Expectations of your adult children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your parents were born in say ... the 60's or earlier, they come from a time of "respecting your elders" which means the younger generation should do for them.

Two of my kids are in their 20's. We have a family Zoom every Sunday, and aside from that DD only calls when she's upset about something, and DS calls a couple other times in the week (mama's boy). They tell me what's going on with their work, their friends, what they're cooking, we discuss what we're watching and reading, what's going on with the younger siblings, etc. I'd say it's a fair give and take. They probably tell me a bit more minutia than I tell them, but I'm happy to hear them prattle on about it, and hear how they're figuring out life.

I suppose every family is different but that's pretty extensive and frequent interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom and MIL called a lot and mostly at inconvenient times without much concern about time difference. As a result of my experiences, I'm very sensitive about respecting my boundaries.

I call my mom whenever and just ask if it’s a good time or not. I’ll do the same with my kids. If they are adults, they should be able to tell me it’s not a good time and ask if we can talk later.

I don’t think I will avoid calling them just because they might be busy at the second I call. They could think I am busy and never call and then we would never call each other.

Can’t people just call and then ask if it’s a good time to talk or not? It doesn’t have to be a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult children have busy lives with jobs, chores, significant others, children, friends, hobbies, travel etc. I don't like to intrude by calling randomly. OP's parents probably have same concerns as well and hope for her to call when she can.

+1. That's why we don't call. Kids know how to reach out to us when they have time and want to talk. The last thing we want to do is interrupt their lives with some random calls.

Op here, but do you guilt them when they haven’t called you at some frequency that’s expected? My mom claims that because I’m busy, she never calls or texts. But then on the other hand doesn’t understand that because I’m busy, I can’t call multiple times a week.

You don't have to csll multiple times, just drop random texts every other day and call on weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult children have busy lives with jobs, chores, significant others, children, friends, hobbies, travel etc. I don't like to intrude by calling randomly. OP's parents probably have same concerns as well and hope for her to call when she can.

+1. That's why we don't call. Kids know how to reach out to us when they have time and want to talk. The last thing we want to do is interrupt their lives with some random calls.

Op here, but do you guilt them when they haven’t called you at some frequency that’s expected? My mom claims that because I’m busy, she never calls or texts. But then on the other hand doesn’t understand that because I’m busy, I can’t call multiple times a week.

You don't have to csll multiple times, just drop random texts every other day and call on weekend.

Op here. They don’t like to text. I guess what I’m getting at is they seem like they’re only pleased if it’s decently long phone calls 2-3x a week. Which I just can’t do. Or I could do, but only after my kids are in bed, so at like 9pm. And they say that’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult children have busy lives with jobs, chores, significant others, children, friends, hobbies, travel etc. I don't like to intrude by calling randomly. OP's parents probably have same concerns as well and hope for her to call when she can.

+1. That's why we don't call. Kids know how to reach out to us when they have time and want to talk. The last thing we want to do is interrupt their lives with some random calls.

Op here, but do you guilt them when they haven’t called you at some frequency that’s expected? My mom claims that because I’m busy, she never calls or texts. But then on the other hand doesn’t understand that because I’m busy, I can’t call multiple times a week.

You don't have to csll multiple times, just drop random texts every other day and call on weekend.

Op here. They don’t like to text. I guess what I’m getting at is they seem like they’re only pleased if it’s decently long phone calls 2-3x a week. Which I just can’t do. Or I could do, but only after my kids are in bed, so at like 9pm. And they say that’s too late.

Just do what feels right to you because you care, not to meet their demands. They are probably lonely and miss you but you need to mange your own family, household and job as well.

[Anonymous]

I do call my mom more often than ever because she is homebound and lonely. She can bore me to death but it cheers her up so 10-15 min every other day seems worth it. My dad was fun to talk to.

[Anonymous]

We don't call our kids. They call us time to time (once or twice a month) to talk about whatever they want to talk about - usually their work, food, weather...etc. We don't talk about anything serious.

This is really sad. Sounds like you are barely acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Two of my kids are in their 20's. We have a family Zoom every Sunday, and aside from that DD only calls when she's upset about something, and DS calls a couple other times in the week (mama's boy). They tell me what's going on with their work, their friends, what they're cooking, we discuss what we're watching and reading, what's going on with the younger siblings, etc. I'd say it's a fair give and take. They probably tell me a bit more minutia than I tell them, but I'm happy to hear them prattle on about it, and hear how they're figuring out life.


I suppose every family is different but that's pretty extensive and frequent interactions.

I guess you are right. I have two kids in their 20s, out of college, and talk to them each at least twice a week, and often more. They call when they are walking home alone at night, or when something great happens at work, or to ask for a recipe - or just to say hi. We value a close family.

[Anonymous]

I call my 4 adults kids every Sunday at the very least, and the phone calls range from a few minutes to an hour, depending on what the kid wants to talk about. My son always collects things to chat with me about, which makes me laugh, and we have the easiest relationship. For my daughters, sometimes conversation is fraught if they're stressed, and I'm always working on listening and not judging.

Then we have a family text thread just me, DH, and our kids. Mostly the comments are from me sending pics of the dogs or something else amusing, and occasionally one of the kids will chime in.

I call or see my mom daily. She lives less than a mile away in my childhood home. My dad passed away a few years ago, and my mom lives alone. My siblings and I are all extremely close to my mother, so it's enjoyable for me to talk with her. Without sounding cliched, she's one of my closest friends. Today she went shopping with me, and she's making dinner for DH and me tomorrow. Then we'll all go to a Labor Day event together on Monday, and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

We don't call our kids. They call us time to time (once or twice a month) to talk about whatever they want to talk about - usually their work, food, weather...etc. We don't talk about anything serious.

This is really sad. Sounds like you are barely acquaintances.

Lol. You think so? Better than imposing ourselves in kids lives thou.

[Anonymous]

Wow this is interesting. My mom and dad are 67 and divorced. My sister and I talk multiple times a day. We also both told multiple times a week with our mom either separately or a group call. We check in in our dad at least once a week.

Both mom and dad text and we have separate group texts where we can chat. Usually random stuff and pictures of the kids (their grandkids).

My sister and I ask our parents advice on pretty much everything. Or tell them what we are doing. Ranging from jobs, to home projects to financial questions. Our DHs know and encourage this. My DH is closer to my parents than my BIL is but both are comfortable with our relationships and encourage it.

[Anonymous]

I think parents and kids expectations are going opposite directions. As parents get older, their reliance on kids will demand more of kids time/resource/friendship. Kids, on the other hand, once they start having families/their own kids and whatnot, will have to sqeeze more to satisfy their parrents need. That's where frictions will start to cause issues. DCUM is full of those from both sides.

[Anonymous]

Asian family here.  I live with my wife's parents (who are white, btw) because they are in their 70's and they are extremely close to my wife.  My own parents live with my oldest sister just a few blocks from where I live so that my wife and I can help out my sister if/when she needs help.  I take my FIL and my own father to lunch every Saturday afternoon.  When my dad was in good health a few years ago, he always played golf with me and my two kids every Sunday afternoon.  That's the way it should be.

[Anonymous]

In functional and loving families, things are done out of love and care, not because of demand, obligation or guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In functional and loving families, things are done out of love and care, not because of demand, obligation or guilt.

+1. I agree with this. Seems like people focus more on frequency than anything though.