Alcoholic elderly relative told no drinking due to health conditions

[Anonymous]

OP, I read the book called Being Mortal by Atul Gawande and found it very helpful for thinking about end-of-life issues.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the book suggestion. Doctors think she may be around for years yet so I'm hoping the next housing steps will be workable for a bit. Cognitively she is ok still, memory care would be sad but a clear choice, this is a bit more baffling to navigate. Esp with the alienating people part, the hospital was a really good reality check on that point. If home aides are hired will they realistically stay or would AL last or evict? It's not just the health piece but all the rest of it.

[Anonymous]

How much home aid help does she need? Does she have financial resources? I visited a family friend in an Erickson Living facility and I was really impressed with it in terms of what they offered for the person's own small apartment but still having a place to get meals, access to doctors, and also so many social activities. They also have continuing care if she would end up needing to move up and out of her own place.

[Anonymous]

While temporarily detoxed she is less aggressively mean but still has no filter and is very narcissistic. She had temporary home assistance after a surgery a few years back and alienated the owner of a home health aide company in her area. The consequences of her alcoholism and treatment of people fell on her when she lived independently. Now in trying to move forward I need to factor them in to try to make a plan that will last a little while. A neighbor joked to me about her "Keith Richards lifestyle" so AL could be a disaster if it just provides more people to drink with and have drama with, but home with aides may be no better. I'm trying to be realistic but also want this to not be constant chaos of needing new plans esp with a lot of family not willing to help much with regard to her care.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is no magic to offer you. No special action from you, words from you, decisions from you, will matter re: whether they drink of not. Their success with this is completely on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While temporarily detoxed she is less aggressively mean but still has no filter and is very narcissistic. She had temporary home assistance after a surgery a few years back and alienated the owner of a home health aide company in her area. The consequences of her alcoholism and treatment of people fell on her when she lived independently. Now in trying to move forward I need to factor them in to try to make a plan that will last a little while. A neighbor joked to me about her "Keith Richards lifestyle" so AL could be a disaster if it just provides more people to drink with and have drama with, but home with aides may be no better. I'm trying to be realistic but also want this to not be constant chaos of needing new plans esp with a lot of family not willing to help much with regard to her care.

A friend's father was kicked out of AL for drinking too much. They can and do as residents to leave, for various reasons. My dad spent the last year of his life in Ali, and I can confirm that alcohol is served with joint meals, but only on holidays, I think, and/or at dinner time and they serve it to you so there's no worry about drinking too much.

[Anonymous]

My grandma was told at 91to stop drinking wine for her blood pressure. We said hell no, she’s 91!

She’s now 102 and still drinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is 91 and still lives in her house. She has a kidney condition, the nephrologist was the one who said no alcohol. It's also a fall risk factor, but the kidney issue is the big and new factor.

Relatives, big drinkers themselves, think that doing nothing but finding assisted living is the solution. They talk about concern a lot but not to the person in question.

I know it is unlikely that she will change but want to at least give it one try re: resources, medical help, whatever might make it easier. She has a lot of anxiety, drinking actually makes it worse, but in her mind it is the crutch.

91 years old. Let her drink abd dye in peace. Hopefully she goes to sleep pjs night and never wakes up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read the book called Being Mortal by Atul Gawande and found it very helpful for thinking about end-of-life issues.

Especially the bit about the woman pinching cookies in assisted living. The 91 year old might die soon because of the alcohol, but she will die soonish anyway.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she needs assisted living OP. She is 91, and she doesn't sound like she will be placed in independent living (where you cane easily get alcohol) but assisted living, where she needs more help.

Don't mess with aides at home OP, it's not worth it for someone with this many problems. She is 91 and if she drinks, she drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 91 FFS!

Let her do whatever the hell she wants!

She has fallen several times when drunk. Besides the health risks she gets mean and has alienated people. It's not a safe, happy kind of enjoying life thing, unfortunately.

My mother falls when she's stone cold sober and she's 78. Old people fall down.

Avoid her when she's drunk. Let her life her own life.

I can't believe we're even talking about intervention with a 91 year old.

I attended the doctor's appointments and care about this person. Your scolding, shaming tone and sense of superiority has really put me in my place. /s

What does this person want? You seem to think the proper goal is to impose your idea of what's healthy and right for this person. Of course a doctor is going to advise no alcohol, that's what doctors do. You're a loved one. You should be looking a bit deeper than "how long can we keep this physical body breathing?"

You're the one scolding, shaming and displaying a sense of superiority. I'm the one saying let a grown person live how they want to live.

She wants to live independently and drive. Those are no longer options. Happens to many if you live long enough.

Finding AL housing that will take her and not evict her is complicated by the alcoholism. Trying to set up home aides is complicated by her verbal abuse of people when drunk or hung over, or, recently in the hospital when she was basically detoxing when there for another reason. Staff treatment was raised to family members repeatedly. Not as simple as "let her have her wine with dinner" if that was the issue then it would be easier, she is not a sweet, happy drunk. The interaction of alcohol and her new health issue can cause a lot of pain and also lead her to be less mobile, which the doctor said can cause a cascade of other issues. Her alcoholism is not something I can control but not speaking of the elephant in the room does not make it go away either esp when it colors how she will do in group care and if they will keep her, or, alternatively, if home aides would stay. She has been an alcoholic for decades and everyone let her live how she wanted to live, as you put it. But, she has aged out of complete independence and now alcoholism is a factor re: housing options AND medical issues and willingness of others to care for her, given the meanness to staff at the hospital. All of these issues of life transitions are hard for any elderly person, this is an extra factor in picking AL that will take her and not be super likely to evict, + how it is impacting other medical conditions and influencing how much family members are willing to engage with her because she can be so mean. None of this is easy.

I have been through this OP and it’s really hard. But here is the hardest part: she will die an alcoholic. She isn’t an alcoholic because she is unaware of “resources” or medication. She is an alcoholic because she is alcoholic. So research AL with that in mind and accept that if you find a strict, teetotal, monitoring deliveries place (something super Christian maybe?), you will at best make her a dry drunk. But an alcoholic without access to booze is still an alcoholic in their thinking, world view, etc.

I'm 76 days sober today after decades of drinking at some level, and the last ten years drinking heavily. I have to say I would be FURIOUS if I made it to 91 years as an alcoholic and someone then decided to try an intervention to get me to sober up or checked me into an alcohol free assisted living facility. Maybe that's a messed up way to think about it, but there's an element of choice here.

I don't know that I would have an intervention, OP, but maybe a direct conversation about her condition and the problems that will arise from drinking - and then ask her if she wants to try to stop. The answer will likely be no and then I think you have to accept it.