, some people are asking bad questions because they have poor boundaries, are unable to view their child as an adult or near-adult, and have serious control issues. I think it's okay to call that out.

Also, sometimes it's not a question of helicopter parenting. Like the recent thread on the DD who was left to fill out her applications and then didn't and the OP was livid and very angry with the DD. I didn't think that was great parenting either, sorry. I am okay with being respectful when I post, but I don't think it's my job to tell people who come here asking for feedback "you're doing great!" unless I really think that. One thing I like about DCUM is that people have more freedom to give unvarnished opinions, which can be hard to come by in person.

But yes, some people on these boards have no tact, use unnecessarily salty language, or are working out their own extensive issues on other posters. It's an unfortunate aspect of the site.

NP. I have been reading here for ten years and never seen anything like the bolded. I think you are making it up so you can continue to be mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been a reader of DCUM since looking for a pre-school and there is truth in all the posts on this thread. There are unprovoked attacks on fitness to be a parent, there are racist and elitist posts, there are trolls and sh*t stirrers, there are over the top helicopter parents and there are some where you don’t really know enough of the story to judge and honestly their decisions aren’t hurting or impacting anyone. I really believe that can be almost anyone on any given day. There usually are enough people with helpful advice and kindness that the few threads I’ve started have been useful the the end.

If this was posted specifically because of the disappointed parent, I will say this. Assuming it wasn’t a troll, reality is that in any situation there are people doing better, people in the same boat and people doing worse and you have to read the room and know people responding can have the perspective from any of those situations. Especially with something as personal and emotional as colleges - it can feel like it’s the equivalent of saying someone’s baby is ugly if in the course of talking about your child you put down what might be a dream school or where someone else kid attends or you inadvertently or on purpose take shots at their worthiness to get into the school your kid was deferred/rejected from. If you really want to vent, no holds barred, and don’t want to worry about a negative reaction I would say, tell your priest, your dog, or journal about it.

This, exactly.
NP

[Anonymous]

I think people here have a hard time discerning who is trying to get them fired up. There are a lot of teenagers messing around on this board. I’ve heard them talk about it.

Ignore the inflammatory stuff and this board is great. Let a kid’s messing around turn into a 5+ page thread and you’re contributing to the toxicity.

[Anonymous]

On this website and in the "College and University Discussion" area, all of the behaviors whose banning would lead to a better conversation -- threadjacking, flaming, sock puppets, political advocacy, link sharing, doxxing, and business promotion, for starters -- are tolerated. That makes for a wild ride that, honestly, keeps people engaged and coming back.

About the only thing you can't do here is type the name of a former president's youngest son.

[Anonymous]

A modest way to make these threads more useful would be for users of DCUM to start making and labeling as such three types of posts that are popular on Reddit's college threads and College Confidential: (1) the "Chanceme" post with anonymous but full admissions qualifications (not just "stats," which are meaningless) by way of asking what an applicant's chances are at being accepted to a particular school; (2) the "College Search and Selection" post that asks for suggestions about which schools to apply to based on what an applicant is looking for in a school; and (3) the "College Results" post that presents a truthful admissions profile followed by a list of the applicant's actual acceptances and rejections.

Btw, the fictitious posts where people pose as parents are the ones that gain traction the fastest, and in my opinion are the most fun. I hope those continue to pop up regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know guys, just seems like people are labeled as being helicopter parents too easily. I get it's a thing. Every kid is different, every family is different, no one knows really what someone's situation is. Can we lighten up if someone is asking pretty benign questions? Are they helicoptering if they reach out here anonymously, to learn from others? Is even being on DCUM itself helicoptering? I learn a lot from you guys even when it's a little rough, but man it's nicer when we're nice.

+1

Each kid has their unique gifts and challenges. Many skills a developmental and come at different ages for different people. Some kids need parental help with executive functions into early adulthood. Others are handling everything in Middle School.

IMO parents need to give each kid what they need. We have one kid who needed "helicopter parenting" through the end of HS and one who was able to handle everything themselves starting with freshman year.

+1 This is so well said PP. No two people are alike so parents can not parent each child in the same way. What may seem like "helicoptering" parenting to some may not to others and that should be respected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ready to agree with you, but I've seen people ask questions like "I called my DC's professor to demand an extension on an assignment because it conflicts with a long-planned family reunion. The professor has not replied yet. WWYD? Call dean or drive to school to request in-person meeting?"

Like in general I think we should be easier on each other, and I always think there is a calm way to disagree. However, some people are asking bad questions because they have poor boundaries, are unable to view their child as an adult or near-adult, and have serious control issues. I think it's okay to call that out.

Also, sometimes it's not a question of helicopter parenting. Like the recent thread on the DD who was left to fill out her applications and then didn't and the OP was livid and very angry with the DD. I didn't think that was great parenting either, sorry. I am okay with being respectful when I post, but I don't think it's my job to tell people who come here asking for feedback "you're doing great!" unless I really think that. One thing I like about DCUM is that people have more freedom to give unvarnished opinions, which can be hard to come by in person.

But yes, some people on these boards have no tact, use unnecessarily salty language, or are working out their own extensive issues on other posters. It's an unfortunate aspect of the site.

No one has asked a question like that and the ones that do indicate ignorance or lack of boundaries are few and far between. We are talking if the normal question by a troubled parent and everyone jumps on the scold the parent claiming “entitlement!” “Racist” “Obviously you,OP, have never heard of X” /and the gotcha statements based upon a sentence fragment that the reader wants to call out to make themselves feel better or more superior. There’s a lot if mentally unstable posters here. They used to leave Sprcial Needs and the college subforum alone so we could help one another. Now, if you post your child’s stats and bewilderment over lack of acceptances -as a parent did this moment -they are immediately called out for “entitlement”. I read and post to hell with facts but I don’t want to read these posts that try to ridicule the OP . Maybe it is time to leave

This thread is ironically very timely. I used to be on this board obsessively years ago when my first dc was going through the college process. Then I took a 4 year "break" from DCUM and it was REALLY NICE. I'm back now bc my last dc is going through this process, because I DO learn some stuff from here. But, I was thinking just the other day that I can't wait for dc to hear back and decide on a school so I can just be DONE with DCUM. So many judgmental posters and toxic trolls that you have to weed out to get some information.

+1
Just want to stress that if you read enough on these threads you develop a way to weed out the helpful information from the muck and then this site is EXTREMELY helpful in learning about and navigating the college app process. My frustration with posters are the ones who do not put in the time to do that, post something that shows their lack of self-education and research and then get upset when people react accordingly. It is quite simple really - do your due diligence; do your homework. Show you put in the time and then ask your question or vent your vent. If instead you post something that shows you didn't then I do think it is understandable when others "attack".

So, do your “due diligence” elsewhere first or it’s ok to “attack”? What’s wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Don’t focus on “tone” of the message. Focus on the message itself. So many women can’t get over the tone and never get the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t focus on “tone” of the message. Focus on the message itself. So many women can’t get over the tone and never get the message.

Women??