Unsure about daughters fiance

[Anonymous]

My best friend’s daughter got engaged (and eventually married) to a guy that was just so obnoxious, entitled and arrogant. My friend totally was welcoming and minded her own business but they have been married three years now and her daughter is miserable. Not saying that there are any options BUT a mom usually does know. It is her only child and I know it is really painful for mom.

[Anonymous]

If people have concerns, there are probably things to be concerned about. Red flags are usually pretty visible. Occasionally, though, the person making a judgement may be dealing with their own issues. From the standpoint of the bride, or groom, they should consider the situation if a concern is raised, unless there is consistent, palpable reasoning that the complainer has specific issues that are known.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is mental illness in my husband's family (and my husband and my son) that would have made me pause had I known it would get passed down to my children. Either we wouldn't have married, or I would have been mentally prepared to deal with it.

So I tell my children that medical history is very important when they find someone. And given how hard our family life has been, it's something they're on board with. The rest matters, of course - being kind, smart, having moral integrity. But severe mental health disorders just derail one's life to such an extent that it matters little how kind and smart you are and how hard you try.

I don't know what you fear exactly, OP, but please do encourage your children to have premarital counseling and touch on the medical history aspect.

Wouldn’t that mean that potential spouses should avoid your kids?

[Anonymous]

Just wondering, OP, if you really liked one of your daughter’s previous boyfriends?

My mom loved one of my boyfriends who was abusive to me and hated the next one who was sweet and kind. I don’t think it’s always obvious or that first impressions are always right.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think my parents have ever been crazy about my DH. But my priorities are different from theirs. Before marrying I asked my mom if she had any actual concerns / red flags about him and she said no. We’ve been together nearly 25 years and I think our ups and downs are pretty typical - he’s generally been a good partner had father.

My friend, who really prioritized getting a graduate degree, married a man who dropped out during his freshman year of college. When they were engaged I said “do you ever worry about that?” She spoke to me about the ways in which it limited him in his field and in the places they might live, and I was happy to know she’d reflected and was very realistic about it. They’ve been married awhile and, similarly, seem to have the typical ups and downs but I think are fairly happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is mental illness in my husband's family (and my husband and my son) that would have made me pause had I known it would get passed down to my children. Either we wouldn't have married, or I would have been mentally prepared to deal with it.

So I tell my children that medical history is very important when they find someone. And given how hard our family life has been, it's something they're on board with. The rest matters, of course - being kind, smart, having moral integrity. But severe mental health disorders just derail one's life to such an extent that it matters little how kind and smart you are and how hard you try.

I don't know what you fear exactly, OP, but please do encourage your children to have premarital counseling and touch on the medical history aspect.

Wouldn’t that mean that potential spouses should avoid your kids?

I think PP is talking about not doubling up with the mental illness. If THEY are ill they might want to avoid marrying others who have the same / similar issues and creating a double-whammy kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He seems to have zero interest in our family.

How does that manifest itself? Does he come to family events with her? Do they live nearby?

+1

I need to know what “zero interest” means to you.

Does he avoid talking with you or never ask questions or show interest in anything when all together? What’s driving that- introversion, poor communicator, self centered?

Does he every day anything interesting or able to have a back and forth conversation with people???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this generation considers marriage the beginning of their own new family rather than the joining of two families. It’s not uncommon for families to meet only at the wedding now. I’m not sure what level of interest you want him to show you, but if he makes your daughter happy that’s all that matters. SonIL relationships sometimes take many years to develop. Be patient and don’t force it.

This.

[Anonymous]

We have never met my niece's husband's family. They are Orthodox Jewish and she is atheist biracial white/black. The Jewish family refuses to recognize her or our existence. We could not care less. He is a great husband to my niece and they are very happy. He sees his family occasionally --without her.

[Anonymous]

My mother in law threatened to withhold money from my then boyfriend (her son) if he went through with proposing to me. At the time he was young and considering graduate school. We got married anyway, and she didn’t ever give him another penny. She was so horrible in those early years that it did strain our marriage at times. I just wanted her to like and accept me, and I couldn’t understand her objections. Basically, I think she is very vain and didn’t think I was pretty enough for her son. Also, he was too young in her eyes to be getting married (24). Anyway, I think that while she would never admit it, she really regrets behaving like that. She mostly damaged her relationship with her own son. We went on to have a happy marriage and three kids and have been married for decades. My husband and I have vowed to not say a word when our kids show up with their significant other and say they’re getting married. Other than welcoming them to the family. You could pay a heavy cost for being contrary, OP.

[Anonymous]

Given the high divorce rate these days, there is a pretty good chance you're right OP.