Freshman parents - how are you feeling?

[Anonymous]

Our oldest is off to a big university only about 30-40 minutes away from home, so we will be able to visit -- with kid's approval in advance, of course. No surprise visits, I promise! Haha. Kid can come home too, although I am prepared not to see much of her. I am excited for our new college freshman, who has worked incredibly hard for this opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly didn't expect to feel this emotional. My oldest leaves in a few weeks so it's all a first for me. I am so happy to see him fly but at the same time there is so much going through my head and random memories and some melancholy I can't seem to shake.

He'll be home for fall break, thanksgiving, winter break, spring break and before you know it, it would be time for summer break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly didn't expect to feel this emotional. My oldest leaves in a few weeks so it's all a first for me. I am so happy to see him fly but at the same time there is so much going through my head and random memories and some melancholy I can't seem to shake.

He'll be home for fall break, thanksgiving, winter break, spring break and before you know it, it would be time for summer break.

and I have to say the summer break is SO long and lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kind of a mess. My youngest is heading to college, so we are looking at an empty nest. DH and I have a strong marriage and found plenty to do pre-kids. In fact, having kids and losing the freedom to pick up and go— away for the night, to a nice dinner, etc. was a huge adjustment. But I’m not sure yet how we navigate back to that mentality of having so much freedom.

My first kid started college in Fall 2020, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought, because we were so focused on the logistics of getting him to school during COVID, uncertainty over whether the college would stay open, anxiously watching COVID numbers at his college— and supporting our HS junior through DL. And he started late, was home Thanksgiving to 2/1, etc. long breaks.

This kid will be different because she was home for more than a year of DL and we became very close. I’m going to miss the heck out of her. And yes, it seems surreal.

I’m trying to practice gratitude. This was always the goal, right— to have a happy, healthy, well adjusted kid ready to leave the nest and start their own lives after graduation. She’s excited for college, and I believe she is ready academically and adulting wise. I know kids she grew up with who crashed during COVID and are going the CC transfer route because of junior year grades (they’ll end up fine, but for now they are unhappily living at home, often with a lot of friction); kids with SNs who may never be able to leave home; parents of kids with EDs or substance abuse or significant mental health issues who are very scared of how their kid will manage.

I believe I did my job as a parent well— or at least gave it 100%. But there was also luck involved to getting DD to this place. There but for the Grace of God.

So, I’m trying to be grateful both kids got into very good fit colleges; they are healthy, happy and productive; they both came out of COVID with mental health intact; even if we hit a recession, we have help from grandparents and savings and can get them through college without loans (them or us). These are amazing outcomes 18 years of hard work.

Sometimes being grateful works. And sometimes thinking about DD leaving hurts so much it feels like a physical pain. It’s going to be a rocky couple of months.

A lot of that pain is the realization that this major, major part of our lives is essentially over. Yes, we'll always be their parents, but their childhood is over. They may come back and live with us, but they'll be adults, living and leading their own lives. It's such a huge adjustment, like turning an ocean liner. Yes, we'll get there and adjust to this new phase of our lives, but letting go, looking back wistfully at all the beautiful moments we shared with them growing up, is really hard and almost physically painful. I find myself looking back on my oldest child's junior year in high school when I was ferrying her back and forth to games as one of the happiest years of my life. College felt so far away, and we were living absolutely in the moment. She was anxious and excited about the next game, and I was there with her, with no time to think about anything else. I'd hoped to repeat that with my youngest, but she spent her junior year on our couch due to the pandemic. And now, she's about to leave for college, and I'm happy for her, but bereft too. Children are the most important, precious things in our lives, and we have to let them go.

[Anonymous]

I was the OP from the "how hard is it to say goodbye" post a fe weeks ago. I'm still having a hard time with the idea of him leaving, but the more excited I see him getting about getting stuff for his dorm, registering for classes, looking at clubs to join, the more excited I am getting for him and my own feelings are starting to take a backseat. I am still heartbroken this time has come and I don't get to keep him little for always, but I've started trying to make plans for myself for when he leaves and that has me feeling a bit more ... resigned (I started to say optimistic, but that's just not true ). I try to remember that this is what I want for him - to be happy and growing and finding confidence in himself in this experience - and that helps. But really, I'm still very sad too.

