Kids want grandparents here- I’m mad at my dad- WWYD

[Anonymous]

My dad has always been an ass to me. He just doesn’t seem to really like me and I annoy him so he’s rude condescending and just not very loving. He thinks my brother is all knowing -which he is great guy- that’s irrelevant but overall he is just dismissive and unkind to me- really have always taken the treatment with grain of salt. My mom is very sweet. But xmàs before Covid he went off on me in front of kids and I had it. So have not talked to him since.
And he, naturally, never reached or apologized/ didn’t expect that.
But my kids love my parents and since my husband and I are older parents, there aren’t many grands left. husbands parents one passed and one in nursing home (we see her weekly but she doesn’t know us).
But my kids really want my parents to come for xmas. I’m torn. I finally had come to the decison to remove him from my life.
They are 80 though and my I know time is not on our side-and with Covid they haven’t seen kids much so I’m torn.
I feel the brain says be the better person and let it go and have your kids happy invite them. But I also feel like it’s so wrong he treat anyone like he treats me- what would you do?

[Anonymous]

I would invite him but I’d very aggressively and respectfully shut down any behavior that crosses my line, even if I have to do it in front of the kids.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t have them come but maybe drop kids off for a long weekend with them during winter break (if easy driveable.) You and DH have a lovely weekend away.
Risk if you me father denigrates you to your kids but it sounds like he takes pleasure in doing directly to you do he probably won’t. Have your DH drop off / pick up - and you have ‘errand’ in whatever town your parents live.
Life too short to waste on people who continue to hurt you.

[Anonymous]

I’d talk to the kids about how he spoke to you last time and how your home is a safe place for the family so when someone behaves that way they can’t be allowed back.

Can you meet them for a dinner at a restaurant? He’s less likely to yell in public.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like it would be best if you can find a way for the kids to spend time with them, not in your home. Are your kids too young to drive and how far do your parents live?

I had to remove both my parents from my life when my kids were teens but we lived nearby too. My kids went there a couple times a year.

My dad started being really rude to my daughter so she quit visiting too.

Sorry OP, I know it's really tough and a lot of people don't understand.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids?
What exactly are they saying and how often?
How far away are your parents?

[Anonymous]

You travel to them. Both because they are old and because it gives you the flexibility to leave whenever you want to.

[Anonymous]

Invite them and just prepare to disengage from him emotionally. Enjoy time with your mom and enjoy doing this for your kids. Keep the visit on the shorter side. No week-long marathons. If your kids are old enough to be alone with the grandparents, the run a bunch of “errands” while they’re visiting to escape the house. And you can always live vent here to us at DCUM while they’re visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d talk to the kids about how he spoke to you last time and how your home is a safe place for the family so when someone behaves that way they can’t be allowed back.

Can you meet them for a dinner at a restaurant? He’s less likely to yell in public.

This. I’ve had to have similar conversations with my DC.

[Anonymous]

I am curious. What kind of fight did you have with your father?

[Anonymous]

It almost sounds as though the kids enjoyed seeing Grandpa dress down Mom. I hope that's not the case, because why else would they clamor to spend time with a man who is so insulting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious. What kind of fight did you have with your father?

+1 You saying that your dad went off on you implies his patience was frazzled. I'm curious what exactly causes this. I know with my parents, they are like oil and water with one of us. And no one will compromise on their personalities to make getting along possible. A lifetime of baggage.

Unfortunately, if you want your kids to have a relationship with your parents and your dad doesn't seem to care, then you will have to be the one to accommodate his personality.

[Anonymous]

Did you cut off both your mom and dad? You said your mom is sweet, so it’s kind of sad that she’s being denied a relationship with her grandkids because of him. Is there a way your mom could come alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are your kids?
What exactly are they saying and how often?
How far away are your parents?

This. And the answers to these questions might impact what the kids really want: grandparents watching them open gifts vs time spent with the grandparents that doesn’t have to include your involvement.
I really like the idea of visiting the grandparents — so that you can “run errands” while the kids enjoy being with their grandparents. Without more information though, I don’t know if it’s feasible to leave young kids alone with their grandparents; if the distance is such that you’ll need a hotel, etc. This could be a good time too, to think about what traditions you’d like to start. Maybe Christmas Eve could include the grandparents for a traditional dinner and opening family gifts, or Christmas can include a breakfast brunch, followed by a church service. The activities don’t matter. What matters is that they are enjoyable traditions that also have a natural end point — so that your time interacting with your dad is limited. The older the kids are — the easier it will be for you to step back from interacting with your dad.

In your place, I would call your dad out publicly if he actively, publicly mistreats you. It would be empowering for you and excellent and maybe even essential modeling for your kids.