Expectations of your adult children

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I could have written your post - parents just complain about their medical problems, they don’t know anything about my life. Hard to take initiative to call just to hear the litany of complaints and be their support system. As a teenager and young adult, it was like I was my mom’s psychiatrist.

One day, when I was feeling particularly stressed with a huge weight on my shoulders, I remarked to my mother than it would be nice if she would ask me about how I was doing for once. Her response was to stop calling me. Yes I know, completely dysfunctional.

You can’t change your parents, but you can try refusing to accept the guilt trip if you don’t have time to call. Just ignore those criticisms of You never call me, you don’t call often enough. Don’t explain why you haven’t called before now. Just say nothing when they say that. Move onto another topic or wind down the call. That’s my only advice to you. Know that you’re doing the best that you can and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

[Anonymous]

Both DH and I speak to our parents several times a week and talk about both our and their lives pretty evenly. We are very close with both sets of parents. I would say we are the ones who usually initiate calls (let’s say 75% of the time) because our parents don’t want to be intrusive.

Our parents had similar dynamics with their own parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom and MIL called a lot and mostly at inconvenient times without much concern about time difference. As a result of my experiences, I'm very sensitive about respecting my boundaries.

+1. Mom called every night, whether there was something to talk about or not. It was really disruptive and disrespectful, as DH and I were raising two kids while both working FT. Whenever I’d try to point out how disruptive it was, she’d point to my sister, who is child-free and retired in her 40s, and who indulged this. A compromise for mom was calling an hour later. I miss my mom, but not that.

I, too, am very respectful of my kids’ boundaries.

[Anonymous]

My mom never calls me and if there is news she needs to share (like a family member is sick), it is by text. She hates my husband and I think is scared that she will call when we are together. I try to call her once a week and we usually have a nice conversation, but if something is going on and I don't think to call her, she never checks in. We used to be closer, but even then it was me always calling her and making the effort. The funny thing is that she will complain to me that my grandma never calls her......

[Anonymous]

Lol. You think so? Better than imposing ourselves in kids lives thou.

Yep, I definitely think talking to your kids “from time to time” is sad - but it’s also sad that your kids feel like you calling them is “imposing” instead of a positive thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were born in say ... the 60's or earlier, they come from a time of "respecting your elders" which means the younger generation should do for them.

Two of my kids are in their 20's. We have a family Zoom every Sunday, and aside from that DD only calls when she's upset about something, and DS calls a couple other times in the week (mama's boy). They tell me what's going on with their work, their friends, what they're cooking, we discuss what we're watching and reading, what's going on with the younger siblings, etc. I'd say it's a fair give and take. They probably tell me a bit more minutia than I tell them, but I'm happy to hear them prattle on about it, and hear how they're figuring out life.

I suppose every family is different but that's pretty extensive and frequent interactions.

I'm sorry that you think once a week is extensive. We value knowing what's going on with each other and being a part of each other's lives even if not living together physically. My younger kids who are still at home really value the Sunday calls and look forward to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were born in say ... the 60's or earlier, they come from a time of "respecting your elders" which means the younger generation should do for them.

Two of my kids are in their 20's. We have a family Zoom every Sunday, and aside from that DD only calls when she's upset about something, and DS calls a couple other times in the week (mama's boy). They tell me what's going on with their work, their friends, what they're cooking, we discuss what we're watching and reading, what's going on with the younger siblings, etc. I'd say it's a fair give and take. They probably tell me a bit more minutia than I tell them, but I'm happy to hear them prattle on about it, and hear how they're figuring out life.

Born in 50s and I call my kids. I text first and ask when it's ok. My friends do the same. My parents usually text first as well.

[Anonymous]

Call them on a regular days .
Like Sunday at 2:00 PM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were born in say ... the 60's or earlier, they come from a time of "respecting your elders" which means the younger generation should do for them.

Two of my kids are in their 20's. We have a family Zoom every Sunday, and aside from that DD only calls when she's upset about something, and DS calls a couple other times in the week (mama's boy). They tell me what's going on with their work, their friends, what they're cooking, we discuss what we're watching and reading, what's going on with the younger siblings, etc. I'd say it's a fair give and take. They probably tell me a bit more minutia than I tell them, but I'm happy to hear them prattle on about it, and hear how they're figuring out life.

