Would you be angry if your DC’s roommate was constantly absent without explanation?

[Anonymous]

My DS and his freshman roommate have nothing in common. They coexist but have completely different lives. He won’t live with him again, they don’t share, barely talk, but nothing is wrong. This is par for the course. The risk you take in college or ever living with folks you don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of all the roommates problems, this is not even on the scale.

+2 My DD’s roommate would lounge fully nude on her bed (on top, not under the blankets). Read a book, be on her phone - naked. My DD was so uncomfortable. She would have been ecstatic of her roommate was gone from dawn until dusk!

[Anonymous]

This sounds ideal.

I’m remembering my dorm days and my roommate didn’t show up so I had a single for the fall semester. I was so happy. Someone moved in for the spring semester but I was hopeful I could keep it all year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In college, I spent basically all my free-time traveling (via walking long distances, cycling, buses, trains, but never flying) and eventually monetized that hobby. Grew up in a very rural area and was so excited to be in a city for college. Maybe your child’s roommate is up to something similar?

Nah, they are getting laid.

[Anonymous]

DCs freshman roommate was almost never in the room. They had little in common (so much for the usefulness of the matching process) so DC didn’t care and in fact liked having the space.

The roommate moved out unexpectedly before then start of second semester. DC found out later that it was due to a disciplinary action concerning an alleged sexual assault. So a blessing in disguise that the kid had never been around.

[Anonymous]

This is such an odd post. Why are you crowd sourcing what people should be feeling about this situation that isn’t even happening to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine would have been thrilled. Instead, she had the roommate who tried to lock her out of the room when her bf came. Thank your lucky stars OP!

This, above. OP, it is MUCH worse if a roommate is bringing people back to the room for sex like a friend's freshman roommate did. In fact, sex or no sex, having a roommate who hogs the room all the time is worse than having one who isn't around except to sleep.

I think you had a notion that a roommate would be at least a buddy if not a real friend for your DC, but what did your DC want and expect? Is this DC who is upset, or is it really just you?

I hope your DC is getting out there, joining clubs and organizations, volunteering on campus about something that matters to DC, doing things based on interest and not just on proximity. That is how you make real and lasting friends at college. Not by expecting roommates (even ones you selected who looked perfect for you, on social media etc.) to provide social outlets.

[Anonymous]

You’re kidding, right? A single for the price of a double? Awesome.

Oh, and the roommate owes your kid (well, your adult) nothing, nada, zero, zip “socially.”

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that your DC's roommate isn't interested/able to be around more. I think it's totally reasonable to hope that there will be a connection. Hope your DC has found other people to connect with and is settling in well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry that your DC's roommate isn't interested/able to be around more. I think it's totally reasonable to hope that there will be a connection. Hope your DC has found other people to connect with and is settling in well.

This is probably the issue. If OP’s kid had made friends and was engaged socially, she wouldn’t really care whether the roommate was around or not. She’s mad because her kid hasn’t made friends and is socially isolated, and OP incorrectly assumed a roommate would be a guaranteed friend that would pull her kid into a broader social group.

[Anonymous]

My DC barely spoke to his freshman roommate. But freshman year ends and you can live with the people you choose.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids had a roommate like that. It was 2020-21, so the Covid year. No club meetings, no parties, basically the only opportunity for a social life was to hang out with your roommate, and my kid's roommate was never there. He was a "local' so even though he had a bed in the dorm he spent all his time at his family's house.

It was disappointing, as my son had wanted a roommate to hang out with, but we were not "angry." Like others have said, it could have been worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first-year DC’s roommate, has, since the beginning of the school year, been constantly absent for days or weeks at a time. Mostly sleeps in bed each night but is gone from sunrise to late night most of the time. Really disappointing socially. What would your child do?

She will get a new roommate next year. The upside to this is that they won’t get on each other’s nerves. They probably just aren’t meant to be friends. You never know what’s going on with that other girl..

[Anonymous]

I always preferred to live with a non-friend. It can be too much to socialize and live with the same person. And if the friendship goes south, it can be disastrous. You can't even go home to escape the fight.

If I lived with someone who wasn't a good friend, we'd be friendly but it was a much less loaded relationship. I liked having that separation.

[Anonymous]

Which is it: "Gone for days/weeks at a time" or "up early/home late"? Either way, not really anyone's business. My guess is: romantic partner/friends from high school/job and full class load. My child's school also required some scholarship kids to live on campus--there were kids who technically lived on campus but who went home most days or hung out in a friend's off-campus house.
Nothing to be angry/disappointed about--few random roommate pairs become close friends.