Unsure about daughters fiance

[Anonymous]

I married into a smothering family that made my life a living hell. They did many things to derail my relationship with DH. Over the past 30 years of our marriage (yep, 30) these ILs have shown themselves to be argumentative narcissists who have burned every relationship in their lives. It’s a clear pattern that had nothing to do with me, yet, in the beginning, they always tried to make me out to be the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Definitely MYOB. My mother had reservations about my husband but she was wrong and he's turned out to be fine. He's a good provider and actively involved father. Basically nothing she warned about turned out to come true.

My mother did the same, she said he was "weak and needy" and tried to get me not to marry him. It took her a few years to apologize for having said that, by which time it was obviously too late in his eyes.

[Anonymous]

We had opposite experience with SIL. Started with positive acceptance and we now have serious concerns.

SIL came from a tough background but was a friendly, outgoing and street-smart guy. He did not have a well-paying job but had been steady at it for years. Also did volunteer work with a stellar organization. We figured he was a diamond in the rough and DD was absolutely sure of her choice. So all thumbs up from us.

Years later things are much different. Slowly but surely, SIL's family members with felony histories and substance abuse problems have become very present in their home. They babysit their children. SIL loves to gamble in casinos and with stocks. Has no desire to get a better job and DD's salary is primary household income. They argue frequently.

What can we say? Nothing. He is her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had opposite experience with SIL. Started with positive acceptance and we now have serious concerns.

SIL came from a tough background but was a friendly, outgoing and street-smart guy. He did not have a well-paying job but had been steady at it for years. Also did volunteer work with a stellar organization. We figured he was a diamond in the rough and DD was absolutely sure of her choice. So all thumbs up from us.

Years later things are much different. Slowly but surely, SIL's family members with felony histories and substance abuse problems have become very present in their home. They babysit their children. SIL loves to gamble in casinos and with stocks. Has no desire to get a better job and DD's salary is primary household income. They argue frequently.

What can we say? Nothing. He is her choice.

That should read "very different"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He seems to have zero interest in our family.

And? He’s not marrying you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BIL also showed little interest in our family. He has discouraged her and their sons from remaining close to the family. My sister only sees my parents and her siblings a few times a year and they live 5 minutes away.

That’s actually your sister showing little interest in your family; do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL expected me to follow her around and kowtow, help with cooking and be impressed with her crappy little house. I was none of those things, because that's not how I'm wired and because I was 35 when I met her, living independently with a successful career and had no intention of trying to impress her by following old fashioned gender expectations.

I'm sure she felt the same way about me as OP does about her future SIL.

I've been married almost 20 years now BTW and have very little to do with my ILs who live about 3000 miles away.

Being polite in someone's home isn't an old-fashioned gender expectation. This post is not making you look like the badass feminist you think.

I don't claim to be either. But her house was crappy and she assumed that to me, it was a mansion that I would be impressed by.

Wow, maybe she and her spouse worked hard for that little house and, to them, it was essentially a mansion. Not everybody is rich. Lots of people work hard for and appreciate what they have even if we t doesn’t seem like a big deal to others.

Maybe. Or maybe she was a total narcissist who assumed everyone was beneath her. I think given I've been married to her son for 20 years now I know her better than you do.

Maybe. But it never hurts to try to put yourself in someone else’s place, imagine the world from their point of view, and give them the benefit of the doubt. It doesn’t cost anything to be kind.

The above post offers great advice in my opinion. Nonetheless, trust your gut to the extent that you discuss your specific concerns privately with your daughter prior to the wedding. A tactful, but straightforward, discussion may yield results. Even if the discussion does not lead to any revelations, it should allow you to move on as you will have shared your concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is mental illness in my husband's family (and my husband and my son) that would have made me pause had I known it would get passed down to my children. Either we wouldn't have married, or I would have been mentally prepared to deal with it.

So I tell my children that medical history is very important when they find someone. And given how hard our family life has been, it's something they're on board with. The rest matters, of course - being kind, smart, having moral integrity. But severe mental health disorders just derail one's life to such an extent that it matters little how kind and smart you are and how hard you try.

I don't know what you fear exactly, OP, but please do encourage your children to have premarital counseling and touch on the medical history aspect.

Completely. agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BIL also showed little interest in our family. He has discouraged her and their sons from remaining close to the family. My sister only sees my parents and her siblings a few times a year and they live 5 minutes away.

