Can we go a little easier on one another?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM is rife with trolls who stalk the recent posts and drop as many nasty comments as quickly as possible. Just report (little button lower right) instead of quote replying. The more people monitoring tone, the more productive conversation will be. (And let's see if I really am the first to reply to this, or if a troll beat me.)

so helpful - had not really grasped what the "report" button was for.

[Anonymous]

It's an anonymous forum. There's a lot of racist comments that goes unchecked - even by fellow DCUMers.

Start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The worst posts are the weekly or almost weekly posts about the same schools, over and over and over and over again.

Those posts are presented as "questions" - but all they really are, are trolling with marginal (at best) plausible deniability, attempting to feign ignorance. SSDD.

Same tone, same one or two writers who play off each other and encourage more drama. I would feel bad for them, if it were not so obvious. The chip on their shoulder weighs heavily.

It really dilutes any helpfulness DCUM may otherwise have on the College threads, unfortunately - but those one or two posters don't seem to care, as long as they get their manic depressive, OCD jollies.

This is so true. It makes me wonder how much of DCUM are trolls who have nothing better to do with their time and get a kick out of stirring up frenzy with their comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The worst posts are the weekly or almost weekly posts about the same schools, over and over and over and over again.

Those posts are presented as "questions" - but all they really are, are trolling with marginal (at best) plausible deniability, attempting to feign ignorance. SSDD.

Same tone, same one or two writers who play off each other and encourage more drama. I would feel bad for them, if it were not so obvious. The chip on their shoulder weighs heavily.

It really dilutes any helpfulness DCUM may otherwise have on the College threads, unfortunately - but those one or two posters don't seem to care, as long as they get their manic depressive, OCD jollies.

This is so true. It makes me wonder how much of DCUM are trolls who have nothing better to do with their time and get a kick out of stirring up frenzy with their comments.

+1

You don't know the start of it - it is really a bad situation - but for them to come here and lash out takes the cake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Look, for example at todays new thread “Our current situation -not thrilled” wherein OP is not happy with where her kid d us getting in and wants to talk and get advice and almost all posters start dumping on her with the “you are entitled” poster popping in at about ten comments in. Comments like that help no one. No one

The problem with posts like that one is they are borderline stupid enough that it is hard to decide if it was a sincere post from a parent who worded things badly, or a troll trying for their daily "stir things up" entertainment. For people who have been on DCUM for a while, there are certain styles of posts that just reek of a troll. In that thread there was enough information about stats that the poster has been on DCUM for a while and knows the style of posting about schools, but the mix up of the gender of the kid and incorrect list of schools applied to for those stats makes it seem very unlikely to be a real post. There are also people who respond to posts like that with unpleasant tones precisely because it may be a troll post and they want to add to the feeding frenzy.

A couple of strategies for those types of threads:
- ignore completely
- state that you think it's a troll and why, but in case not, give a brief, helpful reply (useful at least to others reading)
- use report button on individual, extra nasty replies (name calling, dog whistles, etc.)
- report the whole thread and ask it to be locked because it is way off topic and serves no purpose

However, sometimes it is useful to let a stupid thread run because there will be 3 or 4 posters going back and forth at each other in the thread, and that keeps them occupied and their need for attention satisfied for the day, and they are less likely to go into other threads or start new ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t we just answer people’s questions if we have helpful information, but don’t act like the arbiters of good parenting unless that type of advice is requested?

This. A 1000x this.

So many posters have no useful information to contribute so they resort to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Look, for example at todays new thread “Our current situation -not thrilled” wherein OP is not happy with where her kid d us getting in and wants to talk and get advice and almost all posters start dumping on her with the “you are entitled” poster popping in at about ten comments in. Comments like that help no one. No one

The problem with posts like that one is they are borderline stupid enough that it is hard to decide if it was a sincere post from a parent who worded things badly, or a troll trying for their daily "stir things up" entertainment. For people who have been on DCUM for a while, there are certain styles of posts that just reek of a troll. In that thread there was enough information about stats that the poster has been on DCUM for a while and knows the style of posting about schools, but the mix up of the gender of the kid and incorrect list of schools applied to for those stats makes it seem very unlikely to be a real post. There are also people who respond to posts like that with unpleasant tones precisely because it may be a troll post and they want to add to the feeding frenzy.

A couple of strategies for those types of threads:
- ignore completely
- state that you think it's a troll and why, but in case not, give a brief, helpful reply (useful at least to others reading)
- use report button on individual, extra nasty replies (name calling, dog whistles, etc.)
- report the whole thread and ask it to be locked because it is way off topic and serves no purpose

However, sometimes it is useful to let a stupid thread run because there will be 3 or 4 posters going back and forth at each other in the thread, and that keeps them occupied and their need for attention satisfied for the day, and they are less likely to go into other threads or start new ones.

+1

I have also noticed this.

