How to gently ask MIL not to always include cousins?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. No, it's: Let's spend the morning at one teen's soccer game. Then let's check out the other teen's swim meet. Then let's go to the coffee shop where she works.

Oh, I see how it is. You're jealous because Granny is much more involved in the cousins' lives than she is in yours. You think Granny should drop all the support she provides for the other grandkids because your special snowflakes are visiting her.

[Anonymous]

As the DIL it’s not appropriate for you to be the one to bring this up. Either your kids are genuinely being given the raw end of the deal and you have a husband problem that he’s not willing to address it/stand up for them, or you’re making a mountain out of a molehill and should just let it go…no one on DCUM can objectively tell you which is the case.

[Anonymous]

Invite Grandma to your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. No, it's: Let's spend the morning at one teen's soccer game. Then let's check out the other teen's swim meet. Then let's go to the coffee shop where she works.

Oh, I see how it is. You're jealous because Granny is much more involved in the cousins' lives than she is in yours. You think Granny should drop all the support she provides for the other grandkids because your special snowflakes are visiting her.

I wouldn’t word it so harshly but there is truth to this response. Your MIL is involved in the day to day lives of her other grandkids and doesn’t think she needs to give up watching Larlo’s soccer game or Larla’s swim meet just because you and your family have decided to visit. Perhaps you should check with her before visiting to see what her plans are, and once you do pick a weekend to go visit make concrete plans (ie going to a museum, zoo, pumpkin patch, etc.) for some bonding time with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invite Grandma to your house.

It's a pretty safe bet OP is one of those DCUM posters who is super triggered if Grandma spends more than 15 minutes in her house, let alone the entire weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. No, it's: Let's spend the morning at one teen's soccer game. Then let's check out the other teen's swim meet. Then let's go to the coffee shop where she works.

Oh, I see how it is. You're jealous because Granny is much more involved in the cousins' lives than she is in yours. You think Granny should drop all the support she provides for the other grandkids because your special snowflakes are visiting her.

Watching teenaged soccer games and swim meets is boring for adults, let alone kids.

Grandma is clueless, lazy or both.

[Anonymous]

I think she just isn’t comfortable with younger kids

[Anonymous]

We have a very similar dynamic with my MIL. Our visits revolve around what her other (older, local) grandkids are doing. At the end of the day, it’s up to MIL what kind of relationship she wants to have with her non-local grandkids. It is what it is. I’d drop it especially if your DH and kids don’t care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. No, it's: Let's spend the morning at one teen's soccer game. Then let's check out the other teen's swim meet. Then let's go to the coffee shop where she works.

Oh, I see how it is. You're jealous because Granny is much more involved in the cousins' lives than she is in yours. You think Granny should drop all the support she provides for the other grandkids because your special snowflakes are visiting her.

No, you don't see how it is--but you do seem quite enraged! Namaste.

[Anonymous]

We have a similar situation. While I understand that there just is a closer relationship with local family, it’s nice for my kids to have some undivided attention from my MIL.
My kids ended up asking her for some time to do something together and she obliged once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. No, it's: Let's spend the morning at one teen's soccer game. Then let's check out the other teen's swim meet. Then let's go to the coffee shop where she works.

That’s different than just having all of them together. I thought she had them all over at her house to bake cookies!

Maybe ask her if there is a weekend where she isn’t busy with other commitments like swim meets and games so that you can go out with her and the kids. Or suggest going with her to a museum. Maybe if you help lead the itineraries your kids will get one on one time with grandmother.

Unlike a lot of these other people I don’t necessarily think it’s a jealousy issue per se. I don’t think it’s wrong to desire one on one time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the OP. No, it's: Let's spend the morning at one teen's soccer game. Then let's check out the other teen's swim meet. Then let's go to the coffee shop where she works.

That’s different than just having all of them together. I thought she had them all over at her house to bake cookies!

Maybe ask her if there is a weekend where she isn’t busy with other commitments like swim meets and games so that you can go out with her and the kids. Or suggest going with her to a museum. Maybe if you help lead the itineraries your kids will get one on one time with grandmother.

Unlike a lot of these other people I don’t necessarily think it’s a jealousy issue per se. I don’t think it’s wrong to desire one on one time.

NP. Great post, and I agree.

[Anonymous]

Who is initiating the visits? If it's you, stop. If she's inviting you, follow what others have suggested and ask when a good weekend would be, because you know she wants to be able to go to the games and you don't want your visit to be a conflict.

Do your kids mind going to their cousin's games? If they don't want to be there, don't go, or tell them you'll leave when they've had enough. Then follow through. If they like going, suck it up.

Keep your visits short. Are you staying overnight? Have a fun dinner with Grandma, have breakfast, and when she announces that it's time for her to go to Larlo's soccer game, either hit the road or see a little of it on your way out of town. It's two hours away -- don't make it a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL lives two hours away. My DH's sister and her kids live in the next town from my MIL.
Whenever we visit, she arranges for the cousins to also be there. They are much older than my kids (older teens versus elementary schoolers) and naturally just take up more attention. She also sees them all the time. Occasionally I'd like my kids to visit with their grandmother and have special outings that don't also include the teenagers, but I don't know how to convey this diplomatically. It feels like my kids get short shrift a bit.
DH is doesn't care one way or the other. I've never said anything but I'm wondering if I could ever tactfully bring it up.

The older cousins take up more attention? Your kids may be younger now but when they are grown, age will be irrelevant but they will have a good relationship with their cousins and this is a good thing.

Frankly. The only person who sounds unhappy is you

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. Like others have noted, the grandmas are just naturally closer to their daughter's kids. Plus they live close by so had more time to deepen their relationship.

It sucks but it is what it is. You either have to invite grandma to your house for visits or come up with ideas of what to do while at her place. You will need to be the one to try to foster the relationship between grandma and grandkids without their older cousins around.

Does it bother the kids? Even if it doesn't appear to, I am a believer that sub-consciously kids are indeed picking up on stuff.