Friend attributing my DD's acceptance to her "feeder school"

[Anonymous]

OP,
Re-read your first paragraph. I don't read anything meanspirited there. Maybe it's her tone? She's voicing regrets and disappointment. Anyway, school acceptances can strain friendships. Have you told her you're sorry? I'm not following why this is such a big deal. She feels like she mishandled this. She's upset.

[Anonymous]

Just admit it. You are thrilled your kid got in and her daughter didn't. Your ``complaint'' is pretty transparent. I have three kids in private school and i'm so glad i don't have to live through the petty acceptance crap that you are dealing with now. In your defense, i think its really hard not to be able to do a victory dance after such an emotional roller coaster.

[Anonymous]

I knew the mean comments would come eventually, and they have.

[Anonymous]

Let's face it...the friendship is over anyway. Your daughter is going to a new school and going to meet new friends. You will spend time with the moms of her new friends, and develop a stong friendship since you have the school in common (class socials, birthday parties, playdates, etc). You certainly can't talk about the new school with your old friend. Relationships run their course. Move on.

[Anonymous]

I meant "strong" relationship.

[Anonymous]

Try to ignore the mean posters here. I have gotten similar comments about my DD getting into our first choice school and also the first choice for some of my colleagues whose kids did not get in (and we did not go to a feeder school). In a few cases, they came from a parent whose feelings were genuinely hurt at their child being rejected and this I could tell from the tone of their comments. It is very hard to have your 4 year old rejected. So many kids at that age are just so amazing and fun that the rejection is just so tough. For these parents, I was sympathetic and , especially for one colleagure whose DD is adorable expressed my genuine surprise that their child was not also accepted at the first choice but did get into another school that might actually work better for them.

But then there were a few mean comments - including one very nasty about how the school that we eventually accepted for DD was good for kids with less personality!

[Anonymous]

I would draw the line at her making comments in front of your child. That's going too far and she needs to be told that.

[Anonymous]

"If you try to defend your admission by saying your daughter was accepted on merit alone it's kind of like saying her's didn't. "

This is exactly right, and gets exactly to the hard emotional part of this. OP, I think it is your job (or should have been your job) as the "winning" party to have gone out of your way to emphasize how little a kid's worth has to do with admissions. It is also your job to remain patient and compassionate while your friend sorts through the difficulties of this. I am with the above poster who said she didn't see anything particularly malicious in your friend's remarks, but rather just the stress of a working mom with a dick husband who feels like she's screwed things up for her kid.

The reality is that there are such things as feeder preschools; that moms who stay at home often have more time to devote to understanding the process & politics of schools; and that having your kid rejected while her friend gets in is a really tough spot to be in. In a way, her saying that she wishes she had known about preschools is an easy way out for both of you, had you decided to take it - she can attribute her lack of admission to the preschool, not her kid, and you can do the same. It costs you nothing and makes a world of difference to her.

I also agree with the poster above who wondered why you were making yourself out to be the victim. You were the lucky, successful one. Take that position of strength and use it to be generous to a wounded friend.

[Anonymous]

So, OP, why DID you pick your child's preschool? Did future schooling play any role in your decision?

[Anonymous]

This sort of "keeping up with the Jones" will happen throughout your child's life. Sometimes your child will be the one to come out on top +other times it will be the other child. Try not to gloat -- karma has a weird way of coming around.

We had a similar situation re: college acceptances. My child was a recruited athlete and she got into a top choice Ivy where others -- who had been scheming forever -- didn't. So many mean things were said about my daughter it was really sick. We never gloated. Our daughter didn't get into her first choice private school however when she was younger and she was the odd man out then.

So savor your good news but don't rub other people's faces in it.

[Anonymous]

I get OP's "complaint". She feels that her DC was well qualified to be accepted at her first choice private, and she resents anyone implying otherwise (i.e. "Your DC isn't that bright, she only got into School X, because she went to a feeder preschool." If someone said/implied that about my DC, I'd be ticked off too.

