Cheaters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it’s a spectrum, the ones at one end are serial cheaters, they like the thrill, couldn’t care less of anyone in the mix, including children, very selfish people, all about them, and at the other end there are the ones that spent most of the relationship miserable and wondering if there is some way out without hurting everyone, good but weak people that cannot face the music and say openly, hey, I’m really sorry, I don’t think this works anymore, let’s talk and help each other out of this … they don’t want to end up lonely, they still value the thing they have but i is not enough and they don’t want to get the blame for ending the relationship

A lot of men are cake eaters. They are happy at home and no desire to end the marriage, but a side bang once in awhile if they get an arrangement going in a bonus. More men are like this than not. Women are the opposite. Polls of cheating men—vast majority said they were “very happy” in their marriage. That’s the reality and that is like the guy’s friend upthread who goes to great pains to make sure his wife never finds out.

I’m a DW like that guy. Content enough in marriage, just struggling with losing my sex drive then I met a man who set me on fire. Tried to put the breaks on but my desire completely consumed me. I am being extremely careful and trying to figure out how to end it, but so far am unable. I know how that sounds to people who have never been in this situation, but it’s an addiction. I’m trying to find a therapist. I’m trying to do other exciting things in life. I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I feel alive again for the first time in a decade.

I will add, I’m really trying to find a way back to my DH. I am not critical or unkind. In fact, I’m trying hard to be more gentle and forgiving. I’m asking him to make more time for us, I’m trying to be intimate with him but he’s gained weight and I find it hard to get excited to be with him. Things are “fine” but we are definitely coasting and I want us to stay together.

I get it, PP. Step one is to break it off and go no contact with AP. You can't go on like this if you really want to stay together. Do you want your kids shuttling back and forth, do you want to be alone in life, without the person who is arguably your best friend? Get to a therapist asap.

No. I’m terrified of breaking up my family. I don’t care about being alone, but I care about hurting DH and my children. The no contact thing is tricky. We see each other most days and cannot change that. We have tried, but keep breaking down and seeing each other again. I’m sure the passion will fade at some point, but hopefully before I destroy everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it’s a spectrum, the ones at one end are serial cheaters, they like the thrill, couldn’t care less of anyone in the mix, including children, very selfish people, all about them, and at the other end there are the ones that spent most of the relationship miserable and wondering if there is some way out without hurting everyone, good but weak people that cannot face the music and say openly, hey, I’m really sorry, I don’t think this works anymore, let’s talk and help each other out of this … they don’t want to end up lonely, they still value the thing they have but i is not enough and they don’t want to get the blame for ending the relationship

A lot of men are cake eaters. They are happy at home and no desire to end the marriage, but a side bang once in awhile if they get an arrangement going in a bonus. More men are like this than not. Women are the opposite. Polls of cheating men—vast majority said they were “very happy” in their marriage. That’s the reality and that is like the guy’s friend upthread who goes to great pains to make sure his wife never finds out.

I’m a DW like that guy. Content enough in marriage, just struggling with losing my sex drive then I met a man who set me on fire. Tried to put the breaks on but my desire completely consumed me. I am being extremely careful and trying to figure out how to end it, but so far am unable. I know how that sounds to people who have never been in this situation, but it’s an addiction. I’m trying to find a therapist. I’m trying to do other exciting things in life. I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I feel alive again for the first time in a decade.

I will add, I’m really trying to find a way back to my DH. I am not critical or unkind. In fact, I’m trying hard to be more gentle and forgiving. I’m asking him to make more time for us, I’m trying to be intimate with him but he’s gained weight and I find it hard to get excited to be with him. Things are “fine” but we are definitely coasting and I want us to stay together.

