Waited to TTC due to husband and now having fertility issues

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We waited to TTC as husband was not ready until his 36 birthday. I am turning 36 soon and we have been TTC for 4 months. My OB said to go to a fertility specialist if not able to conceive in 2 months.

I am so angry as I wanted a baby 4 years ago. What can I even do?

I think you already know from posts here, or if not, you need to take this on board:

Four months is no time at all. Nearly 36 is no longer as huge a deal as it once was (it's not immaterial but it's also not, in and of itself, the huge deal it once was). You cannot know if you might have had issues at 25, much less 35. And you and DH have not even had any fertility tests etc. yet, so your intensity is not warranted at this point.

The real issue today is your resentment and anger toward your husband. NOT the fact you haven't gotten pregnant yet while TTC. The REAL issue is your resentment, OP. Another PP above noted, rightly, that you too bear responsibility for agreeing to wait. So own that and then let it go and find a way to let go of the resentment re: DH. Your resentment is a perfect recipe for pushing him away emotionally even as you're jumping him and demanding he get you pregnant on the schedule you want.

You need to get your head on straight and think hard about whether you are in your marriage first and foremost, or want a baby first and foremost. You might think, but I want both equally! Well, many of us want both equally but one is a commitment you already made. The other is a profound hope but not a reality yet--and might never be a reality. Go and read the many, many posts on DCUM from women bemoaning how men "stole their fertility" so they divorced in their mid- to late-30s and are now desperately trying to find dates, find the right man who wants young kids in his late 30s or 40s, who wants to date/marry/have a baby almost immediately, etc. It's beyond sad, frankly. If you can't see a future with your DH that is child-free, or a future with adopted children, or a future as a foster family etc. -- you are putting a biological child ahead of your marriage. Your choice, but if you don't let go of the resentment you are skewing the odds in favor of losing your DH and marriage.

Marriage is not just about love and commitment, but also about having shared goals. If one spouse wants biological children and the other doesn’t care enough to try to conceive on a timeline that makes that possible, then it is an “irreconcilable difference” in my opinion. It also speaks to an unwillingness to communicate honestly and compromise and many women decide they don’t want to be in a marriage like that.

You also make it seem like these women won’t be able find men who are willing to be on their timeline and you can’t know that. Clearly some women felt like it was better to try to find someone else who will share their desires and goals rather than stay in a marriage where their desires weren’t respected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We waited to TTC as husband was not ready until his 36 birthday. I am turning 36 soon and we have been TTC for 4 months. My OB said to go to a fertility specialist if not able to conceive in 2 months.

I am so angry as I wanted a baby 4 years ago. What can I even do?

I think you already know from posts here, or if not, you need to take this on board:

Four months is no time at all. Nearly 36 is no longer as huge a deal as it once was (it's not immaterial but it's also not, in and of itself, the huge deal it once was). You cannot know if you might have had issues at 25, much less 35. And you and DH have not even had any fertility tests etc. yet, so your intensity is not warranted at this point.

The real issue today is your resentment and anger toward your husband. NOT the fact you haven't gotten pregnant yet while TTC. The REAL issue is your resentment, OP. Another PP above noted, rightly, that you too bear responsibility for agreeing to wait. So own that and then let it go and find a way to let go of the resentment re: DH. Your resentment is a perfect recipe for pushing him away emotionally even as you're jumping him and demanding he get you pregnant on the schedule you want.

You need to get your head on straight and think hard about whether you are in your marriage first and foremost, or want a baby first and foremost. You might think, but I want both equally! Well, many of us want both equally but one is a commitment you already made. The other is a profound hope but not a reality yet--and might never be a reality. Go and read the many, many posts on DCUM from women bemoaning how men "stole their fertility" so they divorced in their mid- to late-30s and are now desperately trying to find dates, find the right man who wants young kids in his late 30s or 40s, who wants to date/marry/have a baby almost immediately, etc. It's beyond sad, frankly. If you can't see a future with your DH that is child-free, or a future with adopted children, or a future as a foster family etc. -- you are putting a biological child ahead of your marriage. Your choice, but if you don't let go of the resentment you are skewing the odds in favor of losing your DH and marriage.

well said PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is unlikely due to age alone. Most people would have had the same issues in their 20s if they have issues conceiving.

It is not a magic age thing.

This is completely against what science and reproductive endocrinologists will tell you.

I completely disagree. And if you start reading articles you will see that there is a huge myth about a fertility cliff it simply does not exist at 35.
If you have fertility problems in your mid-30s most likely you will always have had them.

OP does not have a fertility problem it’s only been four months.

I’ve been pregnant exactly twice both unplanned pregnancies from one time sex at age 34 and age 37. No sex in between all it took was one time. Most of my friends had their first children between 38 and 44 and no IVF.

[Anonymous]

Immediately posted above but I do have a friend who had IVF at 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We waited to TTC as husband was not ready until his 36 birthday. I am turning 36 soon and we have been TTC for 4 months. My OB said to go to a fertility specialist if not able to conceive in 2 months.

I am so angry as I wanted a baby 4 years ago. What can I even do?

You still have very good chances of conceiving a baby (it took me 9 months at 37 & 6 months at 39). But when you do, you and your husband have a very, very long road ahead of you full of pressure points. Pregnancy, childbirth, newborn sleep patterns, breastfeeding, toddler tantrums, potty training, preschool drop off schedule, sick days… You need to work on your relationship first or your marriage may not last. Become parents is wonderful but it will also expose any cracks in your marriage. Work on forgiving him and yourself. Maybe try couples counseling.

Good luck and sending you happy baby making vibes.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you need to hash this out now as EVERY little crack in a relationship becomes a crater during pregnancy and parenthood. It is such a vulnerable time and you all need to be a united front. I think you need to (productively) convey your anger an hurt surrounding the situation and try to work together moving forward.

I know that's easier said than done. I can't imagine if my DH postponed us trying for kids

[Anonymous]

I would strongly advise against getting attached to a narrative of this being "his fault." If you personally have fertility issues, those have nothing to do with him. If he personally has fertility issues, those likely have nothing to do with waiting a couple of years in his early 30s. And 4 months is 4 cycles.

Realistically, it is a lot harder to get pregnant than many of us are told. When I was a teenager, the "IT ONLY TAKES ONCE" message was reinforced loud and clear, such that most of us thought that you could get pregnant any time sperm was around your body. It is really not that easy. There are only a few days during the month when the timing lines up. If you are able to conceive during those few days, there is still a 1 in 4 chance that your pregnancy will end in miscarriage.

Your resentment toward your husband is toxic. This is not healthy for the process y'all are in. Pregnancy, even uncomplicated unassisted pregnancy, is stressful on your body and your relationship. Having children is massively stressful on your relationship. Do not start that journey with the idea that you were doing things right and your husband messed it up. It's a recipe for a really bad marriage and coparenting relationship.