Fostering a relationship between mom and my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

And by the way, your story sounds like it could have written by me. I have many similar stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

You need a new therapist. Or else you need to tell this one that you want to focus on your own depression and ability to stand up for yourself, and not on repairing your relationship with your mom, and if he doesn't respect that, then you need a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

You need a new therapist. Or else you need to tell this one that you want to focus on your own depression and ability to stand up for yourself, and not on repairing your relationship with your mom, and if he doesn't respect that, then you need a new therapist.

I was hoping for more clarity, but I'm even more confused, and feeling guilty and burdened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

You need a new therapist. Or else you need to tell this one that you want to focus on your own depression and ability to stand up for yourself, and not on repairing your relationship with your mom, and if he doesn't respect that, then you need a new therapist.

I was hoping for more clarity, but I'm even more confused, and feeling guilty and burdened.

When I said she never makes an effort, he kept making excuses for her - he spouted off a litany of them. When I said my mom said I have the biggest influence over how my kids act towards her, he agreed with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

PP that you quoted... you need a new therapist. My therapist has taught me that you don't owe crappy parents a relationship. I have not (and will not) go no contact, but we are very low contact and my parents come after me for that (all very selfishly, all about them, just wanting constant attention) and I've learned that I can't change how they feel and I need to protect myself and my DD first and foremost.

Even yesterday, my DD made a comment that her grandma (my mom) doesn't care about her because she saw my MIL do something thoughtful/kind for her. She asked me "why doesn't grandma do that too? it seems like she doesn't care about me." It's heartbreaking to hear a young kid say these things. But I ALWAYS validate her feelings. My mom truly thinks a young child should be making the effort with her (just like she thinks only I should make an effort in our relationship) and I can see just how screwed up that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

PP that you quoted... you need a new therapist. My therapist has taught me that you don't owe crappy parents a relationship. I have not (and will not) go no contact, but we are very low contact and my parents come after me for that (all very selfishly, all about them, just wanting constant attention) and I've learned that I can't change how they feel and I need to protect myself and my DD first and foremost.

Even yesterday, my DD made a comment that her grandma (my mom) doesn't care about her because she saw my MIL do something thoughtful/kind for her. She asked me "why doesn't grandma do that too? it seems like she doesn't care about me." It's heartbreaking to hear a young kid say these things. But I ALWAYS validate her feelings. My mom truly thinks a young child should be making the effort with her (just like she thinks only I should make an effort in our relationship) and I can see just how screwed up that is.

I still feel conflicted and upset. My therapist suggested I take a trip to just see her on my own, without the kids, since that is what she really wants foremost, time with me. And to just sit and listen to her. I said, that's what I do all the time on our phone calls - she talks and talks for hours while I listen to her problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

PP that you quoted... you need a new therapist. My therapist has taught me that you don't owe crappy parents a relationship. I have not (and will not) go no contact, but we are very low contact and my parents come after me for that (all very selfishly, all about them, just wanting constant attention) and I've learned that I can't change how they feel and I need to protect myself and my DD first and foremost.

Even yesterday, my DD made a comment that her grandma (my mom) doesn't care about her because she saw my MIL do something thoughtful/kind for her. She asked me "why doesn't grandma do that too? it seems like she doesn't care about me." It's heartbreaking to hear a young kid say these things. But I ALWAYS validate her feelings. My mom truly thinks a young child should be making the effort with her (just like she thinks only I should make an effort in our relationship) and I can see just how screwed up that is.

I still feel conflicted and upset. My therapist suggested I take a trip to just see her on my own, without the kids, since that is what she really wants foremost, time with me. And to just sit and listen to her. I said, that's what I do all the time on our phone calls - she talks and talks for hours while I listen to her problems.

No one, especially a therapist, should encourage a one way relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

PP that you quoted... you need a new therapist. My therapist has taught me that you don't owe crappy parents a relationship. I have not (and will not) go no contact, but we are very low contact and my parents come after me for that (all very selfishly, all about them, just wanting constant attention) and I've learned that I can't change how they feel and I need to protect myself and my DD first and foremost.

Even yesterday, my DD made a comment that her grandma (my mom) doesn't care about her because she saw my MIL do something thoughtful/kind for her. She asked me "why doesn't grandma do that too? it seems like she doesn't care about me." It's heartbreaking to hear a young kid say these things. But I ALWAYS validate her feelings. My mom truly thinks a young child should be making the effort with her (just like she thinks only I should make an effort in our relationship) and I can see just how screwed up that is.

I still feel conflicted and upset. My therapist suggested I take a trip to just see her on my own, without the kids, since that is what she really wants foremost, time with me. And to just sit and listen to her. I said, that's what I do all the time on our phone calls - she talks and talks for hours while I listen to her problems.

No one, especially a therapist, should encourage a one way relationship.

I think he is concerned about her. That she doesn't have emotional support and that I am her only lifeline and person that she feels comfortable talking to her problems to. He says I have a therapist I can talk to - she does not. I have resources available to me, she does not. I am able to go and drive to meet friends, while she does not. And it's clear she's very depressed and sad, so I think he is worried about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

PP that you quoted... you need a new therapist. My therapist has taught me that you don't owe crappy parents a relationship. I have not (and will not) go no contact, but we are very low contact and my parents come after me for that (all very selfishly, all about them, just wanting constant attention) and I've learned that I can't change how they feel and I need to protect myself and my DD first and foremost.

Even yesterday, my DD made a comment that her grandma (my mom) doesn't care about her because she saw my MIL do something thoughtful/kind for her. She asked me "why doesn't grandma do that too? it seems like she doesn't care about me." It's heartbreaking to hear a young kid say these things. But I ALWAYS validate her feelings. My mom truly thinks a young child should be making the effort with her (just like she thinks only I should make an effort in our relationship) and I can see just how screwed up that is.