[Anonymous]

If this gives you any hope… I was not feeling well and went to bed early to read earlier this week. My nearly 6’2”, 19 year old rising sophomore son came up and cuddled up next to me, just wanted to be with me. We just chatted about his freshman year, what he regrets, what he’s happy about, his relationship and how he’s feeling about it going back to school and just life in general. A good, loving relationship with your kid does not just disappear when they go to college. Yes these moments may happen less but they still happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this gives you any hope… I was not feeling well and went to bed early to read earlier this week. My nearly 6’2”, 19 year old rising sophomore son came up and cuddled up next to me, just wanted to be with me. We just chatted about his freshman year, what he regrets, what he’s happy about, his relationship and how he’s feeling about it going back to school and just life in general. A good, loving relationship with your kid does not just disappear when they go to college. Yes these moments may happen less but they still happen.

That’s so sweet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of a mess. My youngest is heading to college, so we are looking at an empty nest. DH and I have a strong marriage and found plenty to do pre-kids. In fact, having kids and losing the freedom to pick up and go— away for the night, to a nice dinner, etc. was a huge adjustment. But I’m not sure yet how we navigate back to that mentality of having so much freedom.

My first kid started college in Fall 2020, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought, because we were so focused on the logistics of getting him to school during COVID, uncertainty over whether the college would stay open, anxiously watching COVID numbers at his college— and supporting our HS junior through DL. And he started late, was home Thanksgiving to 2/1, etc. long breaks.

This kid will be different because she was home for more than a year of DL and we became very close. I’m going to miss the heck out of her. And yes, it seems surreal.

I’m trying to practice gratitude. This was always the goal, right— to have a happy, healthy, well adjusted kid ready to leave the nest and start their own lives after graduation. She’s excited for college, and I believe she is ready academically and adulting wise. I know kids she grew up with who crashed during COVID and are going the CC transfer route because of junior year grades (they’ll end up fine, but for now they are unhappily living at home, often with a lot of friction); kids with SNs who may never be able to leave home; parents of kids with EDs or substance abuse or significant mental health issues who are very scared of how their kid will manage.

I believe I did my job as a parent well— or at least gave it 100%. But there was also luck involved to getting DD to this place. There but for the Grace of God.

So, I’m trying to be grateful both kids got into very good fit colleges; they are healthy, happy and productive; they both came out of COVID with mental health intact; even if we hit a recession, we have help from grandparents and savings and can get them through college without loans (them or us). These are amazing outcomes 18 years of hard work.

Sometimes being grateful works. And sometimes thinking about DD leaving hurts so much it feels like a physical pain. It’s going to be a rocky couple of months.

A lot of that pain is the realization that this major, major part of our lives is essentially over. Yes, we'll always be their parents, but their childhood is over. They may come back and live with us, but they'll be adults, living and leading their own lives. It's such a huge adjustment, like turning an ocean liner. Yes, we'll get there and adjust to this new phase of our lives, but letting go, looking back wistfully at all the beautiful moments we shared with them growing up, is really hard and almost physically painful. I find myself looking back on my oldest child's junior year in high school when I was ferrying her back and forth to games as one of the happiest years of my life. College felt so far away, and we were living absolutely in the moment. She was anxious and excited about the next game, and I was there with her, with no time to think about anything else. I'd hoped to repeat that with my youngest, but she spent her junior year on our couch due to the pandemic. And now, she's about to leave for college, and I'm happy for her, but bereft too. Children are the most important, precious things in our lives, and we have to let them go.

So true. This really resonates with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kind of a mess. My youngest is heading to college, so we are looking at an empty nest. DH and I have a strong marriage and found plenty to do pre-kids. In fact, having kids and losing the freedom to pick up and go— away for the night, to a nice dinner, etc. was a huge adjustment. But I’m not sure yet how we navigate back to that mentality of having so much freedom.

My first kid started college in Fall 2020, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought, because we were so focused on the logistics of getting him to school during COVID, uncertainty over whether the college would stay open, anxiously watching COVID numbers at his college— and supporting our HS junior through DL. And he started late, was home Thanksgiving to 2/1, etc. long breaks.

