Wife is just lazy

[Anonymous]

If you sounded genuinely interested in understanding her and adjusting your approach to make your life better, I’d give you some actual advice. I was like your wife and things changed. But I’m guessing that right now you’re just angry, you need commiseration, and aren’t actually ready to make real changes.

[Anonymous]

You want her to lose weight but you’re complaining that the gym she found (and goes to every day) costs $50/month? You know that is dirt-cheap right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work as a fitness and nutrition coach, and I worked with a lot of SAHMs like your wife.

Lack of exercise is almost never about laziness. Most SAHMs have a long history of attempting to lose weight, work, etc. But they end up pulled in a million different directions - they want to work, but their H won’t handle half of the sick days or pickups. They want to work out, but society makes them feel guilty for not devoting that time to their families. They try to balance work and life by getting involved in things like MLMs, which are enticing because they promise you can make a ton of money while also raising kids full-time, but of course always fail.

After years of these “failures”, they lose all hope. Most of the time, their H’s are unsupportive, like you are. They see “my wife cannot run 30 minutes” rather than “wow, my wife is going to the gym every day, how awesome that she is doing something for herself and improving herself!” Improvement in health is a long, slow game, not a “be able to run a 5k in 8 weeks”.

Making things worse, they usually have to ask their husbands for permission to spend money on themselves. So you have a perfect storm of years of martyring, a husband who sees them as a failure, and who denies them access to the money and support that WILL help them thrive. They end up severely depressed and exactly like your W.

If you truly want to help her, be supportive. Don’t stress over the house and cooking - that will come. First, she needs to regain autonomy and control over her life. She needs to feel supported. Let her know you think it’s fantastic she’s going to the gym. Ask if she’d like to do personal training sessions and make it happen. Take an interest in her dreams - I promise you, she has them. Listen to what her dreams are and let her know you want to help her achieve them. She needs to re-discover herself and her identity.

You sound like a good coach, PP! She’s going to the gym and making an effort, that’s something to be celebrated

+1

And the point about failures piling up over the course of *years* is so true. My DH was like OP (or at least like these husbands) for several years and gaining my confidence back has been so hard. Thank goodness DH is more supportive now, even though he doesn’t really understand what I went through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work as a fitness and nutrition coach, and I worked with a lot of SAHMs like your wife.

Lack of exercise is almost never about laziness. Most SAHMs have a long history of attempting to lose weight, work, etc. But they end up pulled in a million different directions - they want to work, but their H won’t handle half of the sick days or pickups. They want to work out, but society makes them feel guilty for not devoting that time to their families. They try to balance work and life by getting involved in things like MLMs, which are enticing because they promise you can make a ton of money while also raising kids full-time, but of course always fail.

After years of these “failures”, they lose all hope. Most of the time, their H’s are unsupportive, like you are. They see “my wife cannot run 30 minutes” rather than “wow, my wife is going to the gym every day, how awesome that she is doing something for herself and improving herself!” Improvement in health is a long, slow game, not a “be able to run a 5k in 8 weeks”.

Making things worse, they usually have to ask their husbands for permission to spend money on themselves. So you have a perfect storm of years of martyring, a husband who sees them as a failure, and who denies them access to the money and support that WILL help them thrive. They end up severely depressed and exactly like your W.

If you truly want to help her, be supportive. Don’t stress over the house and cooking - that will come. First, she needs to regain autonomy and control over her life. She needs to feel supported. Let her know you think it’s fantastic she’s going to the gym. Ask if she’d like to do personal training sessions and make it happen. Take an interest in her dreams - I promise you, she has them. Listen to what her dreams are and let her know you want to help her achieve them. She needs to re-discover herself and her identity.

With ONE ten-year old, there's zero reason for this tired old horse of "sick days and pickups". You need just one well spent hour in the gym, and not even every day. Don't try to tell me that his wife doesn't have an hour a day with one ten-year old. The indulgence of white American women never ceases to amaze me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work as a fitness and nutrition coach, and I worked with a lot of SAHMs like your wife.

Lack of exercise is almost never about laziness. Most SAHMs have a long history of attempting to lose weight, work, etc. But they end up pulled in a million different directions - they want to work, but their H won’t handle half of the sick days or pickups. They want to work out, but society makes them feel guilty for not devoting that time to their families. They try to balance work and life by getting involved in things like MLMs, which are enticing because they promise you can make a ton of money while also raising kids full-time, but of course always fail.

After years of these “failures”, they lose all hope. Most of the time, their H’s are unsupportive, like you are. They see “my wife cannot run 30 minutes” rather than “wow, my wife is going to the gym every day, how awesome that she is doing something for herself and improving herself!” Improvement in health is a long, slow game, not a “be able to run a 5k in 8 weeks”.

Making things worse, they usually have to ask their husbands for permission to spend money on themselves. So you have a perfect storm of years of martyring, a husband who sees them as a failure, and who denies them access to the money and support that WILL help them thrive. They end up severely depressed and exactly like your W.

