Reply to Thanksgiving with siblings when parent estranged from one sibling

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]No, you don't ask the other sibling to invite someone she is estranged from, mother or not.  She's hosting and gets to invite who she wants. [/quote]

OP here. This is what I figured. Should I not even bring it up? It’s a touchy subject. I guess I just feel guilty but don’t blame sibling for how they got to this point.[/quote]

Please don’t even mention it to the hosting sibling. I was the one to cut my parents off first. Eventually my sister got there too. She had an off/on relationship with them for years before cutting them off. She kept trying to prove she was a good daughter and make them see she didn’t deserve the abuse she got from them. It sucked to watch but her relationship with them is her own.

If she had asked me to invite them to a holiday visit I’m hosting, knowing how they treated us, knowing they ruin everything they touch, knowing I want to protect my children  from the abuse we suffered at their hands… I’d be reevaluating my relationship with her at a minimum. The fact that she would be okay with exposing my children to abuse is way over the line and would make me question her judgment. That she’s more concerned with our abusers’ feelings than mine and hers, and most importantly our children’s, would make me question how she feels about us. Id be very worried about the abuse cycle perpetuating in her home and keep a close eye on her kids as much as I can.

The mere thought of asking me to invite the people who abused me instead of loving me into my home to ruin another holiday is triggering. It brings up a lot of memories, what ifs, negative feelings. Please don’t do that to your sister. It’s cruel. And get some therapy. Then a little more. You shouldn’t be trying to please the people who broke you, and you most definitely shouldn’t be trying to help them break the ones who escape the cycle. You also shouldn’t be normalizing abuse around your children. [/quote]

OP here. Thank you for taking the time to write this… it is eye opening and good to hear.[/quote]

I’m glad you found it useful. Im not advocating for estrangement. I don’t even know what kind of abuse you suffered (any is too much, but I believe there are degrees and they can be handled differently and still be healthy). That it’s ongoing is what bothers me about your post. You’re still walking on eggshells hoping to please them. Why? They’re not good people. They don’t care more about you then themselves so why do you value their feelings above your own? And why would you open your kids up to this lifestyle? At best, you’re normalizing abuse to the kids and stressing yourself out because you never know when your parents will snap. At worst, you know they’ll snap and you’ll have to decide whether you excuse their behavior to  your kids (which teaches the kids you allow abuse or make excuses for it), or you have to shut off a relationship the kids value and you fostered for years. It creates a whole new set of problems including abandonment for the kids.

Think about if this is really a relationship you want to promote or if it’s healthier to set better boundaries. [/quote]

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