Moving out after deciding on separation

[Anonymous]

So how does that work? Is one spouse responsible for paying the entire mortgage and another rent on a condo or something??
Do you split the cost of both?
This really sucks for people who can't take on another $2,000 a month payment easily

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took my XH about two months to find a place and move. He’d moved into the basement in the meantime. We were amicable and wanted to make sure he had a good living situation. It was a rough two months though.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I was separated for 2 years in the same house. Divorce took that long. COVID hit as divorce as final. I stayed in the house until I found a house to buy. That was another 18 months. So, yes, I was in the house even after the divorce.

You do not have to move to be separated. You can figure out permanent housing and then move. Or sell the house and both move.

OP here. Did you have kids? I know VA has strict laws regarding being separated under the same roof. Did you follow all of them for two years? That's a long time. How did you handle bills, etc? Separate accounts?

Yes. I have kids. Yes, we followed all of the rules. Yes, we had separate accounts. No, it was not hard. We had been living like that a long time. Our huge was huge and that helped. We were rarely home at the same time. It was not hard. Also, as long as you agree you are separated and have someone sign an affadavit that you are living separate in the same house, no one questions anything. It is all paperwork.

One thing I learned in my divorce is that you can agree to anything you want and no one will question you if that PSA is signed. No one cares about your divorce. People seem to think a judge will care about x, y, z. If there is signed paperwork submitted, there are no questions asked. I wish I had known that to begin with rather than giving myself anxiety about it.

OP here.

Your responses are very helpful. Thank you. How did you do dinner with the kids? Since financials were separate how did paying for the house, utilities, etc go? Appreciate your feedback. I'm reading all these articles and laws about how in Virginia in-house separation is very strict (no dinners together, cannot use each other's food, no family time together, etc). Seems very difficult living under the same roof.

PP here. This is not that hard. Also, no one is monitoring you. If you are uncontested, it is fine. But yes, we followed the "rules."

Truthfully, we were already living that like that for years already. (Had separate bedrooms forever). We never had dinner together when married. I always fed the kids and ate myself later. Eventually, he started doing the same thing. We bought our own groceries. I stopped paying his cell phone bill. He stopped paying my car insurance. We just undid everything joint.
He decided to keep the house so I did not pay anything toward it after that decision. We did not do family time in the house even when we were married. We were almost always separate anyway. We did not tell the kids until after we divorced (and actually 18 months after we divorced when I bought another house).That is uncommon but I did not see the point in telling kids until there was a permanent change in their life. I probably would just bite the bullet and figure out permanent housing plans ASAP if we were not already living that way. If I were you, I would just establish a separation date and stop worrying about being in the same house right now...focus on finding a permanent housing solution, do that, then tell the kids rather than creating awkwardness at home (and chances are if you make permanent housing a priority you will be in a separate house when you file for divorce and then all of this is moot). I did not have the awkwardness...we were already living that way. My kids have no memory of us having family dinners or living in the same room or doing family stuff together.

Just agree on a separation date and move forward. If you are worried he won't agree on a date, send an email establishing the date of separation with the intent to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So how does that work? Is one spouse responsible for paying the entire mortgage and another rent on a condo or something??
Do you split the cost of both?
This really sucks for people who can't take on another $2,000 a month payment easily

If you get a divorce, you have to figure out two permanent living situations...which is going to cost more than $2,000 a month.
I recommend you figure out exactly how you are going to have two households moving forward. Most people can't have one spouse keep the house. Some can, most can't. Figure it out before you decide to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I was separated for 2 years in the same house. Divorce took that long. COVID hit as divorce as final. I stayed in the house until I found a house to buy. That was another 18 months. So, yes, I was in the house even after the divorce.

You do not have to move to be separated. You can figure out permanent housing and then move. Or sell the house and both move.

OP here. Did you have kids? I know VA has strict laws regarding being separated under the same roof. Did you follow all of them for two years? That's a long time. How did you handle bills, etc? Separate accounts?

Yes. I have kids. Yes, we followed all of the rules. Yes, we had separate accounts. No, it was not hard. We had been living like that a long time. Our huge was huge and that helped. We were rarely home at the same time. It was not hard. Also, as long as you agree you are separated and have someone sign an affadavit that you are living separate in the same house, no one questions anything. It is all paperwork.

One thing I learned in my divorce is that you can agree to anything you want and no one will question you if that PSA is signed. No one cares about your divorce. People seem to think a judge will care about x, y, z. If there is signed paperwork submitted, there are no questions asked. I wish I had known that to begin with rather than giving myself anxiety about it.

