Am I Doing the Right Thing? Hoco "After Parties"

[Anonymous]

14 year olds can’t possibly have parents out of town, could they? I imagine they will be around and this party isn’t going to be a crazy kegger like this is 16 Candles, that I feel like some are imagining here.

If I picked up, I’d be ok with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14 year olds can’t possibly have parents out of town, could they? I imagine they will be around and this party isn’t going to be a crazy kegger like this is 16 Candles, that I feel like some are imagining here.

If I picked up, I’d be ok with it.

This is where I’m at. If you’re picking up what are you afraid of? HOCO is a special occasion. This party isn’t a gateway to teen pregnancy. I think you’re being too harsh if she’s a good kid.

[Anonymous]

We allowed our HS freshman kids (twins, different parties) to attend after parties after calling the hosting parents to make sure they'd be home and somewhat monitoring the party.

I was told things like, "wow, you are the only one who's called," "yes, we are collecting backpacks at the door and the kids will be downstairs and backpacks upstairs," and the like. This gave me confidence that it would not be a free-for-all.

We also arranged a password with the kids: if they texted us X at any time, we would call them, state "there was a family emergency and we had to pick them up." That we would then pick them up, no questions asked.

[Anonymous]

Backpacks? 🤔

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We allowed our HS freshman kids (twins, different parties) to attend after parties after calling the hosting parents to make sure they'd be home and somewhat monitoring the party.

I was told things like, "wow, you are the only one who's called," "yes, we are collecting backpacks at the door and the kids will be downstairs and backpacks upstairs," and the like. This gave me confidence that it would not be a free-for-all.

We also arranged a password with the kids: if they texted us X at any time, we would call them, state "there was a family emergency and we had to pick them up." That we would then pick them up, no questions asked.

NP here. We did this when our kid was a sophomore… got the number and called, etc. We were also told we were the only parents who checked in.

(We said no her freshman year for the reasons stated in above posts. We didn’t think 14 was old enough yet, and that the dance itself was enough of a big step into high school.)

If you do let her go, I recommend calling. It put your mind at ease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree - no need for after parties this early on. You need to slowly level up the privileges so they have something to look forward to. Also, these kinds of things should go hand in hand with growing responsibility and maturity.

OP here. Thank you for articulating exactly what I was thinking, but somehow couldn't put to word! There is something about freshmen doing this sort of thing that bothers me. If they are starting with after parties this young, what will they be doing as juniors and seniors? Experience with older sister DC is clouded by Covid, but I know that we did not allow an after party following homecoming during freshman year.

But was your older child invited and you said no? If not these are entirely different situations. It isn’t fair to hold one kid back because an older one was less popular or mature or had a different friend group.

My issue with this sort of thing is how much it takes for parents to make it happen. Just on Hoco dance day alone, I’m supposed to drop kid at friend’s house to get ready and go back home. Then go back and hang out for almost two hours doing pictures. Then drive a bunch of kids to the dance. Then go home. Then pick kids up and take them wherever. Then go home. Then pick up kids and take them all home. All that driving is enough to make me think at saying no. But I’m going to say yes.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused, you are driving her to the dance and picking her up?

Does she have no friends?

You sound a little insane if you think 10:30 is a normal curfew for HOCO dance. What is your nationality/background?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree - no need for after parties this early on. You need to slowly level up the privileges so they have something to look forward to. Also, these kinds of things should go hand in hand with growing responsibility and maturity.

OP here. Thank you for articulating exactly what I was thinking, but somehow couldn't put to word! There is something about freshmen doing this sort of thing that bothers me. If they are starting with after parties this young, what will they be doing as juniors and seniors? Experience with older sister DC is clouded by Covid, but I know that we did not allow an after party following homecoming during freshman year.

I'd much rather my child go to a freshman after party than a junior/senior after party.

You are literally punishing her for something that she might do when she is a junior in HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14 year olds can’t possibly have parents out of town, could they? I imagine they will be around and this party isn’t going to be a crazy kegger like this is 16 Candles, that I feel like some are imagining here.

If I picked up, I’d be ok with it.

I know a couple of parents who give alcohol to their 13 and 14 year olds and others who turn a blind eye to their kids helping themselves to wine/beer. I wouldn’t be so sure.

[Anonymous]

I let my DD 14 yr old go to the after party and I took her and then picked her up at 11:30pm. I know the parents of the host well and they had communicated with all the parents that there would be absolutely NO alcohol, vaping or smoking allowed, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Backpacks? 🤔

Because kids bring alcohol, vape, etc in backpacks. It's not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Backpacks? 🤔

Is this a serious comment? That’s how they bring booze into your house right under your nose.

[Anonymous]

I would call the parents of the party and let her go and pick her up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14 year olds can’t possibly have parents out of town, could they? I imagine they will be around and this party isn’t going to be a crazy kegger like this is 16 Candles, that I feel like some are imagining here.

If I picked up, I’d be ok with it.

Based upon what I hear from our school, parents either are completely clueless or don't care.

[Anonymous]

The simple answer is to ask her to get the host parent' contact information so you can call and speak to them. If your daughter does not know this girl she will never ask her for the information because that would be mortifying. If your daughter has a group of friends you could offer to let her have a few girls sleep over after the dance. This gives them a chance to keep the fun of the night alive for a bit longer in a much more controlled environment.