I understand that you are in an exciting, forbidden relationship and it will take everything in your will to remove yourself - but you will have to or your marriage will end in an explosives divorce. Since I was on the blindsided end, I would suggest the following: remove yourself from his contact - stop seeing him, period. With the nicer weather - suggest walking with him, involve him in some kind of exercise together, consider a romantic outing or just sit on the couch with him - try to rememberers why you fell in love with him and the beautiful family you two created (think about what your holidays will look like, having to alternating thanksgiving with your children- seeing them for half of their lives). The fact that he put on weight is normal and a sign of being content + safe with you - imagine him finding out(and he will) and the devastation it will cause (also for the AP and his family if married) so many lives will be forever altered. It is normal to feel lust with someone new, it’s what you do with those feelings is in your control. If this AP is who you want to be with, then end your marriage, it is only fair to your unsuspecting husband, also it is unfair to be intimate with him while with another. I can almost assure you that these intense feelings for your AP is purely chemical and deceiving, mere projection and fantasy in a pretend world of stars and rainbows.

Please end it now, devote 100% of the energy to your husband and family, your home and life. It will never work if you are constantly thinking and being with another, you will always compare the two, with the demise of your marriage

Your family deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it’s a spectrum, the ones at one end are serial cheaters, they like the thrill, couldn’t care less of anyone in the mix, including children, very selfish people, all about them, and at the other end there are the ones that spent most of the relationship miserable and wondering if there is some way out without hurting everyone, good but weak people that cannot face the music and say openly, hey, I’m really sorry, I don’t think this works anymore, let’s talk and help each other out of this … they don’t want to end up lonely, they still value the thing they have but i is not enough and they don’t want to get the blame for ending the relationship

A lot of men are cake eaters. They are happy at home and no desire to end the marriage, but a side bang once in awhile if they get an arrangement going in a bonus. More men are like this than not. Women are the opposite. Polls of cheating men—vast majority said they were “very happy” in their marriage. That’s the reality and that is like the guy’s friend upthread who goes to great pains to make sure his wife never finds out.

I’m a DW like that guy. Content enough in marriage, just struggling with losing my sex drive then I met a man who set me on fire. Tried to put the breaks on but my desire completely consumed me. I am being extremely careful and trying to figure out how to end it, but so far am unable. I know how that sounds to people who have never been in this situation, but it’s an addiction. I’m trying to find a therapist. I’m trying to do other exciting things in life. I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I feel alive again for the first time in a decade.

I will add, I’m really trying to find a way back to my DH. I am not critical or unkind. In fact, I’m trying hard to be more gentle and forgiving. I’m asking him to make more time for us, I’m trying to be intimate with him but he’s gained weight and I find it hard to get excited to be with him. Things are “fine” but we are definitely coasting and I want us to stay together.

I understand that you are in an exciting, forbidden relationship and it will take everything in your will to remove yourself - but you will have to or your marriage will end in an explosives divorce. Since I was on the blindsided end, I would suggest the following: remove yourself from his contact - stop seeing him, period. With the nicer weather - suggest walking with him, involve him in some kind of exercise together, consider a romantic outing or just sit on the couch with him - try to rememberers why you fell in love with him and the beautiful family you two created (think about what your holidays will look like, having to alternating thanksgiving with your children- seeing them for half of their lives). The fact that he put on weight is normal and a sign of being content + safe with you - imagine him finding out(and he will) and the devastation it will cause (also for the AP and his family if married) so many lives will be forever altered. It is normal to feel lust with someone new, it’s what you do with those feelings is in your control. If this AP is who you want to be with, then end your marriage, it is only fair to your unsuspecting husband, also it is unfair to be intimate with him while with another. I can almost assure you that these intense feelings for your AP is purely chemical and deceiving, mere projection and fantasy in a pretend world of stars and rainbows.

Please end it now, devote 100% of the energy to your husband and family, your home and life. It will never work if you are constantly thinking and being with another, you will always compare the two, with the demise of your marriage

Your family deserves better.

You are absolutely right. I am going to refer back to this and read it every morning. I appreciate your kind and understanding tone when I feel like such a piece of sh!t. I must do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it’s a spectrum, the ones at one end are serial cheaters, they like the thrill, couldn’t care less of anyone in the mix, including children, very selfish people, all about them, and at the other end there are the ones that spent most of the relationship miserable and wondering if there is some way out without hurting everyone, good but weak people that cannot face the music and say openly, hey, I’m really sorry, I don’t think this works anymore, let’s talk and help each other out of this … they don’t want to end up lonely, they still value the thing they have but i is not enough and they don’t want to get the blame for ending the relationship

A lot of men are cake eaters. They are happy at home and no desire to end the marriage, but a side bang once in awhile if they get an arrangement going in a bonus. More men are like this than not. Women are the opposite. Polls of cheating men—vast majority said they were “very happy” in their marriage. That’s the reality and that is like the guy’s friend upthread who goes to great pains to make sure his wife never finds out.

