Reply to Fostering a relationship between mom and my kids

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Fostering a relationship between mom and my kids"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I could've written this (though my mom is a native english speaker and still acts like what you describe). I'm so sorry. My mom has told me something is wrong with my child because she cried when she was 3 because she was scared of the dark. Told me I should take her to a psychologist and that I'm not a good parent.

My DD also has a MUCH stronger relationship with my ILs. I'm grateful for it, but it breaks my heart too. My ILs would spend every weekend with her, but my parents never ask to see her. Even when they see her (with us present) they barely even speak to her and she's 7 now and can carry on a conversation (and does with other adults). They also don't seem to know what grade she is in. They show ZERO interest in her. And she notices now. She says her grandparents don't like her or care about her and then my parents have the nerve to complain that she likes my ILs better. Yeah, she does because they try with her. They talk to her, ask her to spend the night, do fun things with her, come to her activities, call her, etc. My parents do none of those things, so it's shocking to me that they are surprised.

Sorry, I don't have advice, just commiseration. All I've done is set boundaries big time and shut down the snarky comments. But honestly, it's not helped the situation, if anything they punish us all more because of it. But with a LOT of therapy, I've realized it's a them thing and I can't control their actions and I can't fix the situation. That's helped me achieve a little peace, but it's one of the most hurtful things I've ever had to deal with in my life. [/quote]

How has therapy helped you?  I feel like my therapy has only made it worse.  One thing I have learned I need to be better at setting boundaries with criticism.  But I feel as though my therapist keeps putting the onus on me to help my mom with her problems - to help be the bridge to develop the relationship with her grandchildren, to think more creatively about opportunities I can make to help develop that relationship, to help her through her end of life crisis and fear that she will be leaving this earth without feeling loved by her family.  It seems like he does not want me to lose hope for a better connection with my mom.  But it's been such a hard thing to hold on to.

I had a crappy session today.  I felt like he 100 percent empathized more with my mom than with me.  When I shared that I felt like I was going through a crisis, he said he thought it was my mom having the crisis.[/quote]

PP that you quoted... you need a new therapist. My therapist has taught me that you don't owe crappy parents a relationship. I have not (and will not) go no contact, but we are very low contact and my parents come after me for that (all very selfishly, all about them, just wanting constant attention) and I've learned that I can't change how they feel and I need to protect myself and my DD first and foremost.

Even yesterday, my DD made a comment that her grandma (my mom) doesn't care about her because she saw my MIL do something thoughtful/kind for her. She asked me "why doesn't grandma do that too? it seems like she doesn't care about me." It's heartbreaking to hear a young kid say these things. But I ALWAYS validate her feelings. My mom truly thinks a young child should be making the effort with her (just like she thinks only I should make an effort in our relationship) and I can see just how screwed up that is.[/quote]

I still feel conflicted and upset.  My therapist suggested I take a trip to just see her on my own, without the kids, since that is what she really wants foremost, time with me.  And to just sit and listen to her.  I said, that's what I do all the time on our phone calls - she talks and talks for hours while I listen to her problems.  [/quote]

No one, especially a therapist, should encourage a one way relationship. [/quote]

I think he is concerned about her.   That she doesn't have emotional support and that I am her only lifeline and person that she feels comfortable talking to her problems to.  He says I have a therapist I can talk to - she does not.  I have resources available to me, she does not. I am able to go and drive to meet friends, while she does not.  And it's clear she's very depressed and sad, so I think he is worried about her.[/quote]

Maybe YOUR therapist should be worried about YOU[/quote]

Yeah honestly I’m flummoxed. I’m not sure if he was having an off day or what. I think part of it is he has grown adult children so maybe he identifies more with my parents. But he was so clearly advocating and making excuses for her and ignoring all of my concerns. Maybe it IS time for a new therapist. I don’t even know how that works. How do you switch? Do you have to “break up”?[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics