Cheaters

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it’s a spectrum, the ones at one end are serial cheaters, they like the thrill, couldn’t care less of anyone in the mix, including children, very selfish people, all about them, and at the other end there are the ones that spent most of the relationship miserable and wondering if there is some way out without hurting everyone, good but weak people that cannot face the music and say openly, hey, I’m really sorry, I don’t think this works anymore, let’s talk and help each other out of this … they don’t want to end up lonely, they still value the thing they have but i is not enough and they don’t want to get the blame for ending the relationship

A lot of men are cake eaters. They are happy at home and no desire to end the marriage, but a side bang once in awhile if they get an arrangement going in a bonus. More men are like this than not. Women are the opposite. Polls of cheating men—vast majority said they were “very happy” in their marriage. That’s the reality and that is like the guy’s friend upthread who goes to great pains to make sure his wife never finds out.

I’m a DW like that guy. Content enough in marriage, just struggling with losing my sex drive then I met a man who set me on fire. Tried to put the breaks on but my desire completely consumed me. I am being extremely careful and trying to figure out how to end it, but so far am unable. I know how that sounds to people who have never been in this situation, but it’s an addiction. I’m trying to find a therapist. I’m trying to do other exciting things in life. I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I feel alive again for the first time in a decade.

I will add, I’m really trying to find a way back to my DH. I am not critical or unkind. In fact, I’m trying hard to be more gentle and forgiving. I’m asking him to make more time for us, I’m trying to be intimate with him but he’s gained weight and I find it hard to get excited to be with him. Things are “fine” but we are definitely coasting and I want us to stay together.

PP, How are you doing/what's going on?

Still haven't been able to cut the strings entirely (still trying without success to find a therapist), and connecting a bit more with DH. The fire is waning a bit which makes me feel some relief that I'm not so consumed and out of my mind as I was before. Reading relationship books, trying to discover my own motivations, engage in more activities to break the boredom of everyday life. Trying, trying very hard, which I know sounds pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent a decade with a cheater and I can tell you, it is more about them not wanting to face the truth of themselves. While they are gaslighting you, they are also gaslighting themselves. They want to be the great partner / lover / friend you bought into and cannot imagine a broken version of themself.

Ulitimately it can lead to a massive breakdown.

+100

I have a friend in this situation and am trying to tell him in the nicest possible way it will all blow up in his face but am getting nowhere. "I am not hurting anyone" and "we (he and AP) are just having a little fun." I'm at the point of just walking away from the friendship but I've known him forever and think of him as my little brother--he's six years younger and we grew up together. I still can't reconcile what I know about him (a stand up guy, devoted dad, etc) and this behavior.

Compartmentalization and disassociation. He’s not hurting anyone because nobody will find out . He thinks he is respecting his wife by keeping it a secret and never saying anything bad about her. 1-2 hours a month isn’t taking time from the family and it makes him less angry/a better dad/husband.

Oh the lies they tell themselves. It’s a very delusional world where both married affair partners can convince themselves they deserve some fun on the side and it isn’t hurting anyone. I’m not in love. It’s just sex so why should anyone care? He/she is married so they are safe, I don’t need to use condoms.

It will end in an explosive, spectacular fashion. It causes a near nervous breakdown when their secret is revealed and now their family and friends see what they have done. It doesn’t align with their inner values of how they see themselves as moral, honest and a good person with integrity. The shame is immense and the humiliation they feel. They severely underestimated the level of pain and trauma it would cause all of their loved ones, even their own parents. Most cannot stand seeing what they have done to those that they love.

Yeah. Your friend is in complete delusion and nothing you say will matter. “He’s got it under control.” He’s likely even cocky about it. He will cause a lifelong trauma to his spouse/kids. Anyone decent couldn’t live with themselves after that.

Not all affairs become known. People are delusional to think that it will always come out. I understand that feeling because it seems unfair if they get away with it. But believe me, there are way more affairs happening than anyone ever knows about.

Hahahaha. That is exactly what my cheating now ex thought until it all came out in the most unexpected way. And then hr continued to cheat, thinking he was covering his tracks well, but I am no dummy and was keeping tabs on him. He continued to lie and lie and lie, thinking that it would stay hidden.