That’s actually your sister showing little interest in your family; do you get it?

Yes, but she wasn’t like that with previous boyfriends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL expected me to follow her around and kowtow, help with cooking and be impressed with her crappy little house. I was none of those things, because that's not how I'm wired and because I was 35 when I met her, living independently with a successful career and had no intention of trying to impress her by following old fashioned gender expectations.

I'm sure she felt the same way about me as OP does about her future SIL.

I've been married almost 20 years now BTW and have very little to do with my ILs who live about 3000 miles away.

Being polite in someone's home isn't an old-fashioned gender expectation. This post is not making you look like the badass feminist you think.

I don't claim to be either. But her house was crappy and she assumed that to me, it was a mansion that I would be impressed by.

Wow, maybe she and her spouse worked hard for that little house and, to them, it was essentially a mansion. Not everybody is rich. Lots of people work hard for and appreciate what they have even if we t doesn’t seem like a big deal to others.

NP. I know right? I feel bad for this old lady. I hope my future son in law won’t think my house is crappy and old. I am proud of it because I bought it all by myself and it wasn’t easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had opposite experience with SIL. Started with positive acceptance and we now have serious concerns.

SIL came from a tough background but was a friendly, outgoing and street-smart guy. He did not have a well-paying job but had been steady at it for years. Also did volunteer work with a stellar organization. We figured he was a diamond in the rough and DD was absolutely sure of her choice. So all thumbs up from us.

Years later things are much different. Slowly but surely, SIL's family members with felony histories and substance abuse problems have become very present in their home. They babysit their children. SIL loves to gamble in casinos and with stocks. Has no desire to get a better job and DD's salary is primary household income. They argue frequently.

What can we say? Nothing. He is her choice.

Why are you referring to SIL as male? It stands for sister in law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL expected me to follow her around and kowtow, help with cooking and be impressed with her crappy little house. I was none of those things, because that's not how I'm wired and because I was 35 when I met her, living independently with a successful career and had no intention of trying to impress her by following old fashioned gender expectations.

I'm sure she felt the same way about me as OP does about her future SIL.

I've been married almost 20 years now BTW and have very little to do with my ILs who live about 3000 miles away.

Why if so secure you feel the need to belittle others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL expected me to follow her around and kowtow, help with cooking and be impressed with her crappy little house. I was none of those things, because that's not how I'm wired and because I was 35 when I met her, living independently with a successful career and had no intention of trying to impress her by following old fashioned gender expectations.

I'm sure she felt the same way about me as OP does about her future SIL.

I've been married almost 20 years now BTW and have very little to do with my ILs who live about 3000 miles away.

Why if so secure you feel the need to belittle others?

Is this MIL from an immigrant old-world background? My mom is like this and that is why I left her in the old country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had opposite experience with SIL. Started with positive acceptance and we now have serious concerns.

SIL came from a tough background but was a friendly, outgoing and street-smart guy. He did not have a well-paying job but had been steady at it for years. Also did volunteer work with a stellar organization. We figured he was a diamond in the rough and DD was absolutely sure of her choice. So all thumbs up from us.

Years later things are much different. Slowly but surely, SIL's family members with felony histories and substance abuse problems have become very present in their home. They babysit their children. SIL loves to gamble in casinos and with stocks. Has no desire to get a better job and DD's salary is primary household income. They argue frequently.

What can we say? Nothing. He is her choice.

Why are you referring to SIL as male? It stands for sister in law.

Isn't it the acronym for son in law? If it isn't, what is?

[Anonymous]

I had a big spidey sense about my daughter's fiance, and it really amped up throughout their engagement. I did say something. It did not go well. I felt his family was pretty toxic ( there was palpable seething resentment within the family which had been going on for years), the family's loyalty lines aligned through this saga, and there was an arrogance I picked up from him- he wasn't loving, it seemed. Not abusive, but not warm toward her, really, and critical of a lot.
He was all about his family, could barely manage to come to any of her family or friend events. He was never unfriendly, per se, but kind of " absent." He had to live near his family. All his family things. His mother resented her deeply. Everyone had to agree with her long standing vendetta towards certain others she hated for nonsensical reasons.
Yes, he abruptly left my daughter to move back home with Mom- several years in the marriage. No kids, thank goodness It was the best favor he ever did. So grateful. No, I was not surprised.