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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]it’s a spectrum, the ones at one end are serial cheaters, they like the thrill, couldn’t care less of anyone in the mix, including children, very selfish people, all about them, and at the other end there are the ones that spent most of the relationship miserable and wondering if there is some way out without hurting everyone, good but weak people that cannot face the music and say openly, hey, I’m really sorry, I don’t think this works anymore, let’s talk and help each other out of this … they don’t want to end up lonely, they still value the thing they have but i is not enough and they don’t want to get the blame for ending the relationship[/quote]

A lot of men are cake eaters.  They are happy at home and no desire to end the marriage, but a side bang once in awhile if they get an arrangement going in a bonus.  More men are like this than not.  Women are the opposite.  Polls of cheating men—vast majority said they were “very happy” in their marriage.  That’s the reality and that is like the guy’s friend upthread who goes to great pains to make sure his wife never finds out.[/quote]
I’m a DW like that guy. Content enough in marriage, just struggling with losing my sex drive then I met a man who set me on fire. Tried to put the breaks on but my desire completely consumed me. I am being extremely careful and trying to figure out how to end it, but so far am unable. I know how that sounds to people who have never been in this situation, but it’s an addiction. I’m trying to find a therapist. I’m trying to do other exciting things in life. I want to keep my family together, but I cannot yet give this situation up. I feel alive again for the first time in a decade. [/quote]
I will add, I’m really trying to find a way back to my DH. I am not critical or unkind. In fact, I’m trying hard to be more gentle and forgiving. I’m asking him to make more time for us, I’m trying to be intimate with him but he’s gained weight and I find it hard to get excited to be with him. Things are “fine” but we are definitely coasting and I want us to stay together. [/quote]

I understand that you are in an exciting, forbidden relationship and it will take everything in your will to remove yourself - but you will have to or your marriage will end in an explosives divorce. Since I was on the blindsided end, I would suggest the following: remove yourself from his contact - stop seeing him, period. With the nicer weather  - suggest walking with him, involve him in some kind of exercise together, consider a romantic outing or just sit on the couch with him - try to rememberers why you fell in love with him and the beautiful family you two created (think about what your holidays will look like, having to alternating thanksgiving with your children- seeing them for half of their lives). The fact that he put on weight is normal and a sign of being content + safe with you -  imagine him finding out(and he will) and the devastation it will cause (also for the AP and his family if married) so many lives will be forever altered. It is normal to feel lust with someone new, it’s what you do with those feelings is in your control. If this AP is who you want to be with, then end your marriage, it is only fair to your unsuspecting husband, also it is unfair to be intimate with him while with another. I can almost assure you that these intense feelings for your AP is purely chemical and deceiving, mere projection and fantasy in a pretend world of stars and rainbows.

Please end it now, devote 100% of the energy to your husband and family, your home and life. It will never work if you are constantly thinking and being with another, you will always compare the two, with the demise of your marriage

Your family deserves better.[/quote]
You are absolutely right. I am going to refer back to this and read it every morning. I appreciate your kind and understanding tone when I feel like such a piece of sh!t. I must do better. [/quote]

I'm not the PP but I went through something similar, the difference is that I didn't have the affair. I'm still struggling but between good days of strength and what might as well be divine intervention, I'm faithful to DH. I posted about it 5 years ago and again earlier this year in this thread. I felt that most of the advice on that thread helped me regain perspective. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/617995.page[/quote]

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