If you truly want to help her, be supportive. Don’t stress over the house and cooking - that will come. First, she needs to regain autonomy and control over her life. She needs to feel supported. Let her know you think it’s fantastic she’s going to the gym. Ask if she’d like to do personal training sessions and make it happen. Take an interest in her dreams - I promise you, she has them. Listen to what her dreams are and let her know you want to help her achieve them. She needs to re-discover herself and her identity.

You sound like a good coach, PP! She’s going to the gym and making an effort, that’s something to be celebrated

+1. This is an unbelievably accurate description of my life. (which is finally starting to turn around, Thank God)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work as a fitness and nutrition coach, and I worked with a lot of SAHMs like your wife.

Lack of exercise is almost never about laziness. Most SAHMs have a long history of attempting to lose weight, work, etc. But they end up pulled in a million different directions - they want to work, but their H won’t handle half of the sick days or pickups. They want to work out, but society makes them feel guilty for not devoting that time to their families. They try to balance work and life by getting involved in things like MLMs, which are enticing because they promise you can make a ton of money while also raising kids full-time, but of course always fail.

After years of these “failures”, they lose all hope. Most of the time, their H’s are unsupportive, like you are. They see “my wife cannot run 30 minutes” rather than “wow, my wife is going to the gym every day, how awesome that she is doing something for herself and improving herself!” Improvement in health is a long, slow game, not a “be able to run a 5k in 8 weeks”.

Making things worse, they usually have to ask their husbands for permission to spend money on themselves. So you have a perfect storm of years of martyring, a husband who sees them as a failure, and who denies them access to the money and support that WILL help them thrive. They end up severely depressed and exactly like your W.

If you truly want to help her, be supportive. Don’t stress over the house and cooking - that will come. First, she needs to regain autonomy and control over her life. She needs to feel supported. Let her know you think it’s fantastic she’s going to the gym. Ask if she’d like to do personal training sessions and make it happen. Take an interest in her dreams - I promise you, she has them. Listen to what her dreams are and let her know you want to help her achieve them. She needs to re-discover herself and her identity.

Wow, one of the best posts I have seen on DCUM ever. 100% agree. Help her connect to her own dreams and her own joy and source of energy and well-being.

Also, 100% on personal training. Although I work outside the home and love it, I started with a personal trainer who specializes in injury rehab to help me after podiatrists and physical therapists could not help me over almost a year. This guy not only solved my chronic foot and ankle problem, he is now helping me strengthen my posture and overall fitness, now that I can walk again. I am on a positive spiral up after a year of frustration, lack of exercise and weight gain. He is worth every penny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds depressed, which can make you really low-energy. She needs a job or a hobby or something to get her out of the house.

Lol. Knew that was coming.

Why is it funny that she is literally showing signs of depression, which include low energy and lack of interest/follow-through? I don’t think that’s funny at all. I think it would be helpful for OP to ask his wife if she is depressed or anxious, and offer to help her find a therapist or talk to her doctor about medication. I mean, you’re essentially saying “it’s funny she’s experiencing symptoms”…like would it be funny if she were having Parkinson’s tremors?

[Anonymous]

With ONE ten-year old, there's zero reason for this tired old horse of "sick days and pickups". You need just one well spent hour in the gym, and not even every day. Don't try to tell me that his wife doesn't have an hour a day with one ten-year old. The indulgence of white American women never ceases to amaze me.

Are you saying non-white women hit the gym more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

With ONE ten-year old, there's zero reason for this tired old horse of "sick days and pickups". You need just one well spent hour in the gym, and not even every day. Don't try to tell me that his wife doesn't have an hour a day with one ten-year old. The indulgence of white American women never ceases to amaze me.

Are you saying non-white women hit the gym more?

If you came to our old bus stop, you'd get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want her to lose weight but you’re complaining that the gym she found (and goes to every day) costs $50/month? You know that is dirt-cheap right?

Doesn't matter how much it costs if she doesn't go to it or if she keeps putting donuts in her mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work as a fitness and nutrition coach, and I worked with a lot of SAHMs like your wife.

Lack of exercise is almost never about laziness. Most SAHMs have a long history of attempting to lose weight, work, etc. But they end up pulled in a million different directions - they want to work, but their H won’t handle half of the sick days or pickups. They want to work out, but society makes them feel guilty for not devoting that time to their families. They try to balance work and life by getting involved in things like MLMs, which are enticing because they promise you can make a ton of money while also raising kids full-time, but of course always fail.

After years of these “failures”, they lose all hope. Most of the time, their H’s are unsupportive, like you are. They see “my wife cannot run 30 minutes” rather than “wow, my wife is going to the gym every day, how awesome that she is doing something for herself and improving herself!” Improvement in health is a long, slow game, not a “be able to run a 5k in 8 weeks”.

