Loneliness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was just in this situation... It was fertile ground for an EA and now I'm separated.

Was the EA discovered and then that led to the separation or were you heading that way anyhow and the EA just made your mind up for you?

It was heading that way anyhow, I revealed it, things got tense. EA is now over but separation is marching forward...

This is us. Are you me?!

Ok. That's crazy talk. There had to be more in both your situations. Most don't divorce over something that was not physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you in a marriage that looks great to the outsiders but inside you are both hurting? You have nothing to talk about other than the kids. What do you do, esp. if kids are young and very attached to both of you?

You try to become a more interesting and loving person and reboot your relationship with your husband.

[Anonymous]

This is so basic that it might sound dumb, but do you watch tv or movies together, OP? DH and I have always had a routine of watching shows together after the kid is in bed, and it provides a surprisingly large amount of bonding. It’s both physically time together, just sitting side by side on the couch, and it gives us a shared frame of reference for discussions and jokes.

Now that DD is a young teen, we’ve started watching family shows together at dinnertime, and it’s worked the same with her too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been married? You say teens so assuming 20 yrs? I can relate a bit as my dh and I sound a bit like your dynamic as not that compatible BUT we do love each other and are truly each other’s best friend. Reflecting back we were never compatible but somehow ended up together😀.

We also talk a lot about the dcs, but we also like to travel now that we have freedom to do so on our schedule so we talk about that. We started researching retirement areas and second homes so that is often a discussion; we talk about world events, an interesting article, family. We don’t do many activities together unless dinner with friends (and we do go out together as a couple as well), or walk the dog.

I love outdoors, sports, exercise, nice restaurants, ethnic food. He does not. I do what I can alone or with friends, he’s willing to do so occasionally, and now that our dcs are older one loves to do things and eat at great restaurants with me. Obviously I don’t know your situation, and your feelings of loneliness should not be discounted, but I do think in many, many relationships what you and I describe is the norm. No answers just letting you know you are not alone.

NP here and I am in a similar boat too. Married 18 years, kids are 14 and 11. I do love him and don't want to split up or disrupt our kids, even once they are adults. I also don't have any energy or desire to date anyone else, nor do I want to live alone. So here I am.

Another NP here: exactly the same boat. We used to best friends but he is now obsessed with his work and focuses on kids. Does not need my companionship or sex anymore. Just sticking around for kids-ages 15 and 10

Another NP - Kids are 15 and 13 and very similar situation. My husband just told me 2 days ago that he's moving out in the next few months. So I guess he made that decision for us. We've been more like roommates for years, but I'm still terrified about separating. Everyone will be shocked because we get along really well. I'm a weird combination of very sad and very relieved.

There is someone else. You know that, right?

This is PP you're responding to. I guess time will tell, but I really don't think so. To me, it would be easier if there were someone else. Something to pin it on, rather than his general depression and discontent. But I guess I won't know unless it's true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in a marriage that looks great to the outsiders but inside you are both hurting? You have nothing to talk about other than the kids. What do you do, esp. if kids are young and very attached to both of you?

Talk about the kids.

No, seriously, you need to find some time with your spouse doing stuff together, cultivating interests, and making an effort to enjoy each other.

Why are you hurting?

We are both hurting. We tried shared interests. I am more of a high-brow person than he is. I like museums, theaters, wineries, nice restaurants. He is happy riding bikes in the mud.

DH and I are opposites and it’s challenging having different interests but we also both like that the other brings something into our lives that we wouldn’t have explored on our own. It’s cliche but do regular date nights and try something new together.

Honestly, the years when kids are young is just hard because it’s hard to have the time and energy to devote to the marriage. But that’s normal. I’m hoping things get better and easier as kids get older and we can go out more together.

Thing is, our kids are not little. We have teenagers. They are wonderful, really, we lucked out. But we don't talk about anything else. I don't know some of his friends. He likes going on guy trips. I tried doing girls only travel and frankly, I hated it.

You hated traveling with your female friends? Why?

Do you have friends outside your marriage? Are you looking to your husband to meet all your social and emotional needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same situation. We get along fine now but basically roommates. Kids are off to camp and it's a great reminder how the passion is long gone and never coming back.

I look at it this way, the loneliness is still better than having two households and crushing our finances.

I would totally have an affair though so perhaps it's less psychologically damaging to know I may find a spark again.

This is about a lack of physical passion, not loneliness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in a marriage that looks great to the outsiders but inside you are both hurting? You have nothing to talk about other than the kids. What do you do, esp. if kids are young and very attached to both of you?

Talk about the kids.

No, seriously, you need to find some time with your spouse doing stuff together, cultivating interests, and making an effort to enjoy each other.

Why are you hurting?

We are both hurting. We tried shared interests. I am more of a high-brow person than he is. I like museums, theaters, wineries, nice restaurants. He is happy riding bikes in the mud.

ugh, YOU again? get some professional help - both individual and as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been married? You say teens so assuming 20 yrs? I can relate a bit as my dh and I sound a bit like your dynamic as not that compatible BUT we do love each other and are truly each other’s best friend. Reflecting back we were never compatible but somehow ended up together😀.

We also talk a lot about the dcs, but we also like to travel now that we have freedom to do so on our schedule so we talk about that. We started researching retirement areas and second homes so that is often a discussion; we talk about world events, an interesting article, family. We don’t do many activities together unless dinner with friends (and we do go out together as a couple as well), or walk the dog.

