Am I Doing the Right Thing? Hoco "After Parties"

[Anonymous]

DS 14 (freshman) is furious with us because we have said that she cannot attend a freshman after-party following her school's homecoming dance in a week or so. Invitation came from a girl she doesn't really know or hang out with and was issued only (I suspect) because DD's "date" to the dance is a friend of this host's twin brother. (I say "date" because they are really just meeting up at the dance and going in together - that's about as involved as these homecoming dates are, as far as I can tell.)

I've told DD that I will drive her to the dance and pick her up there when it's over at 10:30. I think that's a plenty late curfew for a 14 year old.

Am I right in thinking that freshmen don't need to be hosting or going to after parties following homecoming? Her older sister did last year, but that was when she was a senior. It just seems too young to me to be doing this. I appreciate your thoughts DCUM.

[Anonymous]

I also have a DS 14 who went to hoco a few weeks ago. I had no issue letting him go to the after party, picked him at at 12pm. Honestly, personally I think 10:30 is a bit early for a curfew, especially for a fun night like hoco. Granted, he is my youngest of 5, so maybe I am more lax these days. He doesn't go out every weekend, so we considered this a bit of a "special occasion".

Good luck with whatever you decide, I feel like I can't win with anything I do these days

[Anonymous]

We are going to allow our kid to go and pick up around midnight.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t let them go at 14 if you didn’t know the person. Those parties are where kids get into trouble.

[Anonymous]

I agree - no need for after parties this early on. You need to slowly level up the privileges so they have something to look forward to. Also, these kinds of things should go hand in hand with growing responsibility and maturity.

[Anonymous]

I would let your DD go. She seems like a good kid, as you didn't say otherwise. I just drive her to the party and pick her up at midnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree - no need for after parties this early on. You need to slowly level up the privileges so they have something to look forward to. Also, these kinds of things should go hand in hand with growing responsibility and maturity.

OP here. Thank you for articulating exactly what I was thinking, but somehow couldn't put to word! There is something about freshmen doing this sort of thing that bothers me. If they are starting with after parties this young, what will they be doing as juniors and seniors? Experience with older sister DC is clouded by Covid, but I know that we did not allow an after party following homecoming during freshman year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would let your DD go. She seems like a good kid, as you didn't say otherwise. I just drive her to the party and pick her up at midnight.

OP again. Yes, she's a good kid but, like every 14 year old in the DMV, she is immature and cares too much what other people think about her. I think the dance itself and having a "date" (described above) is enough for now.

[Anonymous]

You seem to have your mind made up but I let DC go to an after party at age 14, it was fine, and then the next year he didn't even want to go to a party. So assuming that going to a party at 14 will lead to outrageous partying in junior and senior year is not logical.

[Anonymous]

Trust is built like a Jenga tower, not a sandcastle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem to have your mind made up but I let DC go to an after party at age 14, it was fine, and then the next year he didn't even want to go to a party. So assuming that going to a party at 14 will lead to outrageous partying in junior and senior year is not logical.

This was my kids too. They went year one and then didn't want to go to parties sophomore year. They're very social kids but the homecoming parties are always sort of awkward and random.

[Anonymous]

No matter how much you allow her to do, she'll want to do more and be upset wherever you eventually draw a line. If you say she can go to the party, she'll ask to stay until 1am. If you say yes to that, she'll want to sleep over. If you let her sleep over, she'll want to do something the day after. It will never end. So just draw the line where you feel comfortable and don't worry about her being upset. Teenagers have been upset with their parents not giving them as much freedom as they want since forever.

[Anonymous]

As a freshman I was invited to a senior’s (co-Ed!) New Year’s Eve slumber party. We knew each other from the school literary magazine and drama club and were total nerds. I remember it as being exhausting but appreciating that I got to go. There were probably 40 people there.

I went to an all girls’ school and didn’t know many of the boys at our brother school well. But I’d gone to elementary with a few and did drama with others. As a jr one invited me to a dance as his “date” (we weren’t dating). After we went to the after party and my dad asked me to be home by some time (11:30? Midnight?)

My date’s car got parked in and I called my parents to say I couldn’t be home in time. My dad answered and he said “are you safe? Are you having fun? Would you like me to come get you?” When I said I was fine, having fun, and didn’t need him he said “we’ll see you later. Drive safel”. As a parent of a preteen, I hope I remember to use these questions in a similar circumstance if one arises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would let your DD go. She seems like a good kid, as you didn't say otherwise. I just drive her to the party and pick her up at midnight.

OP again. Yes, she's a good kid but, like every 14 year old in the DMV, she is immature and cares too much what other people think about her. I think the dance itself and having a "date" (described above) is enough for now.

Then why ask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No matter how much you allow her to do, she'll want to do more and be upset wherever you eventually draw a line. If you say she can go to the party, she'll ask to stay until 1am. If you say yes to that, she'll want to sleep over. If you let her sleep over, she'll want to do something the day after. It will never end. So just draw the line where you feel comfortable and don't worry about her being upset. Teenagers have been upset with their parents not giving them as much freedom as they want since forever.

Lol this is so true