Alcoholic elderly relative told no drinking due to health conditions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was told to stop drinking and didn’t. She died from heart failure in her sleep. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is what happens when they don’t stop.

Sorry for your loss. I am very clear that it is unlikely she will stop but want to make one effort to provide med or other types of support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was told to stop drinking and didn’t. She died from heart failure in her sleep. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is what happens when they don’t stop.

Well this is the death we all want, OP. Are you telling us we need to start drinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's 91 FFS!

Let her do whatever the hell she wants!

She has fallen several times when drunk. Besides the health risks she gets mean and has alienated people. It's not a safe, happy kind of enjoying life thing, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 91 FFS!

Let her do whatever the hell she wants!

She has fallen several times when drunk. Besides the health risks she gets mean and has alienated people. It's not a safe, happy kind of enjoying life thing, unfortunately.

My mother falls when she's stone cold sober and she's 78. Old people fall down.

Avoid her when she's drunk. Let her life her own life.

I can't believe we're even talking about intervention with a 91 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on my experience with an alcoholic relative, the assisted living may permit her to continue drinking while badgering you (or whichever younger relative is the health proxy) to get her to stop drinking. Also I'm not sure they will accept her as a resident if they become aware of the severity of her alcoholism when you apply for admission (my relative was in independent living and then moved to assisted living after a fall - I don't think that her alcoholism was apparent when she applied for independent living).

I'm really sorry that you and your family are dealing with this. It's so hard, but at the end of the day you have to remember that it is impossible to make another person stop drinking or abusing drugs.

Thanks, that is the scenario I am anticipating. Assisted living does not keep people from having deliveries and many have active social scenes that involve drinking. One relative is convinced that they will monitor it but they are not a rehab.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother smoked into her late 80's. She knew she shouldn't. She chose to smoke. Let the 91 yo drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 91 FFS!

Let her do whatever the hell she wants!

She has fallen several times when drunk. Besides the health risks she gets mean and has alienated people. It's not a safe, happy kind of enjoying life thing, unfortunately.

My mother falls when she's stone cold sober and she's 78. Old people fall down.

Avoid her when she's drunk. Let her life her own life.

I can't believe we're even talking about intervention with a 91 year old.

I attended the doctor's appointments and care about this person. Your scolding, shaming tone and sense of superiority has really put me in my place. /s

[Anonymous]

Thanks to the posters who have provided advice or a reality check, it is appreciated. -OP

This person's ability to continue to live alone independently has ended. The keys have been taken by others. So going forward it will be with a lot of hired support or in an assisted living, where she may find a large cohort of drinking buddies. The just avoid the mean drunk idea is irrelevant. Hopefully there will be AL options, among others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's 91 FFS!

Let her do whatever the hell she wants!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 91 FFS!

Let her do whatever the hell she wants!

She has fallen several times when drunk. Besides the health risks she gets mean and has alienated people. It's not a safe, happy kind of enjoying life thing, unfortunately.

My mother falls when she's stone cold sober and she's 78. Old people fall down.

Avoid her when she's drunk. Let her life her own life.

I can't believe we're even talking about intervention with a 91 year old.

I attended the doctor's appointments and care about this person. Your scolding, shaming tone and sense of superiority has really put me in my place. /s

What does this person want? You seem to think the proper goal is to impose your idea of what's healthy and right for this person. Of course a doctor is going to advise no alcohol, that's what doctors do. You're a loved one. You should be looking a bit deeper than "how long can we keep this physical body breathing?"

You're the one scolding, shaming and displaying a sense of superiority. I'm the one saying let a grown person live how they want to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was told to stop drinking and didn’t. She died from heart failure in her sleep. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is what happens when they don’t stop.

Well this is the death we all want, OP. Are you telling us we need to start drinking?

At 55?

[Anonymous]

You need to check with the AL. Not all permit alcohol. Alcohol mixed with meds is not good, many of these people are already fall risks. The AL do not want to assume more liability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 91 FFS!

Let her do whatever the hell she wants!

She has fallen several times when drunk. Besides the health risks she gets mean and has alienated people. It's not a safe, happy kind of enjoying life thing, unfortunately.

My mother falls when she's stone cold sober and she's 78. Old people fall down.

Avoid her when she's drunk. Let her life her own life.

I can't believe we're even talking about intervention with a 91 year old.

