Big age gap between cousins

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just had a bunch of cousins together recently. Ages were 2, 6, 9, 13 and 17. I was very impressed the two oldest girls never took out their phones once in five hours. The oldest three brought toy cars and magna-tiles, which helped break the ice, but mostly they were rolling around on the floor and doing quasi yoga poses and gymnastics, or sitting on the couch reading books.

OP here. My daughter can play with them great for a few hours or a day visit. It’s the weeklong stay that I’m worried about!

She doesn’t need to play with them nonstop. She can also bond with other relatives who are adults, do errands with you, read, etc.

My in-laws get upset when she doesn’t play with them nonstop and takes a break to read, watch some videos, etc. They tell her that she only sees them a few times a year and so should play with them and that she can read when she’s alone our home!

Then you are going to have to stand up to them and ensure that your daughter gets a break.

They don’t even let her call her friends on her phone. They say it’s ‘family time’ now and to save friends for later. Ugh

And what are you doing when your in laws are doing this? Who is the parent?

Some of these things - like no phone - make sense for short visits. But your in laws aren’t the ones who get to make that decision. And the rules need to change when you are all together for an extended period of time. Are you afraid of your in laws? Why can’t you tell them that your daughter needs a break or that they are not in charge of her phone use?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My children are younger than most of their cousins on DHs side. The older ones were nice to the younger ones until around 13/14 and then they came back to nice around 18. Teenagers do not want to be around younger ones.

Yeah I don’t agree necessarily. 13 was the age where I loved baby sitting and taking care of younger ones.

Same. I LOVED kids at that age--but we didn't have electronics to distract ourselves with, so there's that. My cousins were all significantly older than me, some were teens when I was born, some even had kids of their own when I was born, so I have very little relationship with any of them. I wouldn't call 5 years a big age gap--it feels like it at these ages, but 10-15-20-25 years is a big age gap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just had a bunch of cousins together recently. Ages were 2, 6, 9, 13 and 17. I was very impressed the two oldest girls never took out their phones once in five hours. The oldest three brought toy cars and magna-tiles, which helped break the ice, but mostly they were rolling around on the floor and doing quasi yoga poses and gymnastics, or sitting on the couch reading books.

OP here. My daughter can play with them great for a few hours or a day visit. It’s the weeklong stay that I’m worried about!

She doesn’t need to play with them nonstop. She can also bond with other relatives who are adults, do errands with you, read, etc.

My in-laws get upset when she doesn’t play with them nonstop and takes a break to read, watch some videos, etc. They tell her that she only sees them a few times a year and so should play with them and that she can read when she’s alone our home!

Then you are going to have to stand up to them and ensure that your daughter gets a break.

They don’t even let her call her friends on her phone. They say it’s ‘family time’ now and to save friends for later. Ugh

And what are you doing when your in laws are doing this? Who is the parent?

Some of these things - like no phone - make sense for short visits. But your in laws aren’t the ones who get to make that decision. And the rules need to change when you are all together for an extended period of time. Are you afraid of your in laws? Why can’t you tell them that your daughter needs a break or that they are not in charge of her phone use?

Well since this upcoming visit will take place at my home instead of at the in-laws house, I feel like I can say ‘our house, our rules’ to them. It’s a bit more difficult to do when we are at their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest cousin is 38 years younger than I am, so it doesn’t seem to me that your kids have that big of a cousin age gap.

There are lots of things that 13 year olds can do with younger cousins. Decorate gingerbread houses. Puzzles. Drawing or art activities that allow for different results based on skills. Hikes.

They all love hiking and doing puzzles so I’ll definitely suggest those activities. Gingerbread houses sound too messy. My daughter is not into art but her younger cousins are so that’s a no go.

You sound like fun. Gingerbread houses are too messy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just had a bunch of cousins together recently. Ages were 2, 6, 9, 13 and 17. I was very impressed the two oldest girls never took out their phones once in five hours. The oldest three brought toy cars and magna-tiles, which helped break the ice, but mostly they were rolling around on the floor and doing quasi yoga poses and gymnastics, or sitting on the couch reading books.

