Unsure about daughters fiance

[Anonymous]

Ask your daughter questions about him - past relationships, finances, family. Either it will assure you or it will bring up important issues.

[Anonymous]

If he appears to make her happy and you’re sure he’s not abusive, then MYOB.

[Anonymous]

He seems to have zero interest in our family.

not enough information ... why are you afraid to share?

[Anonymous]

My MIL expected me to follow her around and kowtow, help with cooking and be impressed with her crappy little house. I was none of those things, because that's not how I'm wired and because I was 35 when I met her, living independently with a successful career and had no intention of trying to impress her by following old fashioned gender expectations.

I'm sure she felt the same way about me as OP does about her future SIL.

I've been married almost 20 years now BTW and have very little to do with my ILs who live about 3000 miles away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He seems to have zero interest in our family.

How does that manifest itself? Does he come to family events with her? Do they live nearby?

+1

I need to know what “zero interest” means to you.

[Anonymous]

How long have they known each other? Have they set a date? If they live close, do you invite them to your home for dinner, etc? Does your daughter visit with his family? Does he have a job? Was he married before? Does he have a baby mama? Help us out OP. We know you don’t like him, but have you made any attempt to know him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He seems to have zero interest in our family.

How does that manifest itself? Does he come to family events with her? Do they live nearby?

+1

I need to know what “zero interest” means to you.

Probably that he’s not willing to spend every free moment with OP because she decides on a whim she wants to see them.

[Anonymous]

He probably only talks about himself. Generational thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL expected me to follow her around and kowtow, help with cooking and be impressed with her crappy little house. I was none of those things, because that's not how I'm wired and because I was 35 when I met her, living independently with a successful career and had no intention of trying to impress her by following old fashioned gender expectations.

I'm sure she felt the same way about me as OP does about her future SIL.

I've been married almost 20 years now BTW and have very little to do with my ILs who live about 3000 miles away.

Being polite in someone's home isn't an old-fashioned gender expectation. This post is not making you look like the badass feminist you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL expected me to follow her around and kowtow, help with cooking and be impressed with her crappy little house. I was none of those things, because that's not how I'm wired and because I was 35 when I met her, living independently with a successful career and had no intention of trying to impress her by following old fashioned gender expectations.

I'm sure she felt the same way about me as OP does about her future SIL.

I've been married almost 20 years now BTW and have very little to do with my ILs who live about 3000 miles away.

Being polite in someone's home isn't an old-fashioned gender expectation. This post is not making you look like the badass feminist you think.

I don't claim to be either. But her house was crappy and she assumed that to me, it was a mansion that I would be impressed by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL expected me to follow her around and kowtow, help with cooking and be impressed with her crappy little house. I was none of those things, because that's not how I'm wired and because I was 35 when I met her, living independently with a successful career and had no intention of trying to impress her by following old fashioned gender expectations.

I'm sure she felt the same way about me as OP does about her future SIL.

I've been married almost 20 years now BTW and have very little to do with my ILs who live about 3000 miles away.

Being polite in someone's home isn't an old-fashioned gender expectation. This post is not making you look like the badass feminist you think.

I don't claim to be either. But her house was crappy and she assumed that to me, it was a mansion that I would be impressed by.

Wow, maybe she and her spouse worked hard for that little house and, to them, it was essentially a mansion. Not everybody is rich. Lots of people work hard for and appreciate what they have even if we t doesn’t seem like a big deal to others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL expected me to follow her around and kowtow, help with cooking and be impressed with her crappy little house. I was none of those things, because that's not how I'm wired and because I was 35 when I met her, living independently with a successful career and had no intention of trying to impress her by following old fashioned gender expectations.

I'm sure she felt the same way about me as OP does about her future SIL.

I've been married almost 20 years now BTW and have very little to do with my ILs who live about 3000 miles away.

Being polite in someone's home isn't an old-fashioned gender expectation. This post is not making you look like the badass feminist you think.

I don't claim to be either. But her house was crappy and she assumed that to me, it was a mansion that I would be impressed by.

Wow, maybe she and her spouse worked hard for that little house and, to them, it was essentially a mansion. Not everybody is rich. Lots of people work hard for and appreciate what they have even if we t doesn’t seem like a big deal to others.

Maybe. Or maybe she was a total narcissist who assumed everyone was beneath her. I think given I've been married to her son for 20 years now I know her better than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL expected me to follow her around and kowtow, help with cooking and be impressed with her crappy little house. I was none of those things, because that's not how I'm wired and because I was 35 when I met her, living independently with a successful career and had no intention of trying to impress her by following old fashioned gender expectations.

I'm sure she felt the same way about me as OP does about her future SIL.

I've been married almost 20 years now BTW and have very little to do with my ILs who live about 3000 miles away.

Being polite in someone's home isn't an old-fashioned gender expectation. This post is not making you look like the badass feminist you think.

I don't claim to be either. But her house was crappy and she assumed that to me, it was a mansion that I would be impressed by.

Wow, maybe she and her spouse worked hard for that little house and, to them, it was essentially a mansion. Not everybody is rich. Lots of people work hard for and appreciate what they have even if we t doesn’t seem like a big deal to others.

Maybe. Or maybe she was a total narcissist who assumed everyone was beneath her. I think given I've been married to her son for 20 years now I know her better than you do.

Maybe. But it never hurts to try to put yourself in someone else’s place, imagine the world from their point of view, and give them the benefit of the doubt. It doesn’t cost anything to be kind.

[Anonymous]

Definitely MYOB. My mother had reservations about my husband but she was wrong and he's turned out to be fine. He's a good provider and actively involved father. Basically nothing she warned about turned out to come true.

[Anonymous]

My BIL also showed little interest in our family. He has discouraged her and their sons from remaining close to the family. My sister only sees my parents and her siblings a few times a year and they live 5 minutes away.