Big age gap between cousins

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We just had a bunch of cousins together recently. Ages were 2, 6, 9, 13 and 17. I was very impressed the two oldest girls never took out their phones once in five hours. The oldest three brought toy cars and magna-tiles, which helped break the ice, but mostly they were rolling around on the floor and doing quasi yoga poses and gymnastics, or sitting on the couch reading books.

OP here. My daughter can play with them great for a few hours or a day visit. It’s the weeklong stay that I’m worried about!

She doesn’t need to play with them nonstop. She can also bond with other relatives who are adults, do errands with you, read, etc.

My in-laws get upset when she doesn’t play with them nonstop and takes a break to read, watch some videos, etc. They tell her that she only sees them a few times a year and so should play with them and that she can read when she’s alone our home!

Then you are going to have to stand up to them and ensure that your daughter gets a break.

They don’t even let her call her friends on her phone. They say it’s ‘family time’ now and to save friends for later. Ugh

And what are you doing when your in laws are doing this? Who is the parent?

Some of these things - like no phone - make sense for short visits. But your in laws aren’t the ones who get to make that decision. And the rules need to change when you are all together for an extended period of time. Are you afraid of your in laws? Why can’t you tell them that your daughter needs a break or that they are not in charge of her phone use?

Well since this upcoming visit will take place at my home instead of at the in-laws house, I feel like I can say ‘our house, our rules’ to them. It’s a bit more difficult to do when we are at their house.

Especially since this visit is at your house use this is a the time to set some boundaries with your ILs as it relates to how much time your DD spends playing with her cousins. I’m the oldest cousin, and my cousins range in age from 6 years younger than me to 20 years younger than me. I loved the babysitting role and played with the little kids constantly when I was a tween, but when I got into my teens it lost its luster a little bit. Make sure your DD is able to get a break and that her aunts/uncles aren’t planning on just dumping their kids on her to supervise for the entire visit.

I kind of think you should make some officially plans for her a couple times during the visit,if she wants, just to help her have a break. Maybe go to a friend's for a couple hours or do some fun class/workshop more appropriate for her age.

Your in-laws are going to ruin the relationship bw cousins. You should talk to them about that but without the kids around.

This. Your husband needs to be the one to confront them. Whenever relatives force things and refuse to allow people to be their own individuals it sabotages relationships. They need to respect teens as individuals. Fine to expect some special time with much younger cousins (Yes, it is a big age gap at this stage), not fine to insist all time be spent together. They are creating a recipe for resentment and worst case scenario estrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just had a bunch of cousins together recently. Ages were 2, 6, 9, 13 and 17. I was very impressed the two oldest girls never took out their phones once in five hours. The oldest three brought toy cars and magna-tiles, which helped break the ice, but mostly they were rolling around on the floor and doing quasi yoga poses and gymnastics, or sitting on the couch reading books.

OP here. My daughter can play with them great for a few hours or a day visit. It’s the weeklong stay that I’m worried about!

She doesn’t need to play with them nonstop. She can also bond with other relatives who are adults, do errands with you, read, etc.

My in-laws get upset when she doesn’t play with them nonstop and takes a break to read, watch some videos, etc. They tell her that she only sees them a few times a year and so should play with them and that she can read when she’s alone our home!

Then you are going to have to stand up to them and ensure that your daughter gets a break.

They don’t even let her call her friends on her phone. They say it’s ‘family time’ now and to save friends for later. Ugh

I guess there’s nothing you can do. Someone who isn’t her parents made a rule for her. I guess you need to enforce it. It doesn’t seem like there’s any way around it. Maybe you should ask your in-laws to hold onto her phone so she’s not tempted to have a social life during the holidays, and have them recommend things for the kids to do together, since they get to make all the decisions.