Parents paying for school

[Anonymous]

They are doing something complicated here. They should either insist on paying for all grandkids strings-free or none. Otherwise it is unfair and can create resentment even if you think it's no big deal. Wait until pay up time comes. You didn't accept the gift with strings and your brother is too busy to do any elder-help stuff. Oh the resentment will brew. Mom forgets she paid for his kids to get schools and she still guilt trips you and expects you to be at her beckon call.

[Anonymous]

Just posted, but wanted to add your husband has a say too because he will deal with the fallout if they feel like you owe them. He will hear you venting and also deal with the snide comments.

On the other hand you may think you can deal with the strings, but as they age they may become more entitled and those strings can choke you.

Your parents are doing something really foolish even if you decline they are basically punishing you for doing better financially and they are not being equal and fair. Get the strings out on the table and see if your husband agrees to them. They really should pay for everyone and insist on it. This whole asking you thing is nutty and I would turn it on them and find out those strings.How will your husband feel if she pays for your brother's kids and there were never any strings?

So many families with wealth need a lesson in decent human behavior 101. You need to be fair with your children or you sew the seeds of discord. People and relationships matter more than money.

[Anonymous]

Are you positive they will even go to private school? They are so young. I was positive mine would at those ages too. Then life happened, we moved and they ended up transferring to a public.

[Anonymous]

I would love my wealthy in-laws to offer it (they never would.) But we can’t afford it on our own. I could get over any comments from them about it.

[Anonymous]

“ My husband wants to deny the offer. I don't think that is his place to say if it is coming from my parents.”

Your DH does have a say. This is his family, his children. You need to work together to find a mutually satisfactory arrangement.

Team Grandparents-Pay. But you need to figure out how to make it work for everyone. Two kids in private is ~16 years of dealing with each other. Invest the time now.

[Anonymous]

Your husband absolutely has a say in things that will impact the children.

This is a marital decision and one you both need to agree.

It's not a good sign for the future of your relationship that your stance is he shouldn't have a say.

The fact that your mom tends to hold things over your head should be a no.
Money hasn't even changed hands and it's already causing relationship issues.

[Anonymous]

Your husband should get veto power over taking this money. He knows your parents will use this as a manipulation tool. Listen to him. You don’t even need this money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The restriction on the gift limit is per person per recipient. In other words, each grandparent can write a check for up to $15,000 for each member of the family. That means that grandma can write one check for 15,000 to mom and one 15,000 check to dad and grandpa can write one $15,000 check to mom and one $15,000 check to dad. As well as each of the kids. It would have to be multiple checks to avoid the inheritance.

....

2022 was $16k per donor per donee. Joint from 2 spouses to 1 donee maxed ar $32k. 2023 is 17k or 34k. 2025 goes down to 14k so it will be 28k, the 2017 level. The tuition and medical get paid directly to the institution or service provider. Why would the DH force people to have to file extra forms with the IRS? That is just annoying and terrible.

If elderly parents and grandparents are willing to disperse assets pre death it's to the benefit of the adult chilldren-GC to allow the direct payment. Why burden the parents with gift tax forms? For gifts after 2024 the lifetime max goes back to less than 6m. There is portability for unused portions to a surving spouse.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if there's enough wealth between you and your parents to fund 4 private school educations then why not start a scholarship fund? At least the tax avoidance angle might actually help someone that needs it.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps DH understands how lame it is to live off of your parents.

[Anonymous]

Have your parents fund a 529 plan instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your parents fund a 529 plan instead.

This. Simple. They contribute to a 529. One which, I hope, you already have set up and to which you are also already contributing, OP.

And OP, when you say you feel your DH doesn't have a say -- wow. Do you feel that way about other aspects of your marriage? Of course he has a say; these are as much his children as yours, and if YOU are aware, as you seem to be, that your mom will hold this over your heads, then DH is aware of that too, and does not want his in-laws holding their financial gift over the whole family's head for years and years and beyond.They will always remind you all how much they are doing/did for your kids. Even your children will end up with this damaging the relationship eventually if -- more likely, when -- your mother reminds them how she paid for their educations and holds it over them.

You can afford this yourselves yet you'd let it come between you and your DH? How strange. Say no to private school tuition, and say only, "If you would like to help educationally, feel free to contribute to the 529 college plan we already have set up."

You need to re-examine why you believe that only one spouse, you, gets to make such a gigantic decision for yourself, your DH and your kids. A decision that affects all of you--and only you get a say? That's a bigger marital issue and one you need to work out, regardless of this money offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love my wealthy in-laws to offer it (they never would.) But we can’t afford it on our own. I could get over any comments from them about it.

Have you experienced it? It's not just a snide comment here or there. It's pulled out at the worst times. "I paid x amount for private school and you only visit me once in the hospital?" "I paid this amount for private school and you can't be bothered to help me do x, y and z?" "I paid this much for private school and you want to put me in an assisted living facility?" You are at a family gathering and she spouts "We paid this amount to put BOTH her kids through private school and she had the nerve to complain when I gave her a little parenting advice/asked her to fly down and help us with Y/fill in the blank." And there are the so and sos...."So and so didn't pay for her grandchildren to go to private school yet they visit ALL.THE.Time" or "So and So paid for private school and her grandchildren write weekly thank you notes, and do daily FaceTimes and visit every month!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have your parents fund a 529 plan instead.

This. Simple. They contribute to a 529. One which, I hope, you already have set up and to which you are also already contributing, OP.

And OP, when you say you feel your DH doesn't have a say -- wow. Do you feel that way about other aspects of your marriage? Of course he has a say; these are as much his children as yours, and if YOU are aware, as you seem to be, that your mom will hold this over your heads, then DH is aware of that too, and does not want his in-laws holding their financial gift over the whole family's head for years and years and beyond.They will always remind you all how much they are doing/did for your kids. Even your children will end up with this damaging the relationship eventually if -- more likely, when -- your mother reminds them how she paid for their educations and holds it over them.

You can afford this yourselves yet you'd let it come between you and your DH? How strange. Say no to private school tuition, and say only, "If you would like to help educationally, feel free to contribute to the 529 college plan we already have set up."

You need to re-examine why you believe that only one spouse, you, gets to make such a gigantic decision for yourself, your DH and your kids. A decision that affects all of you--and only you get a say? That's a bigger marital issue and one you need to work out, regardless of this money offer.

All of this! I also like the idea of creating a scholarship that pp suggested

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a good estate and inheritance move. I would let her instead of cutting a check for tax purposes as explained above.

This. I’d only do this if it was a smart way for them to avoid giving the govt a 30-50% cut of their savings .

What strings would be attached? They just pay the tuition bill. Do they order you around and make demands on your time after this?