I love outdoors, sports, exercise, nice restaurants, ethnic food. He does not. I do what I can alone or with friends, he’s willing to do so occasionally, and now that our dcs are older one loves to do things and eat at great restaurants with me. Obviously I don’t know your situation, and your feelings of loneliness should not be discounted, but I do think in many, many relationships what you and I describe is the norm. No answers just letting you know you are not alone.

NP here and I am in a similar boat too. Married 18 years, kids are 14 and 11. I do love him and don't want to split up or disrupt our kids, even once they are adults. I also don't have any energy or desire to date anyone else, nor do I want to live alone. So here I am.

And evidence shows that divorce doesn't actually make folks happier. (Usually). I am in a similar situation, but no reason to rock the boat?

[Anonymous]

Ride bikes to museums and restaurants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been married? You say teens so assuming 20 yrs? I can relate a bit as my dh and I sound a bit like your dynamic as not that compatible BUT we do love each other and are truly each other’s best friend. Reflecting back we were never compatible but somehow ended up together😀.

We also talk a lot about the dcs, but we also like to travel now that we have freedom to do so on our schedule so we talk about that. We started researching retirement areas and second homes so that is often a discussion; we talk about world events, an interesting article, family. We don’t do many activities together unless dinner with friends (and we do go out together as a couple as well), or walk the dog.

I love outdoors, sports, exercise, nice restaurants, ethnic food. He does not. I do what I can alone or with friends, he’s willing to do so occasionally, and now that our dcs are older one loves to do things and eat at great restaurants with me. Obviously I don’t know your situation, and your feelings of loneliness should not be discounted, but I do think in many, many relationships what you and I describe is the norm. No answers just letting you know you are not alone.

NP here and I am in a similar boat too. Married 18 years, kids are 14 and 11. I do love him and don't want to split up or disrupt our kids, even once they are adults. I also don't have any energy or desire to date anyone else, nor do I want to live alone. So here I am.

And evidence shows that divorce doesn't actually make folks happier. (Usually). I am in a similar situation, but no reason to rock the boat?

Same situation and kids almost same age. I think if I travel for work and had the opportunity for an affair on the road it would satisfy the unmet needs at home? Seems so much easier than divorce

[Anonymous]

After years of OP's situation, I filed for divorce after the youngest kid left home. A lot of middle aged women (and even a few younger women) find me a lot more interesting and attractive than my wife did for the last decade of our marriage. I haven not found "the one" though, so there is still some lonely time.

[Anonymous]

OP I hear you so hard. Our kids are little too so it feels all-in right now. But there is nothing left - warmth, passion, even interest or kindness most of the time. I don't know how to break the cycle and it's crushing. Some of these issues were there pre-kids so it doesn't feel like just a phase, but we have more separate lives and socializing , travel etc that's been harder now. Even carving out an hour for myself on the weekend to meet a friend feels like an insurmountable hurdle with DH.

I know it's partly me too. I need a way out of the funk.

But feeling that kind of lonely and depressed is hard OP and so hard to talk to friends about as well. It almost feels embarrassing to describe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I hear you so hard. Our kids are little too so it feels all-in right now. But there is nothing left - warmth, passion, even interest or kindness most of the time. I don't know how to break the cycle and it's crushing. Some of these issues were there pre-kids so it doesn't feel like just a phase, but we have more separate lives and socializing , travel etc that's been harder now. Even carving out an hour for myself on the weekend to meet a friend feels like an insurmountable hurdle with DH.

I know it's partly me too. I need a way out of the funk.

But feeling that kind of lonely and depressed is hard OP and so hard to talk to friends about as well. It almost feels embarrassing to describe.

PP here -- that should have said we had more separate lives and socializing etc pre-Covid (which made the blah situation at home seem less all-consuming).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so basic that it might sound dumb, but do you watch tv or movies together, OP? DH and I have always had a routine of watching shows together after the kid is in bed, and it provides a surprisingly large amount of bonding. It’s both physically time together, just sitting side by side on the couch, and it gives us a shared frame of reference for discussions and jokes.

Now that DD is a young teen, we’ve started watching family shows together at dinnertime, and it’s worked the same with her too.

Oh God… and that’s where so many are headed just to keep up a lifestyle and not upset the apple cart…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in a marriage that looks great to the outsiders but inside you are both hurting? You have nothing to talk about other than the kids. What do you do, esp. if kids are young and very attached to both of you?

Talk about the kids.

No, seriously, you need to find some time with your spouse doing stuff together, cultivating interests, and making an effort to enjoy each other.

Why are you hurting?

We are both hurting. We tried shared interests. I am more of a high-brow person than he is. I like museums, theaters, wineries, nice restaurants. He is happy riding bikes in the mud.

My DH and I are similar, as are many others I suspect. I enjoy weird foreign art films and he likes superhero blockbusters, the usual stuff. Have you tried riding bikes in the mud? You might be surprised to discover that some low brow activities can be fun. I enjoy my high brow interests alone or with female friends. DH watches superhero comic book movies without me. We connect a few shared interests (mostly stuff that I picked up when we met) and do a lot of stuff on our own.

We have the same priorities in terms of our family life together and the future. I don't mind the fact that we have different interests, and I don't think that he does either. And frankly I enjoy the basic consistent routines. I guess that I just don't relate to loneliness based on what you have written. I think the only way that I would feel lonely in a marriage was if my husband was ignoring me or my specific requests for support and help, or not supporting our family and future together. Can you articulate specifically what you need that he is unable or unwilling to provide?

I don't want to be mean when you are clearly hurting, but from what you have written, this looks like a "you" issue more than a marriage issue. It sounds to me like you are bit needy and co-dependent and could benefit from having more hobbies and interests separate from your husband. Good luck.