OP here.

Your responses are very helpful. Thank you. How did you do dinner with the kids? Since financials were separate how did paying for the house, utilities, etc go? Appreciate your feedback. I'm reading all these articles and laws about how in Virginia in-house separation is very strict (no dinners together, cannot use each other's food, no family time together, etc). Seems very difficult living under the same roof.

All you need, really, is an affidavit from someone who will swear to having seen the separate living spaces, etc. It used to be that person had to go to court but now just an affidavit will suffice.

We were separated in the house for about 8 months. It sucked. Lived in separate parts of the home, barely interacted. It was completely traumatizing for the kids and we are both suffering the effects of that four years later as they become older teenagers and the way this messed them up has become more clear. It’s heartbreaking. The only solace is that forcing a relationship for their sake was worse.

It will be expensive. It just is. There’s no sugarcoating it. It will be financially devastating at first. But you can recover.

Good luck.

+1 I am the PP you responded to and someone else chimed in. That person is right. You need an affadavit signed. No one is monitoring every single thing. Like I said earlier, no one cares if everything is agreed to in paperwork.

[Anonymous]

Actually, a lot of those listings are not always current. You need to call and figure out what is still available. If it's a individual owner it can take time to go view the place and then get approval. If it's a big unit, it still takes time for approval even if you fill it out online. And sometimes the unit you want is not ready and you have to wait for them to turn it over. Also, if you have kids, you may be trying to stay within your their school limits as well as your budget. If you are in a smaller city or suburban area, this can limit your choices.

And then you have to figure out moving your stuff, getting a mover or sometimes even just getting back into your old place if you have a angry ex.

Anonymous wrote:Huh?

Did you marry your college boyfriend and never have to find a place to rent and move to on your own?

You go on Zillow and hotpads etc and look for a rental. You go see rentals. If you like one, you file an application. If they pick your you sign a lease. Then you hire movers and move your furniture to the new place.

This is a pretty basic adulting people most people figure out in their twenties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I was separated for 2 years in the same house. Divorce took that long. COVID hit as divorce as final. I stayed in the house until I found a house to buy. That was another 18 months. So, yes, I was in the house even after the divorce.

You do not have to move to be separated. You can figure out permanent housing and then move. Or sell the house and both move.

OP here. Did you have kids? I know VA has strict laws regarding being separated under the same roof. Did you follow all of them for two years? That's a long time. How did you handle bills, etc? Separate accounts?

Yes. I have kids. Yes, we followed all of the rules. Yes, we had separate accounts. No, it was not hard. We had been living like that a long time. Our huge was huge and that helped. We were rarely home at the same time. It was not hard. Also, as long as you agree you are separated and have someone sign an affadavit that you are living separate in the same house, no one questions anything. It is all paperwork.

One thing I learned in my divorce is that you can agree to anything you want and no one will question you if that PSA is signed. No one cares about your divorce. People seem to think a judge will care about x, y, z. If there is signed paperwork submitted, there are no questions asked. I wish I had known that to begin with rather than giving myself anxiety about it.

OP here.

Your responses are very helpful. Thank you. How did you do dinner with the kids? Since financials were separate how did paying for the house, utilities, etc go? Appreciate your feedback. I'm reading all these articles and laws about how in Virginia in-house separation is very strict (no dinners together, cannot use each other's food, no family time together, etc). Seems very difficult living under the same roof.

PP here. This is not that hard. Also, no one is monitoring you. If you are uncontested, it is fine. But yes, we followed the "rules."

Truthfully, we were already living that like that for years already. (Had separate bedrooms forever). We never had dinner together when married. I always fed the kids and ate myself later. Eventually, he started doing the same thing. We bought our own groceries. I stopped paying his cell phone bill. He stopped paying my car insurance. We just undid everything joint.
He decided to keep the house so I did not pay anything toward it after that decision. We did not do family time in the house even when we were married. We were almost always separate anyway. We did not tell the kids until after we divorced (and actually 18 months after we divorced when I bought another house).That is uncommon but I did not see the point in telling kids until there was a permanent change in their life. I probably would just bite the bullet and figure out permanent housing plans ASAP if we were not already living that way. If I were you, I would just establish a separation date and stop worrying about being in the same house right now...focus on finding a permanent housing solution, do that, then tell the kids rather than creating awkwardness at home (and chances are if you make permanent housing a priority you will be in a separate house when you file for divorce and then all of this is moot). I did not have the awkwardness...we were already living that way. My kids have no memory of us having family dinners or living in the same room or doing family stuff together.

