Friend attributing my DD's acceptance to her "feeder school"

[Anonymous]

My DD was accepted to several schools this spring, including a school that was our first choice. It was also the first choice of a friend, whose DD was not accepted there. My friend has started making statements that I think are plain mean. She keeps saying that she didn't know about feeder schools (because she is so busy working) and that we're so lucky that I knew about feeder schools (because i took time off and had time to research). She has brushed up against saying that I sent my DD to a feeder school so that she would get into a particular elementary school, but hasn't been that direct. She has also said that she decided where to send her child to preschool where she thought it would be the best experience for her DD, but that she would have "done what I did" if she had realized.

I am offended and sad in so many ways. I have been giving my friend slack because she has been a good friend for years and is, really, a good friend. This is not the way she usually behaves, but these assumptions and criticisms are increasing. She also has her own issues relating to schools, and is still trying to make a final decision on what they will do next year. She is also the person in her family mainly responsible for all research and decisions about schools, and I've heard indirectly through another friend that her husband is pissed and thinks that my friend blew off the school thing and that it has limited their choices and may be forcing them to move, which is a big deal to them. But, I'm getting tired of silently listening to this sh--. She knows me, knows my values, and I think has just decided she has a right to take her frustration out on me. She has even started saying things in front of my daughter, which is where I think I need to draw the line.

Our kids were applying to the same grade, and of course we hoped they'd both be accepted. I'm beginning to think it's a good thing they won't be together, though, because I'd hate to be dealing with this type of behavior every time my daughter is given an opportunity (whether through luck, hard work, talent, or some combination) that her daughter isn't.

There are lots of disappointing things about the school application process, and I was ready for endless open houses and tours I wasn't prepared for this, though, and it is not good.

[Anonymous]

You're friend is in pain and regrets the choice she made. Rise above it all. Don't turn it around and make it look like you are the victim.

[Anonymous]

If she's a close friend, can't you just say to her that you really understand her sadness/disappointment over her daughter not getting accepted, but that some of her comments about how you allegedly structured your daughter's educational path are hurtful to you? Offer support, as a good friend would, but establish boundaries. It's OK to talk these things out. Just do it politely and supportively. And if she does not respond in kind, it might be time to rethink the friendship.

[Anonymous]

So sorry to hear this. I've been through a similar experience. If you value the friendship, say something along the lines of "I know you're stressed re your DC's school situation, but do you really want to take it out on me? I'm not asking you to be happy for me/my DC; I'm just asking you not to be nasty/disparaging about it. If your DC had gotten in, I certainly wouldn't be suggesting to you or to her that she somehow didn't deserve it."

If that's the end of the friendship, so be it. I think a good friend's response would be to be apologetic and then to refrain from further comment (she might still think/feel the same way, but she'd be careful not to share those feeling with you or your DC). At which point, your challenge would be to find ways to share what's going on in your/DC's life without appearing to rub your friend's nose in it.

Didn't work for me -- I could tell that former friend would remain resentful, so I/we cut loose. It wasn't a pre-kids friendship, so it was sad but not devastating.

Good luck -- it's no fun.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, the school admissions process is brutal and a lot of us take it personally. Our DC was accepted at our first choice as well and we have received a few snide comments about it from a few friends and family members--but the vast majority of our friends and family really are happy for our DC.

I tried to put myself in your friend's shoes. If I were her, would I be upset that my child was rejected while another child was accepted? Yes. Would I take it out on you, because your child was a stronger candidate or because you put the research into finding a good preschool? No. She's out of line and you should let her know that.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for your friend--a lot of her comments sound like she feels responsible for her daughter not getting into the school of choice--and a full-time WOTH mom does not need more pressure in her life, esp with a husband who sounds like a jerk (he didn't do the research and prep, so he really shouldn't have much of a say in this). But ultimately, we all know that admissions to selective schools can be unpredictable. Even your daughter, OP, might not have been accepted, and I'm sure that you are aware of these odds. I would try to sympathize with your friend and emphasize that there is a large element of uncertainty with these things; that even a "feeder" preschool is no guarantee of admissions; and that her daughter should try in the later grades for admissions if she still feels the same way about the school.

I think to allow an unpredictable admissions decision to get in the way of an otherwise good friendship is giving way too much power to these schools.

[Anonymous]

I don't know whether a friendship can survive this kind of offense. Your friend's actions say a lot about her character. I don;t know that it necessarily would help to talk it out; some people do not repsond well to that. An attempt to talk could lead to an explosion. I would just ignore it until your friend gets over it, and see whether you can forgive her in the end.

[Anonymous]

I think you have silently let her vent her frustrations long enough. Your silence indicates you agree with her assessment. The private school selection process is imperfect and the results has a large luck factor ... your friend went into this process knowing that and probably still knows it. Her feelings have been hurt ... it's totally understandable and I'm sure we can all sympathize with those feelings. Being rejected is no fun, but having one's beloved child seemingly rejected is HORRIBLE. That said, it's time to openly express your feelings to her and give her a chance to regroup and hopefully apologize. Quietly waiting for her to come around has not worked. If openly and supportively discussing it with her doesn't work, then it is time to move on.

[Anonymous]

It's a tough situation for sure.

But, on the other hand if you say something your friend could get the impression that you think her child wasn't worthy of "your" school. If she believes that they didn't get in because her child didn't go to a feeder than that is her way of coping with a big disappointment.

If you try to defend your admission by saying your daughter was accepted on merit alone it's kind of like saying her's didn't.

I think you just need to leave it alone. Saying anything at all will only make it worse. Just be thankful for your family's good fortune. Your friend's school situation will eventually work out for the best and you'll both be able to put it behind you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have silently let her vent her frustrations long enough. Your silence indicates you agree with her assessment. The private school selection process is imperfect and the results has a large luck factor ... your friend went into this process knowing that and probably still knows it. Her feelings have been hurt ... it's totally understandable and I'm sure we can all sympathize with those feelings. Being rejected is no fun, but having one's beloved child seemingly rejected is HORRIBLE. That said, it's time to openly express your feelings to her and give her a chance to regroup and hopefully apologize. Quietly waiting for her to come around has not worked. If openly and supportively discussing it with her doesn't work, then it is time to move on.

YOu think this is worth ending a friendship over? I don't agree....it WILL pass. I wouldn't say anything.

[Anonymous]

Don't say anything. I can see it ending badly if you do.

[Anonymous]

The feeder school thing is largely a myth. It's more that the people who send their kids to schools like NCRC or Little Folks or whatever are the same people who will apply to STA, Sidwell.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that if she wants to know why her DC was not accepted, she should call the school directly and ask. Also remind her that since neither of you are on the admissions committee, neither of you have any insight as to how they made their decisions. You might add that it hurts your friendship/feelings, when she suggests that your child was not a good candidate and only got in because she went to a feeder school.

[Anonymous]

Of course, there will always be people who think like your friend. Rather than accept that DC has a zillion great private school applicants, they will say that your child only got in because of family connections, sibling status, legacy, minority status, socioeconomic status, feeder preschool, etc. But at the end of the day, after all of your friends sour grapes and whining, wouldn't you much rather prefer be in your position than hers?

[Anonymous]

Have you been telling your friend about all your fantastic efforts to find a feeder school for your DC, and all your great values putting the time into this, while she's wasting her time at work? If so, i think she's the one who should be venting about you.