Alcoholic elderly relative told no drinking due to health conditions

[Anonymous]

How have people coped with an elderly relative who is an alcoholic? A recently diagnosed condition led the doctor to say "no drinking." I get that I cannot control her behavior and choices but would like to offer resources. She lives independently, relatives seem to think that assisted living would be booze free, but my understanding is that drinking may be a part of socializing in assisted living, so, not a quick easy fix. She has been hospitalized and in rehab post-surgery so in essence has detoxed, so I figure may as well have the discussion. Any advice from those who have grappled with this? TIA.

[Anonymous]

What age is she?

[Anonymous]

If she doesn’t admit she is an alcoholic, she won’t read resources about alcoholism.

And her disease hasn’t been cured, so she will still drink. It’s tough to watch, but it’s even worse to get your hopes up.

[Anonymous]

Please have her talk to to a physician about one of the FDA-approved medications for treating alcohol. She’ll need help not drinking if she’s truly addicted to alcohol. Many PCPs shy away from treating addiction, but you could find a doc who is board-certified in addiction medicine or addiction psychiatry.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, my dad chose to drink and suffer the health consequences. We supported him in that choice. He’s 80 years old with a bunch of health issues that will likely kill him within the year. He’s a very functional alcoholic - unless you are counting you’d never guess how much he drinks as he’s always in control, doesn’t get mean, and doesn’t drive (though that used to be a concern). The drinking has contributed to his poor health and he has cut back some for health reasons on his own accord, but it helps with the pain associated with his conditions and has brought him enjoyment for a lifetime. It may hasten his death, but he’s not hurting anyone but himself and none of my siblings or I think it’s worth it to intervene. We’re just enjoying the time we have left with him and making him comfortable, which includes pouring the wine.

I could see why it would be worth intervening in other situations and am not necessarily saying we’re doing things right, but that’s where we are.

[Anonymous]

How old is she? What is the recently diagnosed condition?

My Dad was an alcoholic. He knew he shouldn’t be drinking. But still drank. I figured he was in his late 70’s, let him drink. My Mom was early 80’s and diabetic. And she ate whatever sweets she wanted.

At some point quality of life is more important than quantity.

[Anonymous]

My mom was told to stop drinking and didn’t. She died from heart failure in her sleep. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is what happens when they don’t stop.

[Anonymous]

How long do we really want people to live unhappily?

At 80, I plan to do whatever the hell I want. I'm gonna die soon anyway, and I truly don't care to live forever eating kale and drinking kombucha.

[Anonymous]

She is 91 and still lives in her house. She has a kidney condition, the nephrologist was the one who said no alcohol. It's also a fall risk factor, but the kidney issue is the big and new factor.

Relatives, big drinkers themselves, think that doing nothing but finding assisted living is the solution. They talk about concern a lot but not to the person in question.

I know it is unlikely that she will change but want to at least give it one try re: resources, medical help, whatever might make it easier. She has a lot of anxiety, drinking actually makes it worse, but in her mind it is the crutch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was told to stop drinking and didn’t. She died from heart failure in her sleep. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is what happens when they don’t stop.

Sorry for your loss. I am very clear that it is unlikely she will stop but want to make one effort to provide med or other types of support.

[Anonymous]

Shes 91. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

A 91 year old alcoholic is not going to stop drinking for any reason, death especially.

[Anonymous]

Does she want to quit drinking? Has she asked for help, advice or resources?

My 85yo grandmother with emphysema was tied to an oxygen bottle 24/7. But every couple of hours, she'd detach from the bottle, walk outside, and have a cigarette. We all looked the other way, and she pretended nobody knew. She'd been smoking for something like 60-70 years, no way was she going to quit then.

[Anonymous]

Based on my experience with an alcoholic relative, the assisted living may permit her to continue drinking while badgering you (or whichever younger relative is the health proxy) to get her to stop drinking. Also I'm not sure they will accept her as a resident if they become aware of the severity of her alcoholism when you apply for admission (my relative was in independent living and then moved to assisted living after a fall - I don't think that her alcoholism was apparent when she applied for independent living).

I'm really sorry that you and your family are dealing with this. It's so hard, but at the end of the day you have to remember that it is impossible to make another person stop drinking or abusing drugs.

[Anonymous]

She's 91 FFS!

Let her do whatever the hell she wants!