Reply to Can you talk to your mom about things?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think you're asking your question of an audience that doesn't have good relationships with most people, including their moms.  [/quote]

I think you’re right about the nature of the forum but not about moms specifically. [b]Most people I have interacted with have issues with their moms. [/b]

It’s really, really easy to go wrong as a mom, and it’s very obvious when moms go wrong if they are the primary caregivers because it impacts the kids more. My mom was just never a great mom (and sometimes she was downright bad). There were a lot of good reasons for that, I don’t resent her anymore, and I love her. But I cant lean on her for support with my problems. [/quote]

Which begs the question of how realistic their expectations are.   Most of their moms are not trained therapists or investment professionals, or whatever the needs might be.  And it takes two to tango - at some point adults become responsible for their relationships and need to accept people as they are.   [/quote]

I think you can have low expectations while still acknowledging that a mom’s behavior created (or continues to create) issues. You are so right that moms don’t get enough support and training and generally expectations on us are too high. But that doesn’t mean our actions don’t negatively impact our kids.

And we can accept people as they are—accept reality for what it is—while still not letting ourselves be vulnerable with our mothers because we know we will get hurt.

It would be so great if mothers had more support. We are assumed to know how to parent just because we had a child but boy is that wrong. And with poor maternity leave, scarce childcare, and mental healthcare being difficult to access, it’s like moms are sure to fail in some way. And maybe we should just accept that reality as mothers and give our kids grace for the difficulties they have because of us. [/quote]

PP.  Let's take an example of weight loss.  There is a huge space between saying "you'll never do it, fatty" and becoming your personal trainer, nutritionist and chef all in one.  Yes, the latter can be immensely beneficial, but what if it's way above what your mom is capable of?  I mean, some of the issues the people want their moms to solve are definitely above the paygrade of an average person - listen, but don't give advice, give advice, but at the exact right time, give the advice in the way that is preferred by the recipient (and figure that way out in advance).  People go and get Masters and doctorates for that.  Why can't ADULTS give grace to their moms too?  Whatever excuses you give to yourself for not whipping yourself into an absolutely perfect human - circumstances, upbringing, health issues, genetics - your mom is entitled to them too.[/quote]

I can give my mom grace and recognize she’s doing the best she can. I can also recognize that her best is pretty far from basic kindness and that she does not have the wherewithal to respond to her children with empathy. [/quote]

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