[Anonymous]

After 2 pages of responses, the thread typically goes downhill and often, off topic. For sport, I sometimes try to pinpoint the specific post that made the thread go off the rails. OTOH, every once in awhile people show kindness toward the OP and I do appreciate their efforts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ready to agree with you, but I've seen people ask questions like "I called my DC's professor to demand an extension on an assignment because it conflicts with a long-planned family reunion. The professor has not replied yet. WWYD? Call dean or drive to school to request in-person meeting?"

Like in general I think we should be easier on each other, and I always think there is a calm way to disagree. However, some people are asking bad questions because they have poor boundaries, are unable to view their child as an adult or near-adult, and have serious control issues. I think it's okay to call that out.

Also, sometimes it's not a question of helicopter parenting. Like the recent thread on the DD who was left to fill out her applications and then didn't and the OP was livid and very angry with the DD. I didn't think that was great parenting either, sorry. I am okay with being respectful when I post, but I don't think it's my job to tell people who come here asking for feedback "you're doing great!" unless I really think that. One thing I like about DCUM is that people have more freedom to give unvarnished opinions, which can be hard to come by in person.

But yes, some people on these boards have no tact, use unnecessarily salty language, or are working out their own extensive issues on other posters. It's an unfortunate aspect of the site.

No one has asked a question like that and the ones that do indicate ignorance or lack of boundaries are few and far between. We are talking if the normal question by a troubled parent and everyone jumps on the scold the parent claiming “entitlement!” “Racist” “Obviously you,OP, have never heard of X” /and the gotcha statements based upon a sentence fragment that the reader wants to call out to make themselves feel better or more superior. There’s a lot if mentally unstable posters here. They used to leave Sprcial Needs and the college subforum alone so we could help one another. Now, if you post your child’s stats and bewilderment over lack of acceptances -as a parent did this moment -they are immediately called out for “entitlement”. I read and post to hell with facts but I don’t want to read these posts that try to ridicule the OP . Maybe it is time to leave

This thread is ironically very timely. I used to be on this board obsessively years ago when my first dc was going through the college process. Then I took a 4 year "break" from DCUM and it was REALLY NICE. I'm back now bc my last dc is going through this process, because I DO learn some stuff from here. But, I was thinking just the other day that I can't wait for dc to hear back and decide on a school so I can just be DONE with DCUM. So many judgmental posters and toxic trolls that you have to weed out to get some information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ready to agree with you, but I've seen people ask questions like "I called my DC's professor to demand an extension on an assignment because it conflicts with a long-planned family reunion. The professor has not replied yet. WWYD? Call dean or drive to school to request in-person meeting?"

Like in general I think we should be easier on each other, and I always think there is a calm way to disagree. However, some people are asking bad questions because they have poor boundaries, are unable to view their child as an adult or near-adult, and have serious control issues. I think it's okay to call that out.

Also, sometimes it's not a question of helicopter parenting. Like the recent thread on the DD who was left to fill out her applications and then didn't and the OP was livid and very angry with the DD. I didn't think that was great parenting either, sorry. I am okay with being respectful when I post, but I don't think it's my job to tell people who come here asking for feedback "you're doing great!" unless I really think that. One thing I like about DCUM is that people have more freedom to give unvarnished opinions, which can be hard to come by in person.

But yes, some people on these boards have no tact, use unnecessarily salty language, or are working out their own extensive issues on other posters. It's an unfortunate aspect of the site.

No one has asked a question like that and the ones that do indicate ignorance or lack of boundaries are few and far between. We are talking if the normal question by a troubled parent and everyone jumps on the scold the parent claiming “entitlement!” “Racist” “Obviously you,OP, have never heard of X” /and the gotcha statements based upon a sentence fragment that the reader wants to call out to make themselves feel better or more superior. There’s a lot if mentally unstable posters here. They used to leave Sprcial Needs and the college subforum alone so we could help one another. Now, if you post your child’s stats and bewilderment over lack of acceptances -as a parent did this moment -they are immediately called out for “entitlement”. I read and post to hell with facts but I don’t want to read these posts that try to ridicule the OP . Maybe it is time to leave

This thread is ironically very timely. I used to be on this board obsessively years ago when my first dc was going through the college process. Then I took a 4 year "break" from DCUM and it was REALLY NICE. I'm back now bc my last dc is going through this process, because I DO learn some stuff from here. But, I was thinking just the other day that I can't wait for dc to hear back and decide on a school so I can just be DONE with DCUM. So many judgmental posters and toxic trolls that you have to weed out to get some information.

+1
Just want to stress that if you read enough on these threads you develop a way to weed out the helpful information from the muck and then this site is EXTREMELY helpful in learning about and navigating the college app process. My frustration with posters are the ones who do not put in the time to do that, post something that shows their lack of self-education and research and then get upset when people react accordingly. It is quite simple really - do your due diligence; do your homework. Show you put in the time and then ask your question or vent your vent. If instead you post something that shows you didn't then I do think it is understandable when others "attack".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ready to agree with you, but I've seen people ask questions like "I called my DC's professor to demand an extension on an assignment because it conflicts with a long-planned family reunion. The professor has not replied yet. WWYD? Call dean or drive to school to request in-person meeting?"

