Weddings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its very medieval for parents of the bride to pay for the wedding? Do you expect dowry as well?

Parents spend on education of their daughters, daughters have careers, they earn and contribute to the family finances. They aren't underage girls with no earnings, no need to spend retirement resources on parties to impress people who wouldn't care next day.

I’m the poster who paid for three daughters’ weddings. I didn’t use “retirement resources” to pay for them. And all of my daughters are feminists. You can be a feminist and still want a nice wedding.

but a feminist won't let mommy and daddy pay for her wants

[Anonymous]

Bride's parent paying for the wedding is against basic commandments of feminism and decency.

[Anonymous]

You have zero input on whether the other set of parents should contribute money. So drop that “bride’s family and groom’s family attitude” right now. If you want to give money, give a check. Give a check in an amount you are combo for table with, with no strings attached. Expect no input, and do not expect to be consulted. This is a GIFT, so give it.

[Anonymous]

Everyone should contribute what they can/want and then the couple can work within that budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three of our daughters have gotten married. All three were in their mid 20s or so. We happily paid for the bulk of all three weddings. Each wedding could not have been more different from the other, but each was exactly what the couple wanted and was very, very nice. I’d say the cheapest of the 3 was about $50k and the most expensive was closer to $100k.

We accepted when offered but never requested any help from the grooms’ parents or the couples, and never ever talked to any of them about money. One of the grooms’ parents wanted to spring for the wedding cake, for example, and another wanted to provide the booze - in both cases we said “sure, thank you very much” and that was that. Had they not offered, we wouldn’t have cared or judged.

There’s so much acrimony on DCUM when it comes to family, in laws, kids, who pays for what, etc etc etc. We have never experienced any of that. We’re lucky, I guess.

You've lots of money and willing to spend it on parties so good for you. Not everyone can need or want to.

Well, they weren’t parties they were weddings. A one time thing. So we didn’t mind. We also have pretty sensible kids who didn’t go overboard. They had a pretty good sense for what was reasonable and what wasn’t. We also learned from our mistakes with the first wedding, which was the most expensive. We trimmed the guest list for the other weddings, for example, inviting fewer of our friends who had less of a connection to the couple. After all, weddings are mostly about the couple, their family, and their friends.

Sensible "kids" don't let their UMC parents throw fancy $100k events for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its very medieval for parents of the bride to pay for the wedding? Do you expect dowry as well?

Parents spend on education of their daughters, daughters have careers, they earn and contribute to the family finances. They aren't underage girls with no earnings, no need to spend retirement resources on parties to impress people who wouldn't care next day.

I’m the poster who paid for three daughters’ weddings. I didn’t use “retirement resources” to pay for them. And all of my daughters are feminists. You can be a feminist and still want a nice wedding.

but a feminist won't let mommy and daddy pay for her wants

A feminist can absolutely accept a gift from their parents. Why is there this weird view here that people with means should let their children struggle or suffer otherwise they aren't adults? Didn't we struggle so that our children don't have to? Weirdos, the whole lot of ya.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Elope. Wish I had.

Totally. Most marriages will end in divorce anyway. Even the photos will be burned.

[Anonymous]

The couple and parents should pony up equally. If it ends in divorce the couple should pay the parents back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its very medieval for parents of the bride to pay for the wedding? Do you expect dowry as well?

Parents spend on education of their daughters, daughters have careers, they earn and contribute to the family finances. They aren't underage girls with no earnings, no need to spend retirement resources on parties to impress people who wouldn't care next day.

I’m the poster who paid for three daughters’ weddings. I didn’t use “retirement resources” to pay for them. And all of my daughters are feminists. You can be a feminist and still want a nice wedding.

but a feminist won't let mommy and daddy pay for her wants

A feminist can absolutely accept a gift from their parents. Why is there this weird view here that people with means should let their children struggle or suffer otherwise they aren't adults? Didn't we struggle so that our children don't have to? Weirdos, the whole lot of ya.

Anyone wanting a $100k wedding isn't struggling or in need of rescue.

[Anonymous]

I'm all for both sets of parents giving money they can as gift, no matter its $100 or $100k, i don't get societal expectations for bride's parents to foot the bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have zero input on whether the other set of parents should contribute money. So drop that “bride’s family and groom’s family attitude” right now. If you want to give money, give a check. Give a check in an amount you are combo for table with, with no strings attached. Expect no input, and do not expect to be consulted. This is a GIFT, so give it.

Agree with the bolded. Implicit in the question is that the parties should be entitled to opinions about what the other parties contribute. I’ve seen groom’s families pay for the whole thing because the bride’s family’s budget was too modest for their tastes—fair enough! Every dynamic is different.

I disagree though that you can either give a “no strings” gift or nothing. Parents can absolutely say “I’ll give you this money but only if you invite these people and serve a traditional dinner etc.” The couple is free to say no, but it’s not “a GIFT” it’s money for a specific event.

[Anonymous]

Everyone should do what makes them happy and is affordable for them but society sort of pressures bride's side to feel responsible.

Its a union of two adults and two families, it should reflect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have zero input on whether the other set of parents should contribute money. So drop that “bride’s family and groom’s family attitude” right now. If you want to give money, give a check. Give a check in an amount you are combo for table with, with no strings attached. Expect no input, and do not expect to be consulted. This is a GIFT, so give it.

Agree with the bolded. Implicit in the question is that the parties should be entitled to opinions about what the other parties contribute. I’ve seen groom’s families pay for the whole thing because the bride’s family’s budget was too modest for their tastes—fair enough! Every dynamic is different.

I disagree though that you can either give a “no strings” gift or nothing. Parents can absolutely say “I’ll give you this money but only if you invite these people and serve a traditional dinner etc.” The couple is free to say no, but it’s not “a GIFT” it’s money for a specific event.

You are giving money so THEY can celebrate THEIR wedding how THEY want, not for YOU to celebrate it YOUR way.

[Anonymous]

If you want throw yourselves another wedding, instead of controlling others with check book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its very medieval for parents of the bride to pay for the wedding? Do you expect dowry as well?

Parents spend on education of their daughters, daughters have careers, they earn and contribute to the family finances. They aren't underage girls with no earnings, no need to spend retirement resources on parties to impress people who wouldn't care next day.

I’m the poster who paid for three daughters’ weddings. I didn’t use “retirement resources” to pay for them. And all of my daughters are feminists. You can be a feminist and still want a nice wedding.

+1 my parents paid for my wedding but also college and grad school. They were happy to do so, it's a cultural thing and a point of pride for them (they were immigrants)

Yes their retirement is fine