I’m a DW like that guy. Content enough in marriage, just struggling with losing my sex drive then I met a man who set me on fire. Tried to put the breaks on but my desire completely consumed me. I am being extremely careful and trying to figure out how to end it, but so far am unable. I know how that sounds to people who have never been in this situation, but it’s an addiction. I’m trying to find a therapist. I’m trying to do other exciting things in life. I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I feel alive again for the first time in a decade.

I will add, I’m really trying to find a way back to my DH. I am not critical or unkind. In fact, I’m trying hard to be more gentle and forgiving. I’m asking him to make more time for us, I’m trying to be intimate with him but he’s gained weight and I find it hard to get excited to be with him. Things are “fine” but we are definitely coasting and I want us to stay together.

I understand that you are in an exciting, forbidden relationship and it will take everything in your will to remove yourself - but you will have to or your marriage will end in an explosives divorce. Since I was on the blindsided end, I would suggest the following: remove yourself from his contact - stop seeing him, period. With the nicer weather - suggest walking with him, involve him in some kind of exercise together, consider a romantic outing or just sit on the couch with him - try to rememberers why you fell in love with him and the beautiful family you two created (think about what your holidays will look like, having to alternating thanksgiving with your children- seeing them for half of their lives). The fact that he put on weight is normal and a sign of being content + safe with you - imagine him finding out(and he will) and the devastation it will cause (also for the AP and his family if married) so many lives will be forever altered. It is normal to feel lust with someone new, it’s what you do with those feelings is in your control. If this AP is who you want to be with, then end your marriage, it is only fair to your unsuspecting husband, also it is unfair to be intimate with him while with another. I can almost assure you that these intense feelings for your AP is purely chemical and deceiving, mere projection and fantasy in a pretend world of stars and rainbows.

Please end it now, devote 100% of the energy to your husband and family, your home and life. It will never work if you are constantly thinking and being with another, you will always compare the two, with the demise of your marriage

Your family deserves better.

You are absolutely right. I am going to refer back to this and read it every morning. I appreciate your kind and understanding tone when I feel like such a piece of sh!t. I must do better.

I'm not the PP but I went through something similar, the difference is that I didn't have the affair. I'm still struggling but between good days of strength and what might as well be divine intervention, I'm faithful to DH. I posted about it 5 years ago and again earlier this year in this thread. I felt that most of the advice on that thread helped me regain perspective. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/617995.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it’s a spectrum, the ones at one end are serial cheaters, they like the thrill, couldn’t care less of anyone in the mix, including children, very selfish people, all about them, and at the other end there are the ones that spent most of the relationship miserable and wondering if there is some way out without hurting everyone, good but weak people that cannot face the music and say openly, hey, I’m really sorry, I don’t think this works anymore, let’s talk and help each other out of this … they don’t want to end up lonely, they still value the thing they have but i is not enough and they don’t want to get the blame for ending the relationship

A lot of men are cake eaters. They are happy at home and no desire to end the marriage, but a side bang once in awhile if they get an arrangement going in a bonus. More men are like this than not. Women are the opposite. Polls of cheating men—vast majority said they were “very happy” in their marriage. That’s the reality and that is like the guy’s friend upthread who goes to great pains to make sure his wife never finds out.

I’m a DW like that guy. Content enough in marriage, just struggling with losing my sex drive then I met a man who set me on fire. Tried to put the breaks on but my desire completely consumed me. I am being extremely careful and trying to figure out how to end it, but so far am unable. I know how that sounds to people who have never been in this situation, but it’s an addiction. I’m trying to find a therapist. I’m trying to do other exciting things in life. I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I feel alive again for the first time in a decade.