Just agree on a separation date and move forward. If you are worried he won't agree on a date, send an email establishing the date of separation with the intent to divorce.

OP here. Thank you for the details. My family now eats together and we sleep in the same room. It's only this week we are not. So, the kids can tell. If we stop eating dinner together it's going to be very strange. We both agree if we didn't have kids we would have divorced years ago. The last few years we have only been together for the kids. Most of the time we are just fine "getting along". But, there are points where we just cannot stand each other. Finally, we said we had to move on. But, we want to impact the kids as little as possible. For us not eating together at night would be very odd. In your situation it makes sense. Thanks for the info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, a lot of those listings are not always current. You need to call and figure out what is still available. If it's a individual owner it can take time to go view the place and then get approval. If it's a big unit, it still takes time for approval even if you fill it out online. And sometimes the unit you want is not ready and you have to wait for them to turn it over. Also, if you have kids, you may be trying to stay within your their school limits as well as your budget. If you are in a smaller city or suburban area, this can limit your choices.

And then you have to figure out moving your stuff, getting a mover or sometimes even just getting back into your old place if you have a angry ex.

Anonymous wrote:Huh?

Did you marry your college boyfriend and never have to find a place to rent and move to on your own?

You go on Zillow and hotpads etc and look for a rental. You go see rentals. If you like one, you file an application. If they pick your you sign a lease. Then you hire movers and move your furniture to the new place.

This is a pretty basic adulting people most people figure out in their twenties.

All listings on Zillow are current because they charge a fee now. The issue is renting. The cost in the DC area is very high. I have friends who live in McLean and for a 40+ year old two story home it's $3500/mo. Moving isn't easy. Takes a month to apply, process, get approved, pack, move, etc. Plus, it's about $40,000 to $50,000 a year. That's not cheap and many spouses can't afford two homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I was separated for 2 years in the same house. Divorce took that long. COVID hit as divorce as final. I stayed in the house until I found a house to buy. That was another 18 months. So, yes, I was in the house even after the divorce.

You do not have to move to be separated. You can figure out permanent housing and then move. Or sell the house and both move.

OP here. Did you have kids? I know VA has strict laws regarding being separated under the same roof. Did you follow all of them for two years? That's a long time. How did you handle bills, etc? Separate accounts?

Yes. I have kids. Yes, we followed all of the rules. Yes, we had separate accounts. No, it was not hard. We had been living like that a long time. Our huge was huge and that helped. We were rarely home at the same time. It was not hard. Also, as long as you agree you are separated and have someone sign an affadavit that you are living separate in the same house, no one questions anything. It is all paperwork.

One thing I learned in my divorce is that you can agree to anything you want and no one will question you if that PSA is signed. No one cares about your divorce. People seem to think a judge will care about x, y, z. If there is signed paperwork submitted, there are no questions asked. I wish I had known that to begin with rather than giving myself anxiety about it.

OP here.

Your responses are very helpful. Thank you. How did you do dinner with the kids? Since financials were separate how did paying for the house, utilities, etc go? Appreciate your feedback. I'm reading all these articles and laws about how in Virginia in-house separation is very strict (no dinners together, cannot use each other's food, no family time together, etc). Seems very difficult living under the same roof.

PP here. This is not that hard. Also, no one is monitoring you. If you are uncontested, it is fine. But yes, we followed the "rules."

Truthfully, we were already living that like that for years already. (Had separate bedrooms forever). We never had dinner together when married. I always fed the kids and ate myself later. Eventually, he started doing the same thing. We bought our own groceries. I stopped paying his cell phone bill. He stopped paying my car insurance. We just undid everything joint.
He decided to keep the house so I did not pay anything toward it after that decision. We did not do family time in the house even when we were married. We were almost always separate anyway. We did not tell the kids until after we divorced (and actually 18 months after we divorced when I bought another house).That is uncommon but I did not see the point in telling kids until there was a permanent change in their life. I probably would just bite the bullet and figure out permanent housing plans ASAP if we were not already living that way. If I were you, I would just establish a separation date and stop worrying about being in the same house right now...focus on finding a permanent housing solution, do that, then tell the kids rather than creating awkwardness at home (and chances are if you make permanent housing a priority you will be in a separate house when you file for divorce and then all of this is moot). I did not have the awkwardness...we were already living that way. My kids have no memory of us having family dinners or living in the same room or doing family stuff together.

