Am I Doing the Right Thing? Hoco "After Parties"

[Anonymous]

Our 14yo DS (he'll be 15yo in a couple of weeks) is going to a party after the dance. We'll take him and pick him up by midnight. The hosting family reached out and let parents know the plan (fire pit, smores, some food) and while it's co-ed it's not all ages, just freshman.

[Anonymous]

I would not let my 14-year-old go either. You don’t know this family and you don’t know who else will be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14 year olds can’t possibly have parents out of town, could they? I imagine they will be around and this party isn’t going to be a crazy kegger like this is 16 Candles, that I feel like some are imagining here.

If I picked up, I’d be ok with it.

You should not assume it ever matters if parents are home. There are many parents who do not care at all what goes on in their home while they are sitting in it. It’s the mindset of at least I know they’re in my house and safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:14 year olds can’t possibly have parents out of town, could they? I imagine they will be around and this party isn’t going to be a crazy kegger like this is 16 Candles, that I feel like some are imagining here.

If I picked up, I’d be ok with it.

You should not assume it ever matters if parents are home. There are many parents who do not care at all what goes on in their home while they are sitting in it. It’s the mindset of at least I know they’re in my house and safe.

Yes, yes, yes.
This has been eye opening to us as parents.
Lots of parents are fine with alcohol at 14. As long as the kids are safely in a home (theirs or others).
It is striking but it fairly prevalent attitude. This is in NW DC/close-in Bethesda.

[Anonymous]

I would (and have, 4 times!) let my 14 year old go - it’s a special, fun occasion in their high school career. If I didn’t know the host, I called first and did pick up by 12 pm. I knew my kids (none were the wild extroverts) and trusted them to make good decisions. If they didn’t, there would have been consequences but that was not an issue. These parties are a lot more to worry about sophomore year, and definitely junior/senior year. Freshman year was probably the year we were most confident there would be fewer temptations and risks.

[Anonymous]

I genuinely curious what parents actually volunteer to host these parties? A bunch of teens, that I don't even know, hanging out in my basement starting at 1030pm --- no thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I genuinely curious what parents actually volunteer to host these parties? A bunch of teens, that I don't even know, hanging out in my basement starting at 1030pm --- no thank you.

I'm wondering if it's houses where parents are out of town. The big rager in our neck of the woods that happened recently was at a house where the parents weren't home.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't unless I knew the family and knew the parents would be there. I mean, I'm old, but based on my high school experience, after parties can range anywhere from kids just sitting around talking to drinking, weed and sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t let them go at 14 if you didn’t know the person. Those parties are where kids get into trouble.

Agree with this. I wouldn’t let my DD or my DS go at 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS 14 (freshman) is furious with us because we have said that she cannot attend a freshman after-party following her school's homecoming dance in a week or so. Invitation came from a girl she doesn't really know or hang out with and was issued only (I suspect) because DD's "date" to the dance is a friend of this host's twin brother. (I say "date" because they are really just meeting up at the dance and going in together - that's about as involved as these homecoming dates are, as far as I can tell.)

I've told DD that I will drive her to the dance and pick her up there when it's over at 10:30. I think that's a plenty late curfew for a 14 year old.

Am I right in thinking that freshmen don't need to be hosting or going to after parties following homecoming? Her older sister did last year, but that was when she was a senior. It just seems too young to me to be doing this. I appreciate your thoughts DCUM.

If the parents are there then I think it's totally fine with a curfew of 12 or 1. And that it's kind of mean of you not to let her go. You need to remember that while your daughter is 14 she's still a high schooler. At my daughter's high school homecoming was a big deal for the freshmen and then as sophomores they did absolutely nothing for it. Let her have her fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not let my 14-year-old go either. You don’t know this family and you don’t know who else will be there.

Kids in HS go to kids houses and you don’t always know the kids.

If the soccer team had a cookout would you say she can’t go because you don’t know the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not let my 14-year-old go either. You don’t know this family and you don’t know who else will be there.

Kids in HS go to kids houses and you don’t always know the kids.

If the soccer team had a cookout would you say she can’t go because you don’t know the family?

Those are totally different scenarios.

[Anonymous]

I hosted a HOCO after party for my sophomore daughter last weekend. A group of kids came over super dressed up, changed into casual clothes (sweats and hoodies) and ate a bunch of popcorn and soda in our living room while watching movies. The biggest problem was when one of the bowls of popcorn dropped and my dog ate it. The other parents picked up their kids between 12:30 and 1am. I'm not saying every post-HOCO party is that wholesome, but they also aren't all the horror show that some posters seem to be imagining.

[Anonymous]

OP - your decision is reasonable. It doesn't need to be justified as perfect. Don't fret about this any longer.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like there are two general reasons you don't want to allow this: 1) You think she could "get into trouble" and 2) You want her to "have something to look forward to."

Trouble: As others have said, how is this any different than any other gathering? Seriously think about it. If you are picking her up, there is no car danger. And there is no more danger of any other activity simply because it is occurring after homecoming. (All of the normal precautions you would normally take- call the parents, don't leave, alcohol/drug reminders etc.)

What Next?: I don't think of parties, whenever they occur, as some type of "gateway drug" to more dangerous activity. And while I don't want to spoil my kid by giving them everything all at once, that is different from denying them the opportunity to make a memory because I think having the experience will make later experiences boring or something.

I encourage you to really think about WHY you don't want her to do this. Is it an actual danger or harm to her, or is it you having difficulty processing that you have a child of an age who may want to do these things? (I don't say that snarkily, it is something I have struggled with.)