I will add, I’m really trying to find a way back to my DH. I am not critical or unkind. In fact, I’m trying hard to be more gentle and forgiving. I’m asking him to make more time for us, I’m trying to be intimate with him but he’s gained weight and I find it hard to get excited to be with him. Things are “fine” but we are definitely coasting and I want us to stay together.

I get it, PP. Step one is to break it off and go no contact with AP. You can't go on like this if you really want to stay together. Do you want your kids shuttling back and forth, do you want to be alone in life, without the person who is arguably your best friend? Get to a therapist asap.

Yes, to a therapist stat. I am so glad you posted- people need to see it is not all Witches and Warlocks cackling about their duped spouses in their dens of iniquity. Chances are good this is a mid-life crisis and the void you feel is entirely internal. Be aware you could end up in multiple affairs, even if you break up with this one. It is a slippery slope and very difficult to go back to the mundane. Don’t chase the dragon, it ends in despair and remorse- even if you don’t get caught.

[Anonymous]

I’d like to add to this thread the devastating effects on children. I was a preteen when my stepdad started cheating on my mom (when their child, my half-brother, was a toddler) and his AP’s kid was a baby - she was married too. Intuitively - subconsciously - I knew there was something amiss. I’d gone out with a friend one Friday night when my mom was away on business and we came back very late - I thought I’d be in trouble! When I got home, my stepdad very calmly introduced my friend and I to his AP - even though he said she was a “work friend,”my twelve-year-old self knew what was happening WASNT right, and I also knew not to tell my mom. The burden was immense. My mother - being gaslit at the time - became a pretty crappy mother.

The fallout was awful. I had to experience a second divorce before I turned 18. I had to witness my mom go through intense depression and financial difficulties. I had to see my stepdad happily remarry with no regard to my mother, me, or my brother. The selfishness and immaturity is unbelievable. It affected my views about marriage, faithfulness, and commitment to this day. Sidebar: his former AP, now wife’s, child is in a long-term mental institution. My own brother (stepdad’s kid) is very emotionally stunted and unable to maintain emotional intimacy with anyone.

Cheaters don’t think about any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it’s a spectrum, the ones at one end are serial cheaters, they like the thrill, couldn’t care less of anyone in the mix, including children, very selfish people, all about them, and at the other end there are the ones that spent most of the relationship miserable and wondering if there is some way out without hurting everyone, good but weak people that cannot face the music and say openly, hey, I’m really sorry, I don’t think this works anymore, let’s talk and help each other out of this … they don’t want to end up lonely, they still value the thing they have but i is not enough and they don’t want to get the blame for ending the relationship

A lot of men are cake eaters. They are happy at home and no desire to end the marriage, but a side bang once in awhile if they get an arrangement going in a bonus. More men are like this than not. Women are the opposite. Polls of cheating men—vast majority said they were “very happy” in their marriage. That’s the reality and that is like the guy’s friend upthread who goes to great pains to make sure his wife never finds out.

I’m a DW like that guy. Content enough in marriage, just struggling with losing my sex drive then I met a man who set me on fire. Tried to put the breaks on but my desire completely consumed me. I am being extremely careful and trying to figure out how to end it, but so far am unable. I know how that sounds to people who have never been in this situation, but it’s an addiction. I’m trying to find a therapist. I’m trying to do other exciting things in life. I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I feel alive again for the first time in a decade.

I will add, I’m really trying to find a way back to my DH. I am not critical or unkind. In fact, I’m trying hard to be more gentle and forgiving. I’m asking him to make more time for us, I’m trying to be intimate with him but he’s gained weight and I find it hard to get excited to be with him. Things are “fine” but we are definitely coasting and I want us to stay together.

I get it, PP. Step one is to break it off and go no contact with AP. You can't go on like this if you really want to stay together. Do you want your kids shuttling back and forth, do you want to be alone in life, without the person who is arguably your best friend? Get to a therapist asap.

She can't go on if this gets discovered which it likely will the longer it goes on.

I can tell you what it does to a betrayed spouse/family...and even the cheater as I have had firsthand close-up experience of that fallout. What you are doing is so NOT worth that level of pain and trauma. End it or divorce.