Just agree on a separation date and move forward. If you are worried he won't agree on a date, send an email establishing the date of separation with the intent to divorce.

OP here. Thank you for the details. My family now eats together and we sleep in the same room. It's only this week we are not. So, the kids can tell. If we stop eating dinner together it's going to be very strange. We both agree if we didn't have kids we would have divorced years ago. The last few years we have only been together for the kids. Most of the time we are just fine "getting along". But, there are points where we just cannot stand each other. Finally, we said we had to move on. But, we want to impact the kids as little as possible. For us not eating together at night would be very odd. In your situation it makes sense. Thanks for the info.

You should probably start the separation date but figure out permanent housing and then tell the kids. Having an interim awkward period in the house can be weird. I was told most people start separation in the house but are in two places before the divorce is final. That is what I would’ve done if I could but I couldn’t do that in my situation because my ex was in denial about the divorce and he dragged out a year separation to two years. It was very difficult to find housing and then Covid hit and it was just a disaster but if I would’ve had my way we would’ve been living apart as soon as I officially declared the separation. That is usually for the best for all parties. You really have to take a serious look about how a divorce is going to impact both of your finances and if you can afford two houses or two properties close by because it’s extremely expensive. Do not be surprised if your lifestyle takes a hit.

[Anonymous]

We separated in the house for a year and still did stuff together with the kids as co-parents. Such as meals together with the kids, kid events and games, etc. We just didn’t do couple eating or other activities together as just a couple anymore. Only as co-parents. We had been basically roommates for years so not much changed. It was amicable so it kept things more stable and “things as usual” for the kids while we were figuring out what to do with the house. It only works if things are amicable though. As others have said, one is monitoring it.

[Anonymous]

Staying in the house together just delays the moving on process. Yes, yes I know there are exceptions but in general it is hard to move on when you are living under the same roof. If you can afford it, I’d definitely move out as soon as possible. Also, separations that start out amicable can quickly turn toxic once lawyers get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staying in the house together just delays the moving on process. Yes, yes I know there are exceptions but in general it is hard to move on when you are living under the same roof. If you can afford it, I’d definitely move out as soon as possible. Also, separations that start out amicable can quickly turn toxic once lawyers get involved.

Then don't get lawyers involved. Do mediation and have an attorney review the docs. Divorce lawyers will make it worse than it needs to be. Only fight if there is something truly worth fighting over. Agree to 50/50 and get it done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying in the house together just delays the moving on process. Yes, yes I know there are exceptions but in general it is hard to move on when you are living under the same roof. If you can afford it, I’d definitely move out as soon as possible. Also, separations that start out amicable can quickly turn toxic once lawyers get involved.

Then don't get lawyers involved. Do mediation and have an attorney review the docs. Divorce lawyers will make it worse than it needs to be. Only fight if there is something truly worth fighting over. Agree to 50/50 and get it done.

Oh, ok. Lawyers are almost always involved even if it’s just to review what was decided in mediation. I went through mediation only to have the agreement blown up by an inexperienced lawyer looking to make a name for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying in the house together just delays the moving on process. Yes, yes I know there are exceptions but in general it is hard to move on when you are living under the same roof. If you can afford it, I’d definitely move out as soon as possible. Also, separations that start out amicable can quickly turn toxic once lawyers get involved.

Then don't get lawyers involved. Do mediation and have an attorney review the docs. Divorce lawyers will make it worse than it needs to be. Only fight if there is something truly worth fighting over. Agree to 50/50 and get it done.

Oh, ok. Lawyers are almost always involved even if it’s just to review what was decided in mediation. I went through mediation only to have the agreement blown up by an inexperienced lawyer looking to make a name for herself.

Which is exactly what I said. (The earlier poster was referring to litigation...I literally said mediate and have attorneys review documents). Clearly, you can't read. Honestly, there is no need for an attorney if everything is split 50/50. (My ex is an attorney).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So how does that work? Is one spouse responsible for paying the entire mortgage and another rent on a condo or something??
Do you split the cost of both?
This really sucks for people who can't take on another $2,000 a month payment easily

$2000 a month? What are you renting a one bedroom apartment? Anyone who's an adult, or someone with kids, will need a home not an apartment. I'm in mid 40s there is no way my stuff would fit even in a two bedroom apartment. Also, $2000 around here gets you nothing. Don't forget other costs: water, gas, electric, internet, cell phone service, food, etc. It's not just the rent you're paying extra...and it adds up. In my area old split level homes are renting for almost $4000! These are also tear down homes developers are buying.