Thanksgiving with siblings when parent estranged from one sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't ask the other sibling to invite someone she is estranged from, mother or not. She's hosting and gets to invite who she wants.

OP here. This is what I figured. Should I not even bring it up? It’s a touchy subject. I guess I just feel guilty but don’t blame sibling for how they got to this point.

Please don’t even mention it to the hosting sibling. I was the one to cut my parents off first. Eventually my sister got there too. She had an off/on relationship with them for years before cutting them off. She kept trying to prove she was a good daughter and make them see she didn’t deserve the abuse she got from them. It sucked to watch but her relationship with them is her own.

If she had asked me to invite them to a holiday visit I’m hosting, knowing how they treated us, knowing they ruin everything they touch, knowing I want to protect my children from the abuse we suffered at their hands… I’d be reevaluating my relationship with her at a minimum. The fact that she would be okay with exposing my children to abuse is way over the line and would make me question her judgment. That she’s more concerned with our abusers’ feelings than mine and hers, and most importantly our children’s, would make me question how she feels about us. Id be very worried about the abuse cycle perpetuating in her home and keep a close eye on her kids as much as I can.

The mere thought of asking me to invite the people who abused me instead of loving me into my home to ruin another holiday is triggering. It brings up a lot of memories, what ifs, negative feelings. Please don’t do that to your sister. It’s cruel. And get some therapy. Then a little more. You shouldn’t be trying to please the people who broke you, and you most definitely shouldn’t be trying to help them break the ones who escape the cycle. You also shouldn’t be normalizing abuse around your children.

OP here. Thank you for taking the time to write this… it is eye opening and good to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to enable your mother to dump her feelings on others and ruin a holiday for everyone else? She's responsible for managing her behavior and she gets to deal with the consequences of when she doesn't. And if you feel guilty about this, then you're still too emeshed with caring for her emotions.

THIS! You are not a "good girl" for worrying about abusive mommy's feelings. You need help. Why do you care more about a perp than about the victim?

In my family the daughter who is most enmeshed with abusive mommy likes to think of herself as a saint for caring so much. She cannot comprehend why her own daughter considers her abusive. She didn't break the pattern because she was too enmeshed and now she risks estrangement with with her own daughter.

+1 I have a lot of unhappy holiday memories from growing up with toxic extended family members. I still can’t help but resent my mother for not doing more to shield me from it and now with my own family we tend to spend more holidays with my in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Do not ask to invite them
Do not mention it to your parents
Do realize that you sound a bit do-dependent on people who are toxic.
I understand nit wanting estrangement but who leaves their kids with people they hope will act right for 2 hours?
Go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

You need your a** beat if you tell your mom about this.
It’s like you want to cause drama because you are used to it.
BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS ARE CRAZY!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't ask the other sibling to invite someone she is estranged from, mother or not. She's hosting and gets to invite who she wants.

OP here. This is what I figured. Should I not even bring it up? It’s a touchy subject. I guess I just feel guilty but don’t blame sibling for how they got to this point.

Please don’t even mention it to the hosting sibling. I was the one to cut my parents off first. Eventually my sister got there too. She had an off/on relationship with them for years before cutting them off. She kept trying to prove she was a good daughter and make them see she didn’t deserve the abuse she got from them. It sucked to watch but her relationship with them is her own.

If she had asked me to invite them to a holiday visit I’m hosting, knowing how they treated us, knowing they ruin everything they touch, knowing I want to protect my children from the abuse we suffered at their hands… I’d be reevaluating my relationship with her at a minimum. The fact that she would be okay with exposing my children to abuse is way over the line and would make me question her judgment. That she’s more concerned with our abusers’ feelings than mine and hers, and most importantly our children’s, would make me question how she feels about us. Id be very worried about the abuse cycle perpetuating in her home and keep a close eye on her kids as much as I can.

The mere thought of asking me to invite the people who abused me instead of loving me into my home to ruin another holiday is triggering. It brings up a lot of memories, what ifs, negative feelings. Please don’t do that to your sister. It’s cruel. And get some therapy. Then a little more. You shouldn’t be trying to please the people who broke you, and you most definitely shouldn’t be trying to help them break the ones who escape the cycle. You also shouldn’t be normalizing abuse around your children.

OP here. Thank you for taking the time to write this… it is eye opening and good to hear.

I’m glad you found it useful. Im not advocating for estrangement. I don’t even know what kind of abuse you suffered (any is too much, but I believe there are degrees and they can be handled differently and still be healthy). That it’s ongoing is what bothers me about your post. You’re still walking on eggshells hoping to please them. Why? They’re not good people. They don’t care more about you then themselves so why do you value their feelings above your own? And why would you open your kids up to this lifestyle? At best, you’re normalizing abuse to the kids and stressing yourself out because you never know when your parents will snap. At worst, you know they’ll snap and you’ll have to decide whether you excuse their behavior to your kids (which teaches the kids you allow abuse or make excuses for it), or you have to shut off a relationship the kids value and you fostered for years. It creates a whole new set of problems including abandonment for the kids.

Think about if this is really a relationship you want to promote or if it’s healthier to set better boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need your a** beat if you tell your mom about this.
It’s like you want to cause drama because you are used to it.
BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS ARE CRAZY!

PP, while I agree with the underlying sentiment, you’re doing the same thing. It’s hypocritical to complain about someone feeding off drama while suggesting they’d benefit from more violence and abuse, yelling with all caps, and having to self censor your words with symbols because you know your post would be deleted otherwise. Telling abuse victims they need a beating is rarely helpful, and probably how her mom would’ve handled the situation.