[Anonymous]

I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I

Your posts are full of rationalizations. You must tell yourself a different narrative. You CAN give this up, but must choose to do so. The damage you are set to inflict on your DH and kids is so unfair - don’t saddle them with your bad choices. And to knowingly participate in the destruction of another family? How would you live with that? If you work together, find another job. You have to go no contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I

Your posts are full of rationalizations. You must tell yourself a different narrative. You CAN give this up, but must choose to do so. The damage you are set to inflict on your DH and kids is so unfair - don’t saddle them with your bad choices. And to knowingly participate in the destruction of another family? How would you live with that? If you work together, find another job. You have to go no contact.

+100

For literally nothing but her own selfish needs. The payout isn't worth the lifetime of trouble and trauma you create for people you supposedly love, not to mention another wife and kids that you are also contributing to hurting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I

Your posts are full of rationalizations. You must tell yourself a different narrative. You CAN give this up, but must choose to do so. The damage you are set to inflict on your DH and kids is so unfair - don’t saddle them with your bad choices. And to knowingly participate in the destruction of another family? How would you live with that? If you work together, find another job. You have to go no contact.

+100

For literally nothing but her own selfish needs. The payout isn't worth the lifetime of trouble and trauma you create for people you supposedly love, not to mention another wife and kids that you are also contributing to hurting.

I am one of the PPs advising this poster to cut all contact. However, as a society we are definitely missing something that is driving otherwise decent people to cheat. I don't have the solution. I certainly don't think it's polygamy/polyamory or anything of the sort. But just telling people DON'T DO IT is obviously not working for at least 30% of married folk, and probably more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I

Your posts are full of rationalizations. You must tell yourself a different narrative. You CAN give this up, but must choose to do so. The damage you are set to inflict on your DH and kids is so unfair - don’t saddle them with your bad choices. And to knowingly participate in the destruction of another family? How would you live with that? If you work together, find another job. You have to go no contact.

+100

For literally nothing but her own selfish needs. The payout isn't worth the lifetime of trouble and trauma you create for people you supposedly love, not to mention another wife and kids that you are also contributing to hurting.

I am one of the PPs advising this poster to cut all contact. However, as a society we are definitely missing something that is driving otherwise decent people to cheat. I don't have the solution. I certainly don't think it's polygamy/polyamory or anything of the sort. But just telling people DON'T DO IT is obviously not working for at least 30% of married folk, and probably more.

Humans are greedy, weak, selfish, and often stupid little monkeys.

Not a damn thing that society can do about that.

In fact, our whole society is based on this reality.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Thanks for the tough love, folks. I posted on here because I know I need to hear it.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the partner deserves to be cheated on—they are stuck in a marriage and the threat of losing their kids are held over them. So they either leave asap, or cheat for sanity and to buy time.

Life is not black and white. Not all cheaters are bad. Not all faithful spouses are good.

Everyone defines marriage differently. Classic marriage for life between a man and a woman has evolved, as has marital expectations.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the partner deserves to be cheated on—they are stuck in a marriage and the threat of losing their kids are held over them. So they either leave asap, or cheat for sanity and to buy time.

Life is not black and white. Not all cheaters are bad. Not all faithful spouses are good.

Everyone defines marriage differently. Classic marriage for life between a man and a woman has evolved, as has marital expectations.

This is right out of the cheater’s handbook, and clearly written by a cheater. There is ALWAYS the choice to leave. Bad marriage? Leave. Emotional abuse? Leave. No sex? Leave. Just leave!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sometimes the partner deserves to be cheated on—they are stuck in a marriage and the threat of losing their kids are held over them. So they either leave asap, or cheat for sanity and to buy time.

Life is not black and white. Not all cheaters are bad. Not all faithful spouses are good.

Everyone defines marriage differently. Classic marriage for life between a man and a woman has evolved, as has marital expectations.

This is right out of the cheater’s handbook, and clearly written by a cheater. There is ALWAYS the choice to leave. Bad marriage? Leave. Emotional abuse? Leave. No sex? Leave. Just leave!!!

Seriously. There are laws in the US to protect people from not being able to see their kids. I don't get the rationale. No one deserves to be cheated on.