Reply to Alcoholic elderly relative told no drinking due to health conditions

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She's 91 FFS!

Let her do whatever the hell she wants![/quote]

She has fallen several times when drunk. Besides the health risks she gets mean and has alienated people. It's not a safe, happy kind of enjoying life thing, unfortunately. [/quote]

My mother falls when she's stone cold sober and she's 78. Old people fall down.

Avoid her when she's drunk. Let her life her own life.

I can't believe we're even talking about intervention with a 91 year old. [/quote]

I attended the doctor's appointments and care about this person. Your scolding, shaming tone and sense of superiority has really put me in my place. /s[/quote]

What does this person want? You seem to think the proper goal is to impose your idea of what's healthy and right for this person. Of course a doctor is going to advise no alcohol, that's what doctors do. You're a loved one. You should be looking a bit deeper than "how long can we keep this physical body breathing?"

You're the one scolding, shaming and displaying a sense of superiority. I'm the one saying let a grown person live how they want to live.[/quote]

She wants to live independently and drive. Those are no longer options. Happens to many if you live long enough.

Finding AL housing that will take her and not evict her is complicated by the alcoholism. Trying to set up home aides is complicated by her verbal abuse of people when drunk or hung over, or, recently in the hospital when she was basically detoxing when there for another reason. Staff treatment was raised to family members repeatedly. Not as simple as "let her have her wine with dinner" if that was the issue then it would be easier, she is not a sweet, happy drunk. The interaction of alcohol and her new health issue can cause a lot of pain and also lead her to be less mobile, which the doctor said can cause a cascade of other issues. Her alcoholism is not something I can control but not speaking of the elephant in the room does not make it go away either esp when it colors how she will do in group care and if they will keep her, or, alternatively, if home aides would stay. She has been an alcoholic for decades and everyone let her live how she wanted to live, as you put it. But, she has aged out of complete independence and now alcoholism is a factor re: housing options AND medical issues and willingness of others to care for her, given the meanness to staff at the hospital. All of these issues of life transitions are hard for any elderly person, this is an extra factor in picking AL that will take her and not be super likely to evict, + how it is impacting other medical conditions and influencing how much family members are willing to engage with her because she can be so mean. None of this is easy. [/quote]

I have been through this OP and it’s really hard. But here is the hardest part: she will die an alcoholic.  She isn’t an alcoholic because she is unaware of “resources” or medication.  She is an alcoholic because she is alcoholic.   So research AL with that in mind and accept that if you find a strict, teetotal, monitoring deliveries place (something super Christian maybe?), you will at best make her a dry drunk.  But an alcoholic without access to booze is still an alcoholic in their thinking, world view, etc.[/quote]

I'm 76 days sober today after decades of drinking at some level, and the last ten years drinking heavily. I have to say I would be FURIOUS if I made it to 91 years as an alcoholic and someone then decided to try an intervention to get me to sober up or checked me into an alcohol free assisted living facility. Maybe that's a messed up way to think about it, but there's an element of choice here.

I don't know that I would have an intervention, OP, but maybe a direct conversation about her condition and the problems that will arise from drinking - and then ask her if she wants to try to stop. The answer will likely be no and then I think you have to accept it.[/quote]

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