Thanksgiving with siblings when parent estranged from one sibling

[Anonymous]

There are 3 siblings, and we all live in different states from each other and from our parents. Sibling 1 is estranged from mom after a tumultuous upbringing with a lot of emotional abuse, toxicity, and alcohol abuse. Siblings 2 and 3 agree with sibling 1 wanting to be estranged from mom but choose to keep a surface-level relationship going. Siblings haven’t gotten together for over 2 years now because of pandemic and plan to do thanksgiving together. Sibling 1 offered to host. Should I ask sibling 1 to invite our parents to travel to their home and join us for the holiday? It will be awkward if our parents aren’t invited, but will surely also be awkward if they do choose to come. Our mom has a history and reputation for ruining holidays with her emotional outbursts. There are also grandchildren in the picture who would be at the gathering.

For those of you with similar family situations… what have you done about holidays? I want to see my siblings… it’s been 2 years and I haven’t met my niece yet. My parents visit frequently and have a relationship with my kids, but not with sibling 1’s kids. I think thanksgiving will be the most enjoyable if my parents don’t go, quite frankly, but I know they will be deeply hurt so I feel guilty about getting together with my siblings if they aren’t invited.

[Anonymous]

If you recognize that your mother is abusive why in the world would you subject your children to her? I will never understand that.

No you don't invite your parents especially if you aren't the host. If you can't handle that then you go see your sibling on your own and let your sibling have a nice Thanksgiving without a layer of your guilt.

[Anonymous]

If mom knows that she and Sibling #1 are estranged, then I would tell your parents that you're going to Sibling #1's for Thanksgiving. Offer to do Thanksgiving with your parents either the night before you go or the night you get back.

If your mom gets upset, then you have to say you aren't getting in the middle of it. (This is what I had to say to my parents.)

You can't be held hostage by your mother at the expense of your siblings. You have so many relationships to develop for the long term with cousins and siblings after your parents are gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If mom knows that she and Sibling #1 are estranged, then I would tell your parents that you're going to Sibling #1's for Thanksgiving. Offer to do Thanksgiving with your parents either the night before you go or the night you get back.

If your mom gets upset, then you have to say you aren't getting in the middle of it. (This is what I had to say to my parents.)

You can't be held hostage by your mother at the expense of your siblings. You have so many relationships to develop for the long term with cousins and siblings after your parents are gone.

Sorry, meaning that you need to develop those now, and not be solely attached to your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If mom knows that she and Sibling #1 are estranged, then I would tell your parents that you're going to Sibling #1's for Thanksgiving. Offer to do Thanksgiving with your parents either the night before you go or the night you get back.

If your mom gets upset, then you have to say you aren't getting in the middle of it. (This is what I had to say to my parents.)

You can't be held hostage by your mother at the expense of your siblings. You have so many relationships to develop for the long term with cousins and siblings after your parents are gone.

I won’t be able to fly to another state with my kids for a night, so it would be difficult to split the holiday. I do plan to invite my parents to join us for Christmas this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you recognize that your mother is abusive why in the world would you subject your children to her? I will never understand that.

No you don't invite your parents especially if you aren't the host. If you can't handle that then you go see your sibling on your own and let your sibling have a nice Thanksgiving without a layer of your guilt.

Also a good point. I don’t leave my kids alone with her for more than a couple hours. I want them to know their grandparents as long as they are on good behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are 3 siblings, and we all live in different states from each other and from our parents. Sibling 1 is estranged from mom after a tumultuous upbringing with a lot of emotional abuse, toxicity, and alcohol abuse. Siblings 2 and 3 agree with sibling 1 wanting to be estranged from mom but choose to keep a surface-level relationship going. Siblings haven’t gotten together for over 2 years now because of pandemic and plan to do thanksgiving together. Sibling 1 offered to host. Should I ask sibling 1 to invite our parents to travel to their home and join us for the holiday? It will be awkward if our parents aren’t invited, but will surely also be awkward if they do choose to come. Our mom has a history and reputation for ruining holidays with her emotional outbursts. There are also grandchildren in the picture who would be at the gathering.

For those of you with similar family situations… what have you done about holidays? I want to see my siblings… it’s been 2 years and I haven’t met my niece yet. My parents visit frequently and have a relationship with my kids, but not with sibling 1’s kids. I think thanksgiving will be the most enjoyable if my parents don’t go, quite frankly, but I know they will be deeply hurt so I feel guilty about getting together with my siblings if they aren’t invited.

This seems obvious. You do not ask Sibling 1 to invite someone who was abusive, with a history of ruining the holidays, just because you feel guilty about your parents. You celebrate with your parents another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you recognize that your mother is abusive why in the world would you subject your children to her? I will never understand that.

No you don't invite your parents especially if you aren't the host. If you can't handle that then you go see your sibling on your own and let your sibling have a nice Thanksgiving without a layer of your guilt.

Also a good point. I don’t leave my kids alone with her for more than a couple hours. I want them to know their grandparents as long as they are on good behavior.

What is going on here? This is a really bad idea.

[Anonymous]

No, you don't ask the other sibling to invite someone she is estranged from, mother or not. She's hosting and gets to invite who she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't ask the other sibling to invite someone she is estranged from, mother or not. She's hosting and gets to invite who she wants.

OP here. This is what I figured. Should I not even bring it up? It’s a touchy subject. I guess I just feel guilty but don’t blame sibling for how they got to this point.

[Anonymous]

Siblings Thanksgiving without parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't ask the other sibling to invite someone she is estranged from, mother or not. She's hosting and gets to invite who she wants.

Exactly this. OP, as you mentioned up stream, alternate holidays. One year Thanksgiving with siblings, Christmas with parents. Next year could be the reverse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't ask the other sibling to invite someone she is estranged from, mother or not. She's hosting and gets to invite who she wants.

OP here. This is what I figured. Should I not even bring it up? It’s a touchy subject. I guess I just feel guilty but don’t blame sibling for how they got to this point.

Definitely don't mention it. You mentioning this is about you and your relationship to your parents. It is not about your sibling. Your sibling is hosting. They get to invite whoever they want. You have no say. Your only choice is to go or not.

[Anonymous]

No, you do not tell the host who to invite. And if they don't get along and you know it will be uncomfortable for everyone, whyever would you want this? And if your mother is toxic enough for a cut-off from one child and a minimal relationship with two other children, why should the grandchildren be exposed to her behavior?

[Anonymous]

NO, absolutely not. Thank goodness you understood and admit there was abuse. Do you care about and want to protect your sibling? To you care about victims of abuse? If so, you keep your parents away. Step back from this and really think about what you were asking?!