This kid will be different because she was home for more than a year of DL and we became very close. I’m going to miss the heck out of her. And yes, it seems surreal.

I’m trying to practice gratitude. This was always the goal, right— to have a happy, healthy, well adjusted kid ready to leave the nest and start their own lives after graduation. She’s excited for college, and I believe she is ready academically and adulting wise. I know kids she grew up with who crashed during COVID and are going the CC transfer route because of junior year grades (they’ll end up fine, but for now they are unhappily living at home, often with a lot of friction); kids with SNs who may never be able to leave home; parents of kids with EDs or substance abuse or significant mental health issues who are very scared of how their kid will manage.

I believe I did my job as a parent well— or at least gave it 100%. But there was also luck involved to getting DD to this place. There but for the Grace of God.

So, I’m trying to be grateful both kids got into very good fit colleges; they are healthy, happy and productive; they both came out of COVID with mental health intact; even if we hit a recession, we have help from grandparents and savings and can get them through college without loans (them or us). These are amazing outcomes 18 years of hard work.

Sometimes being grateful works. And sometimes thinking about DD leaving hurts so much it feels like a physical pain. It’s going to be a rocky couple of months.

Yes. That is the most important thing. I feel a lot of gratitude at what some might qualify as average outcomes - healthy, happy kids going to best fit colleges, coming out of COVID ok, finances, family, mental health, physical health - all ok.

So easy for families and kids to get derailed - disease, death, divorce, financial issues, job stress, mental health, physical health, other tragedies. To have your quotidian life chug along peacefully is a huge blessing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I honestly didn't expect to feel this emotional. My oldest leaves in a few weeks so it's all a first for me. I am so happy to see him fly but at the same time there is so much going through my head and random memories and some melancholy I can't seem to shake.

He'll be home for fall break, thanksgiving, winter break, spring break and before you know it, it would be time for summer break.

You don't know this kid's plans. Maybe he's on a track where needs to intern/shadow/volunteer during all those breaks. And that very well could be at the school location.

[Anonymous]

Oldest left for college and it was really ok. I was sad to not have DC in the house but very excited for DC. Now the youngest is leaving and it feels completely different. I am so much more sad. Turning the page on this chapter of parenting feels like a big loss. I knew it was coming but until DC leaving started to get close I didn’t feel the sadness. I do now. Thanks to PPs for posting. It helps to hear how others are feeling.

[Anonymous]

I feel like a part of me is dying.

Overwhelming grief.

He's my oldest. He is ready for the adventure but loves home too. For him, the emotions are rolling off like water off a duck because his brain chemistry biases him to grow and explore.

For me, I'm a sponge, I cannot shake the sadness and the weight of it feels heavier every day. I have 6 days left with him and then he will forever be "visiting".

I'm hiding 95% of this from him but this the worst thing I have ever been through as a parent. I'd take labor any day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a part of me is dying.

Overwhelming grief.

He's my oldest. He is ready for the adventure but loves home too. For him, the emotions are rolling off like water off a duck because his brain chemistry biases him to grow and explore.

For me, I'm a sponge, I cannot shake the sadness and the weight of it feels heavier every day. I have 6 days left with him and then he will forever be "visiting".

I'm hiding 95% of this from him but this the worst thing I have ever been through as a parent. I'd take labor any day.

don't do this to yourself... it's not healthy. DO NOT COUNT the days.

[Anonymous]

My son leaves next week and I feel so sad about it. I knew I would but it’s already worse than I expected. I don’t want him to see how sad I am — that works at home but I fear there will be many tears at drop off. The best I can come up with us digging my fingernails into my palms to keep from crying when we drop him off. So very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son leaves next week and I feel so sad about it. I knew I would but it’s already worse than I expected. I don’t want him to see how sad I am — that works at home but I fear there will be many tears at drop off. The best I can come up with us digging my fingernails into my palms to keep from crying when we drop him off. So very hard.

There will be a lot of excited kids around to keep the mood light. It's about him at that point. Pull the corners of your mouth up in your last act of motherly love. You can cry when you get into the car.