I still feel conflicted and upset. My therapist suggested I take a trip to just see her on my own, without the kids, since that is what she really wants foremost, time with me. And to just sit and listen to her. I said, that's what I do all the time on our phone calls - she talks and talks for hours while I listen to her problems.

No one, especially a therapist, should encourage a one way relationship.

I think he is concerned about her. That she doesn't have emotional support and that I am her only lifeline and person that she feels comfortable talking to her problems to. He says I have a therapist I can talk to - she does not. I have resources available to me, she does not. I am able to go and drive to meet friends, while she does not. And it's clear she's very depressed and sad, so I think he is worried about her.

Maybe YOUR therapist should be worried about YOU

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

What kind of crisis do you feel you are going through? I hear lots of emotions being churned up that you are used to keep locked down. But what crises?

I wonder if your therapist is trying to get you to see that you have much more power in your relationship with your mother and in her relationship with your children than you realize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

PP that you quoted... you need a new therapist. My therapist has taught me that you don't owe crappy parents a relationship. I have not (and will not) go no contact, but we are very low contact and my parents come after me for that (all very selfishly, all about them, just wanting constant attention) and I've learned that I can't change how they feel and I need to protect myself and my DD first and foremost.

Even yesterday, my DD made a comment that her grandma (my mom) doesn't care about her because she saw my MIL do something thoughtful/kind for her. She asked me "why doesn't grandma do that too? it seems like she doesn't care about me." It's heartbreaking to hear a young kid say these things. But I ALWAYS validate her feelings. My mom truly thinks a young child should be making the effort with her (just like she thinks only I should make an effort in our relationship) and I can see just how screwed up that is.

I still feel conflicted and upset. My therapist suggested I take a trip to just see her on my own, without the kids, since that is what she really wants foremost, time with me. And to just sit and listen to her. I said, that's what I do all the time on our phone calls - she talks and talks for hours while I listen to her problems.

No one, especially a therapist, should encourage a one way relationship.

I think he is concerned about her. That she doesn't have emotional support and that I am her only lifeline and person that she feels comfortable talking to her problems to. He says I have a therapist I can talk to - she does not. I have resources available to me, she does not. I am able to go and drive to meet friends, while she does not. And it's clear she's very depressed and sad, so I think he is worried about her.

Maybe YOUR therapist should be worried about YOU

Yeah honestly I’m flummoxed. I’m not sure if he was having an off day or what. I think part of it is he has grown adult children so maybe he identifies more with my parents. But he was so clearly advocating and making excuses for her and ignoring all of my concerns. Maybe it IS time for a new therapist. I don’t even know how that works. How do you switch? Do you have to “break up”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

PP that you quoted... you need a new therapist. My therapist has taught me that you don't owe crappy parents a relationship. I have not (and will not) go no contact, but we are very low contact and my parents come after me for that (all very selfishly, all about them, just wanting constant attention) and I've learned that I can't change how they feel and I need to protect myself and my DD first and foremost.

Even yesterday, my DD made a comment that her grandma (my mom) doesn't care about her because she saw my MIL do something thoughtful/kind for her. She asked me "why doesn't grandma do that too? it seems like she doesn't care about me." It's heartbreaking to hear a young kid say these things. But I ALWAYS validate her feelings. My mom truly thinks a young child should be making the effort with her (just like she thinks only I should make an effort in our relationship) and I can see just how screwed up that is.

I still feel conflicted and upset. My therapist suggested I take a trip to just see her on my own, without the kids, since that is what she really wants foremost, time with me. And to just sit and listen to her. I said, that's what I do all the time on our phone calls - she talks and talks for hours while I listen to her problems.

No one, especially a therapist, should encourage a one way relationship.

I think he is concerned about her. That she doesn't have emotional support and that I am her only lifeline and person that she feels comfortable talking to her problems to. He says I have a therapist I can talk to - she does not. I have resources available to me, she does not. I am able to go and drive to meet friends, while she does not. And it's clear she's very depressed and sad, so I think he is worried about her.

Maybe YOUR therapist should be worried about YOU

did your therapist say he was worried about her or are you extrapolating your feelings on to his observations? Or show you how you are in a good position to take care of your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

You need a new therapist. Or else you need to tell this one that you want to focus on your own depression and ability to stand up for yourself, and not on repairing your relationship with your mom, and if he doesn't respect that, then you need a new therapist.

Yes, I agree. I wonder what you've told the therapist your goals are. I mean your post is about trying to foster a better relationship between you and your mother and your kids. Did you say that to the therapist too? Is that actually your goal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life.

How has therapy helped you? I feel like my therapy has only made it worse. One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism. But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family. It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom. But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today. I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me. When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.

You need a new therapist. Or else you need to tell this one that you want to focus on your own depression and ability to stand up for yourself, and not on repairing your relationship with your mom, and if he doesn't respect that, then you need a new therapist.

Yes, I agree. I wonder what you've told the therapist your goals are. I mean your post is about trying to foster a better relationship between you and your mother and your kids. Did you say that to the therapist too? Is that actually your goal?

No, I said I felt like all this time I had been acting under the assumption she wanted a closer relationship with my kids and me, but now I was questioning everything. Whether she even wants that…. Or whether she just wants me to take care of her and get my kids to take care of her. And her tactics have been manipulative. I’ve realized everyone I “take care of” or pay attention to in her presence, she ends up attacking their character. Saying things like they are angry with her because she didn’t give them enough gifts or money or something similar. It upsets her to see me pay more attention to my kids than to her.