Parents paying for school

[Anonymous]

We were in a similar situation. We agreed that since we could afford it if we needed to, we would let the grandparents pay and if they ever stepped over the line in terms of strings, we would tell them to stop paying. So far all the GPs have wanted is a few thank you and to be invited to grandparents day.

It would have been more complicated if we couldn’t afford it, because we wouldn’t have been beholden if they DID try to use it as leverage.

[Anonymous]

would have, sorry…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it’s part of an estate tax avoidance thing it’s a pretty big benefit. They pay the school directly. I agree people should be wary of parents using money as leverage, but as long as you can take over the payments whenever you want, there’s not much leverage. It’s when you couldn’t otherwise afford it that it gets sticky.

This. What actual control is DH afraid your parents have? He's afraid MIL will say mean things and is willing to pay $20K/ year (or whatever two private school tuitions cost) to try to avoid hearing mean things? That seems super....sensitive. Also, if MIL is the type to hold things over someone's head she'll find a way to do that with other smaller things regardless of whether they accept the tuition money. It reflects more on her than anyone else.

[Anonymous]

FYI tuition paid directly to the school is not subject to gift tax restrictions or paperwork. It doesn’t even count toward the per person gift amount that year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s part of an estate tax avoidance thing it’s a pretty big benefit. They pay the school directly. I agree people should be wary of parents using money as leverage, but as long as you can take over the payments whenever you want, there’s not much leverage. It’s when you couldn’t otherwise afford it that it gets sticky.

This. What actual control is DH afraid your parents have? He's afraid MIL will say mean things and is willing to pay $20K/ year (or whatever two private school tuitions cost) to try to avoid hearing mean things? That seems super....sensitive. Also, if MIL is the type to hold things over someone's head she'll find a way to do that with other smaller things regardless of whether they accept the tuition money. It reflects more on her than anyone else.

Not the poster you are responding to, but unless you have experienced controlling parents who give gifts with strings, it is hard for you to understand just how stabby they can be if they don't think you are grateful enough for the 42nd time.

[Anonymous]

I believe Grandparents can pay tuition directly to the school and not even have to worry about the gift tax BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents offered to pay for private school for my kids. They are now 2 and 4.

It is an incredibly kind offer. But, we can afford private school. We have saved for it, and have enough HHI. My husband feels weird about taking them up on this offer, and worries that in the future it will create tension or a strange power dynamic for them to be paying for something specific. Especially knowing my Mother has a tendency to hold things over our heads... ex... well I got you this so you should use it like this. I hear that... But, I can deal with her. And this is a generous gift that would allow us to put more money elsewhere.

I also know the reason that they offered is because my brother can not afford private school, however, my parents want their grandkids to be able to go to private school and they wanted it to be fair, so they extended the offer to our family. Also, it would not impact my parents finnances greatly to be paying for private school for multiple kids.

My husband wants to deny the offer. I don't think that is his place to say if it is coming from my parents. He said he would consider it if it was a check and not a specific payment, but I think this is his own insecurity and pride. This is becoming a huge disagreement. I am trying to at least understand his persepctive, but, I am having a lot of trouble with that.

Thoughts?

Wow. Your husband doesn’t want to accept direct tuition payment but would accept a check??

Basically he will take the money to benefit and enrich himself, but not for his kids tuition?

It doesn’t work as well to take the money directly because your parents can pay the tuition directly without incurring gift tax of lifetime exemption consequences. If they cut you guys a check, after 15k per person per year there are tax consequences.

If you say no, you have to be ok with your sibling effectively inheriting more.

Your husband sucks. I’m very suscopcious of his motives here.

They can afford private school on their own and don't need the private school money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s part of an estate tax avoidance thing it’s a pretty big benefit. They pay the school directly. I agree people should be wary of parents using money as leverage, but as long as you can take over the payments whenever you want, there’s not much leverage. It’s when you couldn’t otherwise afford it that it gets sticky.

This. What actual control is DH afraid your parents have? He's afraid MIL will say mean things and is willing to pay $20K/ year (or whatever two private school tuitions cost) to try to avoid hearing mean things? That seems super....sensitive. Also, if MIL is the type to hold things over someone's head she'll find a way to do that with other smaller things regardless of whether they accept the tuition money. It reflects more on her than anyone else.

Not the poster you are responding to, but unless you have experienced controlling parents who give gifts with strings, it is hard for you to understand just how stabby they can be if they don't think you are grateful enough for the 42nd time.

This is so true. My mom has always been super controlling. She offered to pay for one tuition for her favorite grandkid... I have two kids. I briefly entertained the idea then she put some stupid restriction on it in addition. So I said nevermind and the strings magically disappeared but we can't afford to pay for the other kid so that's that.

[Anonymous]

They are sewing the seeds of estrangement and possibly litigation and endless stress if they don't do things fairly. It's a truly terrible legacy to leave. It's wills 101-always best to to treat everyone equally if you want there to be any hope of civility, let alone relationships between siblings. It's really really awful and gross when parents inadvertently play favorites even if it's in the name of promoting education for the next generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are sewing the seeds of estrangement and possibly litigation and endless stress if they don't do things fairly. It's a truly terrible legacy to leave. It's wills 101-always best to to treat everyone equally if you want there to be any hope of civility, let alone relationships between siblings. It's really really awful and gross when parents inadvertently play favorites even if it's in the name of promoting education for the next generation.

Oops wrong thread. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents offered to pay for private school for my kids. They are now 2 and 4.

