Friend attributing my DD's acceptance to her "feeder school"

[Anonymous]

OP here. I care a lot about this friend, and while not in her shoes am trying to see her perspective and give her a break for what is, in my view, mean behavior. I haven't been too detailed because I don't want to risk her knowing this is she I'm writing about. Suffice it to say, several of the comments (and the tone in particular) have been over the top. Again, a complete surprise coming from her.

I certainly understand some of the issues that may be more pronounced for WOHMs. Other than a brief stint at home that corresponded with when I was looking at preschools, I've been a WOHM for years. I've felt that I've missed the boat in a sense on any number of things. This year, I was stressed and completely forgot several events, including a school party I was expected to attend. And I was grouchy and anxious about a work issue for a good two months straight over the winter.

I'm thankful for the advice to be gracious, which is always a good reminder to hear, especially in regards to a good friend who likely has bigger issues. I just hope this passes soon. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was one of the posters who questioned if you were gloating to your friend and your subsequent posts have convinced me that you certainly don't intend. You might want to go back and read your OP and compare it to your last few posts. There is a huge difference in the way you describe your thoughts about your friend your discussions with her. Not sure which tone you brought to those conversations, but this does seem to be a very difficult situation for both of you. I;m sorry.

[Anonymous]

You forgot to add - "Warning: Long Post"

Anonymous wrote:My DD was accepted to several schools this spring, including a school that was our first choice. It was also the first choice of a friend, whose DD was not accepted there. My friend has started making statements that I think are plain mean. She keeps saying that she didn't know about feeder schools (because she is so busy working) and that we're so lucky that I knew about feeder schools (because i took time off and had time to research). She has brushed up against saying that I sent my DD to a feeder school so that she would get into a particular elementary school, but hasn't been that direct. She has also said that she decided where to send her child to preschool where she thought it would be the best experience for her DD, but that she would have "done what I did" if she had realized.

I am offended and sad in so many ways. I have been giving my friend slack because she has been a good friend for years and is, really, a good friend. This is not the way she usually behaves, but these assumptions and criticisms are increasing. She also has her own issues relating to schools, and is still trying to make a final decision on what they will do next year. She is also the person in her family mainly responsible for all research and decisions about schools, and I've heard indirectly through another friend that her husband is pissed and thinks that my friend blew off the school thing and that it has limited their choices and may be forcing them to move, which is a big deal to them. But, I'm getting tired of silently listening to this sh--. She knows me, knows my values, and I think has just decided she has a right to take her frustration out on me. She has even started saying things in front of my daughter, which is where I think I need to draw the line.

Our kids were applying to the same grade, and of course we hoped they'd both be accepted. I'm beginning to think it's a good thing they won't be together, though, because I'd hate to be dealing with this type of behavior every time my daughter is given an opportunity (whether through luck, hard work, talent, or some combination) that her daughter isn't.

There are lots of disappointing things about the school application process, and I was ready for endless open houses and tours I wasn't prepared for this, though, and it is not good.

[Anonymous]

I think I would call her on it when she says something.

In a firm but gentle way, you can say, "Lisa, when you say these kinds of things, it offends me. I think we should take a break from all the school talk."

And go from there.

[Anonymous]

OP, one thing jumped out at me in your original post, which is that her husband is really dumping on her over this. You may not know all that is going on there. It sounds like, in addition to all the disappointment - not just on not getting the first choice but also that your girls won't be together, too - she may have a jerk (or worse) at home to deal with on this. School pain is hard enough - I know first hand, and we were not even trying to get our kid into the same school as someone else, and I didn't have the jerky husband factor either (at least not in that regard - LOL!).

For your own peace of mind, our kids are/were at a "feeder," and we did not get our first choice either time, so take comfort that you know your child was a good fit for the school, not just because she came from X feeder school. I do agree with the PPs about not saying anything in front of the kids - yours or hers.

[Anonymous]

Folks keep referring to these "feeder" preschools on this board. Which preschools are they?

[Anonymous]

What is wrong with sending a child to a school because it's a feeder school for the school one wants for upper grades? If the school is a good one, its being a feeder school is a bonus. Choosing a school for the education that it would give and choosing it for the entry to another school that it would give are not mutually exclusive.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything at this point. Her frustration is understandable but trying to vent to you is not. She is trying to figure out what you guys did that she didn't do and the only thing she came up with is that she's decided it must be because of the feeder school. She's trying to reconcile it in her own mind to make the rejection a little easier to swallow.
What I would do is - the next time she brings up feeder schools and how your daughter got in because of it, simply say, "I'm sure feeder schools is one criteria but I don't think it's the sole criteria that this school looks at." Or you could take the high moral ground and say, "These schools decisions are a mystery to me too, who really knows what they look at." It will diffuse her anger to some extent and hopefully she'll eventually drop it.

[Anonymous]

One thought - before you do the "when you say blank, it makes me feel blank," acknowledge what you hear from her in terms of her pain, frustration, pressure & sadness.

At the end of the day, there are so many qualified children but so few spots. Her child was probably a strong candidate like yours - but there is an element of luck of the draw.

[Anonymous]

Hello OP,
I'm the one who suggested you re-read your first paragraph. It's clear you're glossing over some of her comments in case she reads this. Anyway if this continues I would tell her that you are very sorry but it's making you feel uncomfortable and emphasize that there is luck in this and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

19:45 here. One more thought, just agree that you were aware that the pre-school you chose for dd had a strong reputation and subsequently have learned that schools were aware of its strengths. Acknowledge that you wish she had known too.

There are many outstanding schools in this city and I am sure it will work out for your friend's child and the issue will go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks keep referring to these "feeder" preschools on this board. Which preschools are they?

NCRC, St Johns, Little Folks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Folks keep referring to these "feeder" preschools on this board. Which preschools are they?

NCRC, St Johns, Little Folks

So, are these schools somehow affiliated with desirable elementary schools, or is it more that they are more selective in their own right, and/or prepare kids better than other preschools for the admissions process?

[Anonymous]

They are not affiliated. They are selective, however, and they have good connections with the ADs at the most desired "ongoing" schools.

[Anonymous]

It's how many weeks after admissions decisions came out? First two weeks of venting/angst are free. But we're no longer in the venting zone.