Freshman parents - how are you feeling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oldest left for college and it was really ok. I was sad to not have DC in the house but very excited for DC. Now the youngest is leaving and it feels completely different. I am so much more sad. Turning the page on this chapter of parenting feels like a big loss. I knew it was coming but until DC leaving started to get close I didn’t feel the sadness. I do now. Thanks to PPs for posting. It helps to hear how others are feeling.

Exactly the same here. I was briefly a little sad when my older kids left for college, but now that it's my youngest, it's a whole different ballgame. Everything you said is true. I feel a terrible emptiness inside, though I've been trying to distract myself with projects. If I sit and dwell on it too long, the tears start to come, so I try not to. I can't help but wonder what the next half of my life will be like.

[Anonymous]

As the mom of a recently graduated (from college) kid, I can console you guys a little.

The lead up to empty nest for me was worse than the actual drop off/event. In the last weeks of summer after high school, I just made everything so darn momentous and sad in my head. Could not help it.

At dropoff, my DC was SO excited, and surrounded by other smart, healthy young people. It was where she belonged, really on her way. On the drive home, I felt proud of what we had pulled off.

The quiet days that followed at home had their moments, I'll admit it. I would see a food in the grocery store or a show on TV, and wish she was there to share it with. But she texted more than I expected. Each photo from her day was like a small gift.

And, during the MANY breaks from college, I did not really feel like she was "visiting" because we were still her permanent address. Where her pet was and her doctor, etc. Now that she is looking for a real job, I am pretty shaken. Because she will soon make her own home/life. But college was a tolerable change.

Really, and believe me, I am very focused on my only child. If anything now, I find it hard that she keeps coming back and leaving, because I can't get very used to either.

This is, I guess, what we signed up for. Oh so long ago...though it seems like a blink of the eye!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of a recently graduated (from college) kid, I can console you guys a little.

The lead up to empty nest for me was worse than the actual drop off/event. In the last weeks of summer after high school, I just made everything so darn momentous and sad in my head. Could not help it.

At dropoff, my DC was SO excited, and surrounded by other smart, healthy young people. It was where she belonged, really on her way. On the drive home, I felt proud of what we had pulled off.

The quiet days that followed at home had their moments, I'll admit it. I would see a food in the grocery store or a show on TV, and wish she was there to share it with. But she texted more than I expected. Each photo from her day was like a small gift.

And, during the MANY breaks from college, I did not really feel like she was "visiting" because we were still her permanent address. Where her pet was and her doctor, etc. Now that she is looking for a real job, I am pretty shaken. Because she will soon make her own home/life. But college was a tolerable change.

Really, and believe me, I am very focused on my only child. If anything now, I find it hard that she keeps coming back and leaving, because I can't get very used to either.

This is, I guess, what we signed up for. Oh so long ago...though it seems like a blink of the eye!

Thank you for this. Dropping off in a week.

[Anonymous]

The lead up was much worse than after drop off. It took a week and we were sad, but adjusted. Now, when DC didn't come home during the first summer that was hard. Harder than being away at school becauseI expected kid would be home. Still have one at home though, and will be really sad with empty nest (even though I'm thrilled for them to live their lives).

[Anonymous]

We did the drop off yesterday. The lead up all summer was hard. Drop off was a little teary and today is hard. Getting teary randomly even with work and distractions and other kids at home. It’s to be expected I think.

[Anonymous]

Wow! I'm feeling great. My last child is off. I have trips planned and life is good.

[Anonymous]

Dropped off eldest 2 days ago. The grief I’m feeling is pretty intense. Even though I still have 2 younger ones at home, our family dynamics are completely different when the eldest is not around. Not at all liking this new normal. I realize I have to pull it together for the sake of my 2 younger ones, but this sure isn’t easy. I feel like an emotional basket case - a mixture of depression and pride and joy. I wonder when this gets better. Right now, I just feel really down and really miss DD.

[Anonymous]

Just dropped off my eldest son, and held it together while we were at school, but now home and am really feeling it. Only 2 years left with my remaining child, and then that’s it. Definitely not looking forward to what comes after that. My husband and I are estranged and will likely divorce once kids gone-I am sure that contributes to my grief over losing my eldest. Would be a different situation if I had a true life partner to move ahead with in this journey.

[Anonymous]

I felt great and happy! Move in was fun (but sweaty). No sadness, no tears.

Just happy and excited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just dropped off my eldest son, and held it together while we were at school, but now home and am really feeling it. Only 2 years left with my remaining child, and then that’s it. Definitely not looking forward to what comes after that. My husband and I are estranged and will likely divorce once kids gone-I am sure that contributes to my grief over losing my eldest. Would be a different situation if I had a true life partner to move ahead with in this journey.