OP here. My daughter can play with them great for a few hours or a day visit. It’s the weeklong stay that I’m worried about!

She doesn’t need to play with them nonstop. She can also bond with other relatives who are adults, do errands with you, read, etc.

My in-laws get upset when she doesn’t play with them nonstop and takes a break to read, watch some videos, etc. They tell her that she only sees them a few times a year and so should play with them and that she can read when she’s alone our home!

Then you are going to have to stand up to them and ensure that your daughter gets a break.

They don’t even let her call her friends on her phone. They say it’s ‘family time’ now and to save friends for later. Ugh

And what are you doing when your in laws are doing this? Who is the parent?

Some of these things - like no phone - make sense for short visits. But your in laws aren’t the ones who get to make that decision. And the rules need to change when you are all together for an extended period of time. Are you afraid of your in laws? Why can’t you tell them that your daughter needs a break or that they are not in charge of her phone use?

Well since this upcoming visit will take place at my home instead of at the in-laws house, I feel like I can say ‘our house, our rules’ to them. It’s a bit more difficult to do when we are at their house.

Especially since this visit is at your house use this is a the time to set some boundaries with your ILs as it relates to how much time your DD spends playing with her cousins. I’m the oldest cousin, and my cousins range in age from 6 years younger than me to 20 years younger than me. I loved the babysitting role and played with the little kids constantly when I was a tween, but when I got into my teens it lost its luster a little bit. Make sure your DD is able to get a break and that her aunts/uncles aren’t planning on just dumping their kids on her to supervise for the entire visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just had a bunch of cousins together recently. Ages were 2, 6, 9, 13 and 17. I was very impressed the two oldest girls never took out their phones once in five hours. The oldest three brought toy cars and magna-tiles, which helped break the ice, but mostly they were rolling around on the floor and doing quasi yoga poses and gymnastics, or sitting on the couch reading books.

OP here. My daughter can play with them great for a few hours or a day visit. It’s the weeklong stay that I’m worried about!

She doesn’t need to play with them nonstop. She can also bond with other relatives who are adults, do errands with you, read, etc.

My in-laws get upset when she doesn’t play with them nonstop and takes a break to read, watch some videos, etc. They tell her that she only sees them a few times a year and so should play with them and that she can read when she’s alone our home!

Then you are going to have to stand up to them and ensure that your daughter gets a break.

They don’t even let her call her friends on her phone. They say it’s ‘family time’ now and to save friends for later. Ugh

And what are you doing when your in laws are doing this? Who is the parent?

Some of these things - like no phone - make sense for short visits. But your in laws aren’t the ones who get to make that decision. And the rules need to change when you are all together for an extended period of time. Are you afraid of your in laws? Why can’t you tell them that your daughter needs a break or that they are not in charge of her phone use?

Well since this upcoming visit will take place at my home instead of at the in-laws house, I feel like I can say ‘our house, our rules’ to them. It’s a bit more difficult to do when we are at their house.

Definitely you set the boundaries for your daughter and not your in laws.

For the future when you are at their house you could shorten the stay for a couple days if you don’t like their rules. I find anything over 4, max 5, days drives me bonkers with family.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have an age gap problem. You have a “my in-laws are unreasonable” problem. Why isn’t your spouse telling them to leave your kid alone and that you are the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just had a bunch of cousins together recently. Ages were 2, 6, 9, 13 and 17. I was very impressed the two oldest girls never took out their phones once in five hours. The oldest three brought toy cars and magna-tiles, which helped break the ice, but mostly they were rolling around on the floor and doing quasi yoga poses and gymnastics, or sitting on the couch reading books.

OP here. My daughter can play with them great for a few hours or a day visit. It’s the weeklong stay that I’m worried about!

She doesn’t need to play with them nonstop. She can also bond with other relatives who are adults, do errands with you, read, etc.

My in-laws get upset when she doesn’t play with them nonstop and takes a break to read, watch some videos, etc. They tell her that she only sees them a few times a year and so should play with them and that she can read when she’s alone our home!