Like in general I think we should be easier on each other, and I always think there is a calm way to disagree. However, some people are asking bad questions because they have poor boundaries, are unable to view their child as an adult or near-adult, and have serious control issues. I think it's okay to call that out.

Also, sometimes it's not a question of helicopter parenting. Like the recent thread on the DD who was left to fill out her applications and then didn't and the OP was livid and very angry with the DD. I didn't think that was great parenting either, sorry. I am okay with being respectful when I post, but I don't think it's my job to tell people who come here asking for feedback "you're doing great!" unless I really think that. One thing I like about DCUM is that people have more freedom to give unvarnished opinions, which can be hard to come by in person.

But yes, some people on these boards have no tact, use unnecessarily salty language, or are working out their own extensive issues on other posters. It's an unfortunate aspect of the site.

No one has asked a question like that and the ones that do indicate ignorance or lack of boundaries are few and far between. We are talking if the normal question by a troubled parent and everyone jumps on the scold the parent claiming “entitlement!” “Racist” “Obviously you,OP, have never heard of X” /and the gotcha statements based upon a sentence fragment that the reader wants to call out to make themselves feel better or more superior. There’s a lot if mentally unstable posters here. They used to leave Sprcial Needs and the college subforum alone so we could help one another. Now, if you post your child’s stats and bewilderment over lack of acceptances -as a parent did this moment -they are immediately called out for “entitlement”. I read and post to hell with facts but I don’t want to read these posts that try to ridicule the OP . Maybe it is time to leave

This thread is ironically very timely. I used to be on this board obsessively years ago when my first dc was going through the college process. Then I took a 4 year "break" from DCUM and it was REALLY NICE. I'm back now bc my last dc is going through this process, because I DO learn some stuff from here. But, I was thinking just the other day that I can't wait for dc to hear back and decide on a school so I can just be DONE with DCUM. So many judgmental posters and toxic trolls that you have to weed out to get some information.

+1
Just want to stress that if you read enough on these threads you develop a way to weed out the helpful information from the muck and then this site is EXTREMELY helpful in learning about and navigating the college app process. My frustration with posters are the ones who do not put in the time to do that, post something that shows their lack of self-education and research and then get upset when people react accordingly. It is quite simple really - do your due diligence; do your homework. Show you put in the time and then ask your question or vent your vent. If instead you post something that shows you didn't then I do think it is understandable when others "attack".

No. You must be part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Look, for example at todays new thread “Our current situation -not thrilled” wherein OP is not happy with where her kid d us getting in and wants to talk and get advice and almost all posters start dumping on her with the “you are entitled” poster popping in at about ten comments in. Comments like that help no one. No one

This one bothered me too-- her DS is obviously and outstanding student and I think it's perfectly natural to feel frustrated and worried about college admissions. We have a family member whose DD is just amazing in every respect and didn't get into any of her choices- I was upset on her behalf because she worked and worked all four years of HS. It happens and maybe there are rational explanations, but it's still hard on the parents and kids.

[Anonymous]

OP the college and university forum is one of the worst for attracting repeat trolls, the UVA booster / haters, the "hot chicks" guy, it's endless.

I report people if they are unhelpful and rude, especially if its early on in a thread because all the sheep trolls follow their lead if it's left up. Jeff is very good about cleaning these threads up quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Look, for example at todays new thread “Our current situation -not thrilled” wherein OP is not happy with where her kid d us getting in and wants to talk and get advice and almost all posters start dumping on her with the “you are entitled” poster popping in at about ten comments in. Comments like that help no one. No one

This one bothered me too-- her DS is obviously and outstanding student and I think it's perfectly natural to feel frustrated and worried about college admissions. We have a family member whose DD is just amazing in every respect and didn't get into any of her choices- I was upset on her behalf because she worked and worked all four years of HS. It happens and maybe there are rational explanations, but it's still hard on the parents and kids.

+1

I know several situations like this, especially after covid. The troll posters want everyone to be in the same boat that they (the troll posters) are in. It is quite gross, for adult behavior.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been a reader of DCUM since looking for a pre-school and there is truth in all the posts on this thread. There are unprovoked attacks on fitness to be a parent, there are racist and elitist posts, there are trolls and sh*t stirrers, there are over the top helicopter parents and there are some where you don’t really know enough of the story to judge and honestly their decisions aren’t hurting or impacting anyone. I really believe that can be almost anyone on any given day. There usually are enough people with helpful advice and kindness that the few threads I’ve started have been useful the the end.

If this was posted specifically because of the disappointed parent, I will say this. Assuming it wasn’t a troll, reality is that in any situation there are people doing better, people in the same boat and people doing worse and you have to read the room and know people responding can have the perspective from any of those situations. Especially with something as personal and emotional as colleges - it can feel like it’s the equivalent of saying someone’s baby is ugly if in the course of talking about your child you put down what might be a dream school or where someone else kid attends or you inadvertently or on purpose take shots at their worthiness to get into the school your kid was deferred/rejected from. If you really want to vent, no holds barred, and don’t want to worry about a negative reaction I would say, tell your priest, your dog, or journal about it.