Same, but mine are daughters. Hang in there, friend.

[Anonymous]

My son has been nervous for the last week or so — he goes next week. And he’s not the type to get nervous. While it’s totally normal to be apprehensive, it has made it harder for me.

[Anonymous]

parent of a sophomore here, first day after drop off and ugh its so quiet in the house again, I HATE it. But I know I lived through all last year with out them and i know I heard from them alot and they visited and I visited, we will get through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son leaves next week and I feel so sad about it. I knew I would but it’s already worse than I expected. I don’t want him to see how sad I am — that works at home but I fear there will be many tears at drop off. The best I can come up with us digging my fingernails into my palms to keep from crying when we drop him off. So very hard.

Sunglasses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of a mess. My youngest is heading to college, so we are looking at an empty nest. DH and I have a strong marriage and found plenty to do pre-kids. In fact, having kids and losing the freedom to pick up and go— away for the night, to a nice dinner, etc. was a huge adjustment. But I’m not sure yet how we navigate back to that mentality of having so much freedom.

My first kid started college in Fall 2020, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought, because we were so focused on the logistics of getting him to school during COVID, uncertainty over whether the college would stay open, anxiously watching COVID numbers at his college— and supporting our HS junior through DL. And he started late, was home Thanksgiving to 2/1, etc. long breaks.

This kid will be different because she was home for more than a year of DL and we became very close. I’m going to miss the heck out of her. And yes, it seems surreal.

I’m trying to practice gratitude. This was always the goal, right— to have a happy, healthy, well adjusted kid ready to leave the nest and start their own lives after graduation. She’s excited for college, and I believe she is ready academically and adulting wise. I know kids she grew up with who crashed during COVID and are going the CC transfer route because of junior year grades (they’ll end up fine, but for now they are unhappily living at home, often with a lot of friction); kids with SNs who may never be able to leave home; parents of kids with EDs or substance abuse or significant mental health issues who are very scared of how their kid will manage.

I believe I did my job as a parent well— or at least gave it 100%. But there was also luck involved to getting DD to this place. There but for the Grace of God.

So, I’m trying to be grateful both kids got into very good fit colleges; they are healthy, happy and productive; they both came out of COVID with mental health intact; even if we hit a recession, we have help from grandparents and savings and can get them through college without loans (them or us). These are amazing outcomes 18 years of hard work.

Sometimes being grateful works. And sometimes thinking about DD leaving hurts so much it feels like a physical pain. It’s going to be a rocky couple of months.

A lot of that pain is the realization that this major, major part of our lives is essentially over. Yes, we'll always be their parents, but their childhood is over. They may come back and live with us, but they'll be adults, living and leading their own lives. It's such a huge adjustment, like turning an ocean liner. Yes, we'll get there and adjust to this new phase of our lives, but letting go, looking back wistfully at all the beautiful moments we shared with them growing up, is really hard and almost physically painful. I find myself looking back on my oldest child's junior year in high school when I was ferrying her back and forth to games as one of the happiest years of my life. College felt so far away, and we were living absolutely in the moment. She was anxious and excited about the next game, and I was there with her, with no time to think about anything else. I'd hoped to repeat that with my youngest, but she spent her junior year on our couch due to the pandemic. And now, she's about to leave for college, and I'm happy for her, but bereft too. Children are the most important, precious things in our lives, and we have to let them go.

Right! The whole point of raising kids is to eventually see them grow up into functioning adults who go out and explore the world. So while we miss our kids, we are thrilled that they are thriving at college and post college in jobs/off on their own. Because ultimately, we don't really want them living in our basement when they are 30.

[Anonymous]

Parent of two grads, one finished last June the other just finished grad school abroad. All the above is what I went through, too but reporting back - they will ALWAYS be around in some fashion - the ease of communications, face time etc...and vacations together and summers when not working elsewhere are treasured. One thing I recall at many colleges/Universities that was not helpful - at first college the big push to stop all contact with parents, try not to call them or vice versa - some kids don't just fit right in swiftly and need to have a parent connection, maybe even need to come home for a weekend sooner than planned. If you sense something is off, go see them in that first quarter or semester - it turned out there was a major issue in a social context and we were able to resolve it in a weekend. The second one used dad's birthday as an excuse to show up in September as a 'surprise', years later admits he was miserable and so glad we didn't make him stay as only a few weeks had passed. I'm not suggesting we shouldn't give them time without us calling (my rule was don't ever call first - but if you only have text messages for a month get them on the phone). Good luck!! They grow up and yet never change, you will laugh when their regular trips home begin to irk your new rhythm.