It is an incredibly kind offer. But, we can afford private school. We have saved for it, and have enough HHI. My husband feels weird about taking them up on this offer, and worries that in the future it will create tension or a strange power dynamic for them to be paying for something specific. Especially knowing my Mother has a tendency to hold things over our heads... ex... well I got you this so you should use it like this. I hear that... But, I can deal with her. And this is a generous gift that would allow us to put more money elsewhere.

I also know the reason that they offered is because my brother can not afford private school, however, my parents want their grandkids to be able to go to private school and they wanted it to be fair, so they extended the offer to our family. Also, it would not impact my parents finnances greatly to be paying for private school for multiple kids.

My husband wants to deny the offer. I don't think that is his place to say if it is coming from my parents. He said he would consider it if it was a check and not a specific payment, but I think this is his own insecurity and pride. This is becoming a huge disagreement. I am trying to at least understand his persepctive, but, I am having a lot of trouble with that.

Thoughts?

The bolded is weird to me. I would think it is easier if the money was spent on something specific, especially that is aligned with their goal of getting all the grandkids to go private, because it reduces their ability to be like “What did you do with the money I gave you? Waste it?” The only thing even more airtight would be a 529 because while not everyone needs private school, everyone (well, most everyone) does need college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents offered to pay for private school for my kids. They are now 2 and 4.

It is an incredibly kind offer. But, we can afford private school. We have saved for it, and have enough HHI. My husband feels weird about taking them up on this offer, and worries that in the future it will create tension or a strange power dynamic for them to be paying for something specific. Especially knowing my Mother has a tendency to hold things over our heads... ex... well I got you this so you should use it like this. I hear that... But, I can deal with her. And this is a generous gift that would allow us to put more money elsewhere.

I also know the reason that they offered is because my brother can not afford private school, however, my parents want their grandkids to be able to go to private school and they wanted it to be fair, so they extended the offer to our family. Also, it would not impact my parents finnances greatly to be paying for private school for multiple kids.

My husband wants to deny the offer. I don't think that is his place to say if it is coming from my parents. He said he would consider it if it was a check and not a specific payment, but I think this is his own insecurity and pride. This is becoming a huge disagreement. I am trying to at least understand his persepctive, but, I am having a lot of trouble with that.

Thoughts?

Wow. Your husband doesn’t want to accept direct tuition payment but would accept a check??

Basically he will take the money to benefit and enrich himself, but not for his kids tuition?

It doesn’t work as well to take the money directly because your parents can pay the tuition directly without incurring gift tax of lifetime exemption consequences. If they cut you guys a check, after 15k per person per year there are tax consequences.

If you say no, you have to be ok with your sibling effectively inheriting more.

Your husband sucks. I’m very suscopcious of his motives here.

They can afford private school on their own and don't need the private school money.

But they’ll be back in 15-20 years whining about how their parents are paid the expenses of the sibling while they were alive and the will *still* split everything 50/50 (or whatever).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents offered to pay for private school for my kids. They are now 2 and 4.

It is an incredibly kind offer. But, we can afford private school. We have saved for it, and have enough HHI. My husband feels weird about taking them up on this offer, and worries that in the future it will create tension or a strange power dynamic for them to be paying for something specific. Especially knowing my Mother has a tendency to hold things over our heads... ex... well I got you this so you should use it like this. I hear that... But, I can deal with her. And this is a generous gift that would allow us to put more money elsewhere.

I also know the reason that they offered is because my brother can not afford private school, however, my parents want their grandkids to be able to go to private school and they wanted it to be fair, so they extended the offer to our family. Also, it would not impact my parents finnances greatly to be paying for private school for multiple kids.

My husband wants to deny the offer. I don't think that is his place to say if it is coming from my parents. He said he would consider it if it was a check and not a specific payment, but I think this is his own insecurity and pride. This is becoming a huge disagreement. I am trying to at least understand his persepctive, but, I am having a lot of trouble with that.

Thoughts?

You husband is right. Adults should not have children unless they can afford them. You say that you can afford private school and your DH wishes to be an adult and pay for his children. Let him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were in a similar situation. We agreed that since we could afford it if we needed to, we would let the grandparents pay and if they ever stepped over the line in terms of strings, we would tell them to stop paying. So far all the GPs have wanted is a few thank you and to be invited to grandparents day.

It would have been more complicated if we couldn’t afford it, because we wouldn’t have been beholden if they DID try to use it as leverage.

OP had written that her DH would be more amenable to a check. Maybe based on where they live they are fine with public school? If OP kids are 2 and 4 perhaps the DH was considering tax benefits on the couples joint return. Or the fact that his children are more less in custodial care as opposed to a school. Preschool tuition paid directly to the school by grandparents or custodial care-daycare? https://www.cnbc.com/2017/03/23/grandma-to-the-rescue-the-tax-smart-way-to-cover-preschool.html
https://www.investopedia.com/taxes/taxadvantaged-ways-pay-preschool/

[Anonymous]

My ILs pay for private school. They have used money (in the past) as a way to push us to do things they want - pay for vacations, down payment on a house, etc. You are correct that you do feel some sense of obligation even if they aren’t jerks about it.

That being said, if you are in the DC area, private schools tuition for independent schools is $40-52K and increases each year by 3-6% or so. So by declining tuition aid from pre-K-12, it’s a more than $1M gift from your parents.

I actually think that it is your parents, it’s your job to set boundaries, and you should have a primary voice on accepting this gift. However, that also means that you need to be able to step in and set boundaries if you do.

No one here would tell you to mix your inheritance with marital assets, because those are funds your parents intend for you. This is a gift your parents are giving to you, as well. Certainly your husband has an equal voice in deciding where your kids go to school, but he shouldn’t really have a voice in declining this significant gift - if nothing else it will provide your children with additional inheritance from the two of you.