The look of shock on his face when he realized he blew up his own life … priceless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent a decade with a cheater and I can tell you, it is more about them not wanting to face the truth of themselves. While they are gaslighting you, they are also gaslighting themselves. They want to be the great partner / lover / friend you bought into and cannot imagine a broken version of themself.

Ulitimately it can lead to a massive breakdown.

+100

I have a friend in this situation and am trying to tell him in the nicest possible way it will all blow up in his face but am getting nowhere. "I am not hurting anyone" and "we (he and AP) are just having a little fun." I'm at the point of just walking away from the friendship but I've known him forever and think of him as my little brother--he's six years younger and we grew up together. I still can't reconcile what I know about him (a stand up guy, devoted dad, etc) and this behavior.

Compartmentalization and disassociation. He’s not hurting anyone because nobody will find out . He thinks he is respecting his wife by keeping it a secret and never saying anything bad about her. 1-2 hours a month isn’t taking time from the family and it makes him less angry/a better dad/husband.

Oh the lies they tell themselves. It’s a very delusional world where both married affair partners can convince themselves they deserve some fun on the side and it isn’t hurting anyone. I’m not in love. It’s just sex so why should anyone care? He/she is married so they are safe, I don’t need to use condoms.

It will end in an explosive, spectacular fashion. It causes a near nervous breakdown when their secret is revealed and now their family and friends see what they have done. It doesn’t align with their inner values of how they see themselves as moral, honest and a good person with integrity. The shame is immense and the humiliation they feel. They severely underestimated the level of pain and trauma it would cause all of their loved ones, even their own parents. Most cannot stand seeing what they have done to those that they love.

Yeah. Your friend is in complete delusion and nothing you say will matter. “He’s got it under control.” He’s likely even cocky about it. He will cause a lifelong trauma to his spouse/kids. Anyone decent couldn’t live with themselves after that.

Not all affairs become known. People are delusional to think that it will always come out. I understand that feeling because it seems unfair if they get away with it. But believe me, there are way more affairs happening than anyone ever knows about.

Hahahaha. That is exactly what my cheating now ex thought until it all came out in the most unexpected way. And then hr continued to cheat, thinking he was covering his tracks well, but I am no dummy and was keeping tabs on him. He continued to lie and lie and lie, thinking that it would stay hidden.

The look of shock on his face when he realized he blew up his own life … priceless.

How did it come out and how'd you keep tabs? I may be in a similar situation...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it’s a spectrum, the ones at one end are serial cheaters, they like the thrill, couldn’t care less of anyone in the mix, including children, very selfish people, all about them, and at the other end there are the ones that spent most of the relationship miserable and wondering if there is some way out without hurting everyone, good but weak people that cannot face the music and say openly, hey, I’m really sorry, I don’t think this works anymore, let’s talk and help each other out of this … they don’t want to end up lonely, they still value the thing they have but i is not enough and they don’t want to get the blame for ending the relationship

A lot of men are cake eaters. They are happy at home and no desire to end the marriage, but a side bang once in awhile if they get an arrangement going in a bonus. More men are like this than not. Women are the opposite. Polls of cheating men—vast majority said they were “very happy” in their marriage. That’s the reality and that is like the guy’s friend upthread who goes to great pains to make sure his wife never finds out.

I’m a DW like that guy. Content enough in marriage, just struggling with losing my sex drive then I met a man who set me on fire. Tried to put the breaks on but my desire completely consumed me. I am being extremely careful and trying to figure out how to end it, but so far am unable. I know how that sounds to people who have never been in this situation, but it’s an addiction. I’m trying to find a therapist. I’m trying to do other exciting things in life. I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I feel alive again for the first time in a decade.

I will add, I’m really trying to find a way back to my DH. I am not critical or unkind. In fact, I’m trying hard to be more gentle and forgiving. I’m asking him to make more time for us, I’m trying to be intimate with him but he’s gained weight and I find it hard to get excited to be with him. Things are “fine” but we are definitely coasting and I want us to stay together.

PP, How are you doing/what's going on?

Still haven't been able to cut the strings entirely (still trying without success to find a therapist), and connecting a bit more with DH. The fire is waning a bit which makes me feel some relief that I'm not so consumed and out of my mind as I was before. Reading relationship books, trying to discover my own motivations, engage in more activities to break the boredom of everyday life. Trying, trying very hard, which I know sounds pathetic.

Trying is better than not trying but you really owe it to yourself to find a good therapist to help you through this. Have you tried online?