I attended the doctor's appointments and care about this person. Your scolding, shaming tone and sense of superiority has really put me in my place. /s

What does this person want? You seem to think the proper goal is to impose your idea of what's healthy and right for this person. Of course a doctor is going to advise no alcohol, that's what doctors do. You're a loved one. You should be looking a bit deeper than "how long can we keep this physical body breathing?"

You're the one scolding, shaming and displaying a sense of superiority. I'm the one saying let a grown person live how they want to live.

She wants to live independently and drive. Those are no longer options. Happens to many if you live long enough.

Finding AL housing that will take her and not evict her is complicated by the alcoholism. Trying to set up home aides is complicated by her verbal abuse of people when drunk or hung over, or, recently in the hospital when she was basically detoxing when there for another reason. Staff treatment was raised to family members repeatedly. Not as simple as "let her have her wine with dinner" if that was the issue then it would be easier, she is not a sweet, happy drunk. The interaction of alcohol and her new health issue can cause a lot of pain and also lead her to be less mobile, which the doctor said can cause a cascade of other issues. Her alcoholism is not something I can control but not speaking of the elephant in the room does not make it go away either esp when it colors how she will do in group care and if they will keep her, or, alternatively, if home aides would stay. She has been an alcoholic for decades and everyone let her live how she wanted to live, as you put it. But, she has aged out of complete independence and now alcoholism is a factor re: housing options AND medical issues and willingness of others to care for her, given the meanness to staff at the hospital. All of these issues of life transitions are hard for any elderly person, this is an extra factor in picking AL that will take her and not be super likely to evict, + how it is impacting other medical conditions and influencing how much family members are willing to engage with her because she can be so mean. None of this is easy.

[Anonymous]

Many AL have booze. As with an alcoholic of any age, the person has to be willing to get help. Otherwise at that age, why not let her drink and if she passes from booze, she died on her own terms. Much more tragic when a 20 something dies from alcohol related causes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 91 FFS!

Let her do whatever the hell she wants!

She has fallen several times when drunk. Besides the health risks she gets mean and has alienated people. It's not a safe, happy kind of enjoying life thing, unfortunately.

My mother falls when she's stone cold sober and she's 78. Old people fall down.

Avoid her when she's drunk. Let her life her own life.

I can't believe we're even talking about intervention with a 91 year old.

I attended the doctor's appointments and care about this person. Your scolding, shaming tone and sense of superiority has really put me in my place. /s

What does this person want? You seem to think the proper goal is to impose your idea of what's healthy and right for this person. Of course a doctor is going to advise no alcohol, that's what doctors do. You're a loved one. You should be looking a bit deeper than "how long can we keep this physical body breathing?"

You're the one scolding, shaming and displaying a sense of superiority. I'm the one saying let a grown person live how they want to live.

She wants to live independently and drive. Those are no longer options. Happens to many if you live long enough.

Finding AL housing that will take her and not evict her is complicated by the alcoholism. Trying to set up home aides is complicated by her verbal abuse of people when drunk or hung over, or, recently in the hospital when she was basically detoxing when there for another reason. Staff treatment was raised to family members repeatedly. Not as simple as "let her have her wine with dinner" if that was the issue then it would be easier, she is not a sweet, happy drunk. The interaction of alcohol and her new health issue can cause a lot of pain and also lead her to be less mobile, which the doctor said can cause a cascade of other issues. Her alcoholism is not something I can control but not speaking of the elephant in the room does not make it go away either esp when it colors how she will do in group care and if they will keep her, or, alternatively, if home aides would stay. She has been an alcoholic for decades and everyone let her live how she wanted to live, as you put it. But, she has aged out of complete independence and now alcoholism is a factor re: housing options AND medical issues and willingness of others to care for her, given the meanness to staff at the hospital. All of these issues of life transitions are hard for any elderly person, this is an extra factor in picking AL that will take her and not be super likely to evict, + how it is impacting other medical conditions and influencing how much family members are willing to engage with her because she can be so mean. None of this is easy.

I have been through this OP and it’s really hard. But here is the hardest part: she will die an alcoholic. She isn’t an alcoholic because she is unaware of “resources” or medication. She is an alcoholic because she is alcoholic. So research AL with that in mind and accept that if you find a strict, teetotal, monitoring deliveries place (something super Christian maybe?), you will at best make her a dry drunk. But an alcoholic without access to booze is still an alcoholic in their thinking, world view, etc.