Tell them they’re out of line. It’s not your daughter’s job to entertain her cousins.

OP you have the right idea. It's fine to expect some play and some babysitting type mentality, but also totally developmentally normal to allow teens to be teens and get away from that. Your inlaws are in the wrong. If they aren't the type who can be reasoned with, then from now on I would carve out boundaries. Stay at a hotel. Have family time all together and teen activity time.

Make sure you and your husband are on the team with this. The person who said it isn't a big age difference it right for adulthood, but wrong for childhood. It's a major sea of difference and it's unrealistic to expect them to be together all the time. It may breed resentment if they are forced together the whole time. I have found the families obsessed with the whole "cousins" mentality where they all must be close and you must create perfect core memories and take lots of photos sew the seeds for cousins to be distant in adulthood. Things need to happen organically. People need to be allowed to be their age. Differences need to be respected. Those are the families that sew the seeds for true closeness rather than the appearance of closeness with no real substance.

[Anonymous]

Ha. That's not a big age gap.

My spouse and I are the youngest in our families. We are 5-9 years younger than our siblings who had kids early. We met late and had children late, so our twins are 16-20 years younger than their cousins. But, they are like a generation to themselves and their cousins all adore them and treat them more like nephews than like cousins.

When we get together, we tend to do experiences together. We have gone to interactive science museums. My niece (30) came to visit recently and we took the 11 year old twins to Urban Air. My niece is a ski and snowboard instructor and she was teaching them to do flips and such on the trampolines. We've gone for outdoor hikes and took bus tours.

But, we've also played games that span ages. So, we've played Apples to Apples as a family (we use the Junior version when the boys are playing). Another cousin taught them parcheesi when they were younger and they had a great time.

You can look for things that will appeal to both age groups. At 13, 7 and 5, they can enjoy the playground together or attractions. They can enjoy trampoline parks or science museums. Look wherever you are going to be and see what attractions are there that appeal to multiple age groups. You can also find a number of games that will appeal to both. Sorry, Parcheesi and Trouble are classic games that work. Card games like Uno, Phase 10 and Skipbo are fun games that the 5 year old can play. 5 is a little young, but at 6, my kids enjoyed learning Ticket to Ride, for a newer game. And Elfinland. And Robo Rally. For games geared towards the younger age, the Dr. Seuss game "I Can Do That" was perfect and the older kids and adults enjoyed it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest cousin is 38 years younger than I am, so it doesn’t seem to me that your kids have that big of a cousin age gap.

There are lots of things that 13 year olds can do with younger cousins. Decorate gingerbread houses. Puzzles. Drawing or art activities that allow for different results based on skills. Hikes.

They all love hiking and doing puzzles so I’ll definitely suggest those activities. Gingerbread houses sound too messy. My daughter is not into art but her younger cousins are so that’s a no go.

You sound like fun. Gingerbread houses are too messy?

DP,
but oh my God, yes! We got some kits last year to with several kids from the extended family. At the end, I wanted to rip out my hair. Everyone's skill level was very different, Some just wanted to sit down and eat all the candy, the tears when something fell apart. And some parts of the kit weren't a good fit. I would do a gingerbread again with my own kid, but it'll be a cold day in hell before I do gingerbread houses with other people's kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could do broadgames but the cousins lack the attention span to really participate.

so get some easier games--who doesn't love hungry hungry hippos, checkers, connect four, spot it etc? Easy for all ages and they're over with quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish we could do broadgames but the cousins lack the attention span to really participate.

so get some easier games--who doesn't love hungry hungry hippos, checkers, connect four, spot it etc? Easy for all ages and they're over with quick.