Must depend on the parents — my parents (born in the 40s and 50s) call all their children at least once a month if we haven’t called them. Usually I talk to them every two weeks or so. We talk about their health, my kids, what we’re reading, politics, friends, plans for the week — anything I’d talk about with anyone else tbh. We also have a family group chat that someone usually chimes in on at least once a day with a cute pet picture or a bad pun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were born in say ... the 60's or earlier, they come from a time of "respecting your elders" which means the younger generation should do for them.

Two of my kids are in their 20's. We have a family Zoom every Sunday, and aside from that DD only calls when she's upset about something, and DS calls a couple other times in the week (mama's boy). They tell me what's going on with their work, their friends, what they're cooking, we discuss what we're watching and reading, what's going on with the younger siblings, etc. I'd say it's a fair give and take. They probably tell me a bit more minutia than I tell them, but I'm happy to hear them prattle on about it, and hear how they're figuring out life.

I suppose every family is different but that's pretty extensive and frequent interactions.

I'm sorry that you think once a week is extensive. We value knowing what's going on with each other and being a part of each other's lives even if not living together physically. My younger kids who are still at home really value the Sunday calls and look forward to them.

You have described much more than talking once a week.

[Anonymous]

There is no normal. It will depend on your relationship and how it has transitioned to the kids being adults with their own lives.

I keep my parents at arms length because they are not a firm if emotional support for me and can be a burden. I gave them more before I had a kid but now feel I need to be protective of myself so that I can give my kid what she needs. I do, however, facilitate a healthy relationship between my kid and my parents— always an eye on boundaries but I think it’s good for my DD to have a positive relationship with then to the extent she can. They also want this and are willing to put done effort into it, certainly more than they put into their relationship with me.

Some people are closer to their parents and that seems great, but they have different parents. I give my parents what I can but on some level what they want/need is to be parented (because their own parents were awful) and I realized a long time ago that I can’t do that for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were born in say ... the 60's or earlier, they come from a time of "respecting your elders" which means the younger generation should do for them.

Two of my kids are in their 20's. We have a family Zoom every Sunday, and aside from that DD only calls when she's upset about something, and DS calls a couple other times in the week (mama's boy). They tell me what's going on with their work, their friends, what they're cooking, we discuss what we're watching and reading, what's going on with the younger siblings, etc. I'd say it's a fair give and take. They probably tell me a bit more minutia than I tell them, but I'm happy to hear them prattle on about it, and hear how they're figuring out life.

I suppose every family is different but that's pretty extensive and frequent interactions.

I'm sorry that you think once a week is extensive. We value knowing what's going on with each other and being a part of each other's lives even if not living together physically. My younger kids who are still at home really value the Sunday calls and look forward to them.

You have described much more than talking once a week.

With my DD we do the family Zoom once a week and I otherwise rarely talk with her. One or two texts through the week maybe? With my DS it's the family Zoom and he'll also call once or twice a week. So no, I didn't describe much more than once a week.

[Anonymous]

We text almost daily. Usually we text first. It's usually a 2-3 texts at most with whatever is going on. Travel plans, health, family news. We have dinner a few times a month. It's enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Lol. You think so? Better than imposing ourselves in kids lives thou.

Yep, I definitely think talking to your kids “from time to time” is sad - but it’s also sad that your kids feel like you calling them is “imposing” instead of a positive thing.

LOL. You do you. You deserve mother of the year award.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were born in say ... the 60's or earlier, they come from a time of "respecting your elders" which means the younger generation should do for them.

Two of my kids are in their 20's. We have a family Zoom every Sunday, and aside from that DD only calls when she's upset about something, and DS calls a couple other times in the week (mama's boy). They tell me what's going on with their work, their friends, what they're cooking, we discuss what we're watching and reading, what's going on with the younger siblings, etc. I'd say it's a fair give and take. They probably tell me a bit more minutia than I tell them, but I'm happy to hear them prattle on about it, and hear how they're figuring out life.

I suppose every family is different but that's pretty extensive and frequent interactions.

I'm sorry that you think once a week is extensive. We value knowing what's going on with each other and being a part of each other's lives even if not living together physically. My younger kids who are still at home really value the Sunday calls and look forward to them.

What you said was a LOT more than once a week though.