Anonymous wrote:Just admit it. You are thrilled your kid got in and her daughter didn't. Your ``complaint'' is pretty transparent. I have three kids in private school and i'm so glad i don't have to live through the petty acceptance crap that you are dealing with now. In your defense, i think its really hard not to be able to do a victory dance after such an emotional roller coaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get OP's "complaint". She feels that her DC was well qualified to be accepted at her first choice private, and she resents anyone implying otherwise (i.e. "Your DC isn't that bright, she only got into School X, because she went to a feeder preschool." If someone said/implied that about my DC, I'd be ticked off too.

Anonymous wrote:.

Yes, inside I would be ticked too...nobody wants to have their child's successes be trivialized, etc. But you have to look deeper here....her friend is trying to make sense of her child's loss. THis is traumatic for her. OP just needs to be patient and hopefully the comments will settle down in due time. Her friend will eventually find a good fit for her DD and life will go on.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely draw the line at saying ANYTHING in front of your child. Just a simple "do you mind if we talk about this another time" should do it if she's really your friend. ITA that the real problem seems to be her issues, not your situation. (You wouldn't believe the stuff I've had to listen to about having the "advantage" in admissions of being a minority, a SAHM with time to kill at open houses, blah blah blah )

Don't take it personally. Your friend sounds like she's got a lot going on with a possible move and maybe guilt (from the jerk husband perhaps?). This might just be a particularly bad stretch. We've all been there.

I feel fortunate to have friends who are very patient with my parental anxieties and vents. Some of them have also been honest enough to tell me when I need to get over it. That's part of what friends are for.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for your feedback. I certainly feel very bad for my friend, and hope that she pulls out of this (whatever this is in its entirety) quickly. What I'm most sad about is realizing that, when the chips are down, the instinct seems to be to strike out at me. We all have our bad times with friends, but this one came from out of the blue.

As for my comments to her, I've tried to be wholly supportive, which comes naturally because she is a close friend, we went through this stressful process together, her daughter is terrific, and I care a lot about their family. I'm just thrown for a loop. I don't think I've gloated at all. And I was totally with her when she started talk about how awful and unfair the process is (again, easy, because it is in my view largely true). But when it comes to saying that I sent my kid to a preschool just to get her into an elementary school, while she was only interested in her kid's education, it's just too much. It's not true, and she knows it. Which might all be fine for a while, but I don't think I should reasonably be expected to allow her attribute these motives to me, and to insult my kids, especially in front of them.

I agree completely that I should divert the subject when the kids are around. I also think that I will simply say what I think if/when she raises the topic again, which is that the process is awful, unfairnesses abound, but we are really glad our child we be at the school we wanted, that I hope the same works out for her, and that I'm really very sorry that she's going through this.

Someone asked why chose my DD's preschool. We've had many friends who've had kids there and loved it, we got a great vibe at the open house and play date, it is on my way to work, and it has great hours. It also has a lot of kids go to highly-regarded elementary schools (whether the "Big 3" or others). I did know a fair amount about the exmissions before we applied, and I'm glad that kids there often go to their top choice elementary school. The few preschools we looked at, though, all had comparable numbers of kids going to great elementary schools from what I could tell, so it's not as though that made any significant difference.

Anyway, I appreciate your comments. I'll speak my views about my motives and the process if necessary, but really just hope that blows over, quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Re-read your first paragraph. I don't read anything meanspirited there. Maybe it's her tone? She's voicing regrets and disappointment. Anyway, school acceptances can strain friendships. Have you told her you're sorry? I'm not following why this is such a big deal. She feels like she mishandled this. She's upset.

I have to agree.

I mean did you ever stop to think that your friend was actually not trying to tortue you with her comments but was actually lamenting her chocie? I have heard of feeder preschools and I am working mom and I do believe there is something to it. At a private in VA, I was directed to a certain preschool for my child because she didn't get into the K class one year. The next year she got in.