Kids want grandparents here- I’m mad at my dad- WWYD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When these dysfunctional family relationships exists, it's usually that one or more are alcoholics.

Op, I hope that's not the case.

Op here- no alcohol involved. My dad is more just unpleasant to me- and I always put up with it so my kids didn’t probably realize much. He doesn’t verbally abuse or yell at me- except the one xmàs- I would never tolerate that. He just makes constant slams and dismisses me on everything. When you grow up with something, you sometimes tolerate more. When he did yell at me that one xmàs in front of kids, that was the tipping point- but after that he made me pay by really being nasty through end of holiday- saying things like “of course Donna we always have to do what’s you want”— on something ridiculous like the path we picked for hike- I piked the one both kids and seniors could take - 1 mile- one was 2.5 miles but of course he didn’t ask, just attacked me and how we always do what I want- for real! On a family hike. But that wasn’t point, he was making me pay and again, just could barely tolerate me. It’s like oil and water.
I did finally tell my older kids last weekend that I didn’t like the way grandpa treated me. That family shouldn’t do that and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to feel that way another xmàs. But I don’t want to obsess with them as I like they have a relationship. He teases them and can sometimes be too much for them but they blow it off as grandpa. I don’t want to change their love for him.
I could give the full blow by blow of how he treats me, just know it’s like when your mom remarried and her new boyfriend tolerates you. Honestly that’s what it reminds me of. Tolerate but can’t stand.

Are your parents the seniors in the hike example? Why did you make a decision for them on what kind of hike they could handle? The kids can easily walk 2.5 miles. Are you sure you're not too controlling and that's part of the friction?

[Anonymous]

Are your parents asking for time with your kids? Do your kids call/FaceTime with them at all? If not then let it go. You've told the kids your reasons and now you wait for an olive branch from your dad. Worst case your kids can connect on their own. They are plenty old enough to make a call to chat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You removed your dad from your life BCS you had a yelling argument?
Ok, sounds to me like you are both the same.

What a rude response. I wouldn't anyone going off on me in front of my kids.

Op, your father likes to play the favorites game and seems to need to let the child who isn't favorited know that. What makes you think he wouldn't do that to your children? My in laws are like this and they treated my children differently from the time they were babies. It's really sick and it very unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Agree with a PP who said: Invite them. Put them up in a hotel (sell it to your mom as a treat for them; your dad likely will complain about it but frankly you can grit your teeth and redirect his attention to the kids). Do this visit after Christmas to take the emotional weight off the 24th/25th. Involve the kids in planning what they think would be nice to do wtih grandma/grandpa--encourage the kids to find shows or plays, museum exhibits etc. the week after Christmas. Having activities to do and things to see helps avoid a lot of "hanging out at the house" time which will end up in spats, probably; it's helpful to have some activity on which everyone can focus and which can be a source of conversation.

You alrready know your dad can be an a$$ but I would be prepared to deflect and redirect Every. Single. Time. "Sally, why are we in a hotel? I hate hotels. YOU picked it, not me." Actually the kids picked it as a treat for you and mom. Would you like more potatoes, Dad? "I don't like (whatever type of) exhibits!" Mom does. I'm sure enjoying watching her have fun with the kids here. And so on.

I'm not saying you have to tolerate a nasty dad, but based just on what you describe so far, I'd do this for the kids since they are asking. Frankly many, many kids their ages would absolutely not be thinking of, much less asking to see, grandparents, especially after a long period like the pandemic. Your'e lucky your kids are thoughtful that way. Bear in mind: The kids may be remembering happy little-kid times they had, and the reality of critical grandpa might be a rude awakening for the older two, but still, I'd give it a try. And yes, I'd talk to the older two in advance but say I was willing to take the high road and re-admit grandpa for a holiday. (Because: 80s.) If grandpa goes off on one of the kids, of course, I'd be inviting him to leave and fly home, and let us visit with Grandma.

[Anonymous]

Your analogy that he treats you like a mom's BF might treat a kid, just tolerating them, makes me wonder if he isn't your bio father and he knows it but you don't. Might want to check into that.

I wouldn't actually allow my kids to hang around with someone who consistently mistreated me for years. You said something like to them he's "just grandpa" but that's not good. It allows them to normalize or rationalize mistreatment.