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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How can I diffuse defensiveness in my husband? Before you blame me, it isn't me. I've examined my behavior. I'm not blaming him or nagging him. And he is the the same thing to the kids. It isn't that we are blaming him for anything. In fact, he got defensive this morning when I offered to do a service for him. It's very frustrting to not know how he's going to respond to a simple request (such as "can I get you a cough drop?" or "would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn?"  literally that level of interaction)

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I notice that you tend to phrase things as simple requests.  Try changing your comments from questions/requests to statements to see if he reacts better to those.

Instead of "can I get you a cough drop?" try "I noticed you have a cough."  You could add  "I hope you're okay."
Instead of "Would you like me to call the guys who mow the lawn."  try "I notice the lawn is getting high again."

These statements call attention to whatever it is, but do not demand a response from him.  And it leaves it up to him if he chooses to respond.  He may feel that the questions/requests feel demanding that he stop what he is doing and respond when he may not want to.  For people who have attention issues and want to maintain focus, interruptions, especially ones that demand attention and response, can be particularly annoying.  So try communicating in statements where he can choose to respond or not rather than demanding a response from every interaction.[/quote]

Interesting thought.I definitely am more straight forward than my husband is and also sometimes jump into the middle of a thought. This could be part of the problem.

Regarding the cough example, the interaction started with "are you ok? you are coughing a lot" ...  he said he wasn't. Then he said "Jesus" under his breath.

To a PP, How does he want to be treated? I has said[b] he'd prefer that I ignore anything he does that is just a given. But to me, none of it is a given. Just because taking out the trash isn't a big chore it still saves me from doing it myself. He isn't obligated to do that, and it is nice that he does it.[/b]

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It sounds like you think that if you have good intentions you can just ignore his wishes. Which is basically telling him that his wishes are wrong.[/quote]

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