That is all great for short periods of time, but you also let the teens be teens and respect their personalities. The worst thing you can do is force the "cousins bonding." It's fine to expect some special time, but the grandparents are unreasonable. There are 2 extremes where the age difference doesn't matter at all-an overly nurturing teen who just loves playing babysitter or mom, or a developmentally delayed teen who enjoys the same things as younger kids. One of our teens is developmentally delayed and we push her to take teen time because it can be creepy for a teenager to be that close with younger cousins and not playing a more mature role. We work with a clinician who helps us push out child gently developmentally while being reasonable. In the real world others will find it creepy when you take too much of an interest in those who should be a different developmental stage unless you are playing a supervisory role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just had a bunch of cousins together recently. Ages were 2, 6, 9, 13 and 17. I was very impressed the two oldest girls never took out their phones once in five hours. The oldest three brought toy cars and magna-tiles, which helped break the ice, but mostly they were rolling around on the floor and doing quasi yoga poses and gymnastics, or sitting on the couch reading books.

OP here. My daughter can play with them great for a few hours or a day visit. It’s the weeklong stay that I’m worried about!

She doesn’t need to play with them nonstop. She can also bond with other relatives who are adults, do errands with you, read, etc.

My in-laws get upset when she doesn’t play with them nonstop and takes a break to read, watch some videos, etc. They tell her that she only sees them a few times a year and so should play with them and that she can read when she’s alone our home!

Tell them they’re out of line. It’s not your daughter’s job to entertain her cousins.

+ 1. My kids only cousins are my sister’s kids who are 3 and 6 years younger than my oldest. My sister used to want us to always get the “cousins together” which I was for years completely on board to do but it because clear my sister just wanted free childcare and either I was stuck watching her kids or if it was busy cooking or working she (and my mother) expected my oldest DD to babysit them. They are also incredibly misbehaved and can be violent (kick, bite, hit, throw things at you) and my kids now don’t even want to see them at all. My sister and mother tried this as recent as August for a weekend visit.

Stop assuming the oldest cousin wants to babysit.

[Anonymous]

My SIL used to insist that our kids babysit her daughter. If my kids tried to swim in the ocean during our beach vacation, for example, SIL would say, "Poor Larla (her daughter). Poor, poor Larla."

I ended up paying my kids to babysit Larla a few hours a day, and then encouraging them to just dive into the ocean other times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just had a bunch of cousins together recently. Ages were 2, 6, 9, 13 and 17. I was very impressed the two oldest girls never took out their phones once in five hours. The oldest three brought toy cars and magna-tiles, which helped break the ice, but mostly they were rolling around on the floor and doing quasi yoga poses and gymnastics, or sitting on the couch reading books.

OP here. My daughter can play with them great for a few hours or a day visit. It’s the weeklong stay that I’m worried about!

She doesn’t need to play with them nonstop. She can also bond with other relatives who are adults, do errands with you, read, etc.

My in-laws get upset when she doesn’t play with them nonstop and takes a break to read, watch some videos, etc. They tell her that she only sees them a few times a year and so should play with them and that she can read when she’s alone our home!

Then you are going to have to stand up to them and ensure that your daughter gets a break.

They don’t even let her call her friends on her phone. They say it’s ‘family time’ now and to save friends for later. Ugh

And what are you doing when your in laws are doing this? Who is the parent?

Some of these things - like no phone - make sense for short visits. But your in laws aren’t the ones who get to make that decision. And the rules need to change when you are all together for an extended period of time. Are you afraid of your in laws? Why can’t you tell them that your daughter needs a break or that they are not in charge of her phone use?

Well since this upcoming visit will take place at my home instead of at the in-laws house, I feel like I can say ‘our house, our rules’ to them. It’s a bit more difficult to do when we are at their house.

Especially since this visit is at your house use this is a the time to set some boundaries with your ILs as it relates to how much time your DD spends playing with her cousins. I’m the oldest cousin, and my cousins range in age from 6 years younger than me to 20 years younger than me. I loved the babysitting role and played with the little kids constantly when I was a tween, but when I got into my teens it lost its luster a little bit. Make sure your DD is able to get a break and that her aunts/uncles aren’t planning on just dumping their kids on her to supervise for the entire visit.

I kind of think you should make some officially plans for her a couple times during the visit,if she wants, just to help her have a break. Maybe go to a friend's for a couple hours or do some fun class/workshop more appropriate for her age.

Your in-laws are going to ruin the relationship bw cousins. You should talk to them about that but without the kids around.