Making things worse, they usually have to ask their husbands for permission to spend money on themselves. So you have a perfect storm of years of martyring, a husband who sees them as a failure, and who denies them access to the money and support that WILL help them thrive. They end up severely depressed and exactly like your W.

If you truly want to help her, be supportive. Don’t stress over the house and cooking - that will come. First, she needs to regain autonomy and control over her life. She needs to feel supported. Let her know you think it’s fantastic she’s going to the gym. Ask if she’d like to do personal training sessions and make it happen. Take an interest in her dreams - I promise you, she has them. Listen to what her dreams are and let her know you want to help her achieve them. She needs to re-discover herself and her identity.

What a load of BS excuses. It is not that time consuming to exercise effectively. If they are "pulled in other directions" then they have failed to prioritize fitness and that's on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely keep focusing on the fact that she can’t run for 30mins. And the weight. It lets everyone know that you’re just pissed she doesn’t look like she did when you met – and that’s the only thing you actually care about. Winner.

+1

+2. This is the real issue.

A fat body is a window to the mind. Fat people tend to be mentally ill, and lazy.

This is so condescending. What if the person has a hormonal imbalance? You know that endocrinologists claim they fully understand about 25-30% of the human endocrine system and that trial and errors with hormone pills sometimes works and sometimes messes up the system more, leading to considerable weight gain.

Yes, it's all hormonal. That's why divorced women lose so much weight the first 6-8 months after a divorce.

Cortisol is a hormone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work as a fitness and nutrition coach, and I worked with a lot of SAHMs like your wife.

Lack of exercise is almost never about laziness. Most SAHMs have a long history of attempting to lose weight, work, etc. But they end up pulled in a million different directions - they want to work, but their H won’t handle half of the sick days or pickups. They want to work out, but society makes them feel guilty for not devoting that time to their families. They try to balance work and life by getting involved in things like MLMs, which are enticing because they promise you can make a ton of money while also raising kids full-time, but of course always fail.

After years of these “failures”, they lose all hope. Most of the time, their H’s are unsupportive, like you are. They see “my wife cannot run 30 minutes” rather than “wow, my wife is going to the gym every day, how awesome that she is doing something for herself and improving herself!” Improvement in health is a long, slow game, not a “be able to run a 5k in 8 weeks”.

Making things worse, they usually have to ask their husbands for permission to spend money on themselves. So you have a perfect storm of years of martyring, a husband who sees them as a failure, and who denies them access to the money and support that WILL help them thrive. They end up severely depressed and exactly like your W.

If you truly want to help her, be supportive. Don’t stress over the house and cooking - that will come. First, she needs to regain autonomy and control over her life. She needs to feel supported. Let her know you think it’s fantastic she’s going to the gym. Ask if she’d like to do personal training sessions and make it happen. Take an interest in her dreams - I promise you, she has them. Listen to what her dreams are and let her know you want to help her achieve them. She needs to re-discover herself and her identity.

You sound like a good coach, PP! She’s going to the gym and making an effort, that’s something to be celebrated

+1

And the point about failures piling up over the course of *years* is so true. My DH was like OP (or at least like these husbands) for several years and gaining my confidence back has been so hard. Thank goodness DH is more supportive now, even though he doesn’t really understand what I went through.

How did he become more supportive? I think my H is a lost cause. Totally devoid of any empathy and extremely oversensitive to criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want her to lose weight but you’re complaining that the gym she found (and goes to every day) costs $50/month? You know that is dirt-cheap right?

Doesn't matter how much it costs if she doesn't go to it or if she keeps putting donuts in her mouth.

She goes every day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely keep focusing on the fact that she can’t run for 30mins. And the weight. It lets everyone know that you’re just pissed she doesn’t look like she did when you met – and that’s the only thing you actually care about. Winner.

+1

+2. This is the real issue.

A fat body is a window to the mind. Fat people tend to be mentally ill, and lazy.

This is so condescending. What if the person has a hormonal imbalance? You know that endocrinologists claim they fully understand about 25-30% of the human endocrine system and that trial and errors with hormone pills sometimes works and sometimes messes up the system more, leading to considerable weight gain.

Yes, it's all hormonal. That's why divorced women lose so much weight the first 6-8 months after a divorce.

Cortisol is a hormone!

Yes, stress and depression can cause weight gain.

Op truly examine the household burden. Has your wife ever gone away? Because it was only after I was away for two weeks caring for a relative that my husband said he had never realized how much I did. Also I thought childcare would get easier with age and it does in many ways since they don't need constant supervision, but if they do any activities, the time sink of time away from the house increases tremendously.

Your wife might enjoy working again but she may be feeling beat down and insecure. Do as much as possible to prop her up. Married people agree to take care of each other. This may be the season she needs a little more support. It's so much easier to find motivation when you're getting praised for what you are doing than when you're getting criticized.